A PSYCHOLOGICAL VIOLENCE: IT MAY BE WITHIN YOUR HOME

“It can be challenging to identify the scars of psychological violence, as many of them reside deep within the soul. However, by recognizing the need for mutual respect and emotional well-being, we empower ourselves to break the chains of silence. Let us always remember that true love nurtures, never suffocates; and it is in the courage to seek help and reclaim our own worth that we find the strength to break free from a relationship that only pretends to be love.”

(Marcello de Souza)

There are several factors that lead personal relationships to harm, but few reach the level of harm as a relationship where psychological violence is present. Wounds that bleed but are invisible, expressions that even in a subtle tone strike and hurt the soul, damage self-esteem and self-confidence, lacerate dignity, cause apathy, generate fear and distrust, and ultimately interfere directly with the essence of the self.

Psychological violence is a type of issue that few people typically seek to understand, and even fewer, when involved, seek help without knowing how much harm it does to the health of the mind and body, potentially causing lifelong consequences. Such relationships are fueled by emotional and sentimental exhaustion, exposing one to coexist with someone who only thinks of themselves and leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

Present in a number of households much higher than one can imagine, psychological violence has increasingly been treated in various relationships as something normal. Difficult to recognize and prove, the harms caused to victims, in many cases, are even more severe than a physical attack. This is because, in addition to the person rarely finding internal resources to defend themselves or seek help—unlike what happens in physical violence—psychological violence precisely acts on the person’s psyche, leaving memories that are very difficult to repair.

Not everyone wakes up in a good mood every day, and even the happiest person in the world has problems and difficulties with emotional self-control at least a few days a year. It is normal to sometimes get stressed, be irritated, feel anger, say inappropriate things, exceed emotions, or even become revolted. However, when we talk about psychological violence, we are actually dealing with an aggressor who drastically hurts the other person’s mind.

Despite normally being narcissistic and egocentric, psychological violence is caused by someone who can always position themselves as the center but disguises it very well, acting subtly to never be unmasked. In this subtlety, violence manifests itself seemingly trivial, delicate, and at constant intervals. Its onset occurs as if they were visible, petty fits of jealousy.

There are various factors that can harm personal relationships, but few reach the level of harm as much as a relationship where psychological violence is present. Wounds that bleed but are invisible, expressions that, even in a subtle tone, strike and hurt the soul, damage self-esteem and self-confidence, lacerate dignity, cause apathy, generate fear and distrust, and ultimately interfere directly with the essence of one’s own “Self.”

Psychological violence is a topic that few people normally seek to understand, and even fewer, when involved, seek help without realizing how much harm it does to the health of the mind and body, potentially causing lifelong consequences. Such relationships are sustained by emotional and sentimental exhaustion, exposing individuals to living with someone who thinks only of themselves, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

Present in a significant number of homes, far more than one might imagine, psychological violence is increasingly being treated in various relationships as something normal. Difficult to recognize and prove, the harm caused to victims in many cases is even more severe than a physical attack. This is because, in addition to the person finding it difficult to find internal resources to defend themselves or seek help—unlike what happens in physical violence—psychological violence acts directly on the person’s psyche, leaving memories that are very difficult to repair.

Not everyone wakes up in a good mood every day, and even the happiest person in the world has problems and difficulties with emotional self-control at least a few days a year. It is normal to get stressed, become irritated, feel anger, say inappropriate things, exceed emotional boundaries, or even revolt at times. However, when we talk about psychological violence, we are actually dealing with an aggressor who dramatically hurts the other person’s mind.

Although they are usually narcissistic and egocentric, psychological violence is caused by someone who manages to always place themselves at the center, disguising it very well, acting subtly to never be unmasked. In this subtlety, violence manifests itself seemingly trivial, delicate, and at constant intervals. It starts as visible, seemingly silly fits of jealousy.

In the beginning, everything seems normal; small humiliations are accepted, certain disregards, unfunny jokes with indirect messages, and violations of privacy (explicit or not). When the victim realizes, they begin to ask for permission (and not opinions) to make decisions. Over time, the abuser often threatens to end the relationship, thereby creating an environment of insecurity that generates emotional dependence on the victim. The victim increasingly suffers from the gradual loss of self-control and self-esteem, a result of emotional fluctuations and irritability caused by the abuser.

All this is sustained by the victim’s belief that there is a relationship of passion and love, intensified by the illusion that the person loves too much and therefore acts this way. In this sense, the victim begins to hallucinate, thinking that to make the relationship last, they must also accept the abuser’s flaws. Without realizing that for a psychological abuser, there is effectively no emotional connection, only an interest. In other words, they do not love (in the real sense of love) the other person but love the power they have over them.

Within this gradual environment of psychic assaults, the victim tends to gradually doubt their own values. With this, the feeling of devaluation brings guilt with it, as if losing the condition of reality, feeling a victim of oneself. In this sense, devaluation takes over thoughts and feelings, impacting behavior directly. The feeling of guilt becomes increasingly present, like a sore of incompetence and misunderstanding, and the fear of being alone and despised becomes part of thoughts.

Psychological violence within the home is one of the most frequent and has been increasing, especially with the pandemic, leading more and more victims to severe psychological illnesses that can be irreversible. Therefore, it is essential to be able to identify it when it happens, which is not an easy task.

As many who have suffered psychological violence within their homes and have overcome it through a painful process of self-discovery that led to divorce or separation, they bring with the trauma a lesson on how challenging it is to consciously recognize the level of violence in the person next to us.

These are not easy profiles to recognize. They are very skilled with words and behavior. This type of abuser always positions themselves as a victim, using a discourse about the violence they have endured, how badly they were treated, the family trauma they experienced, or how their ex did not allow them to do what they wanted. They claim they were never loved, suffered bullying, abuse, etc. Due to their expertise in lying and manipulation, they know very well how to behave and act when they have ulterior motives. This type of person has the ability to create emotional and sentimental games and movements that can render their victims emotionally blind. Since they never admit fault, they are never responsible; they are always the victim, and as a subterfuge, they insist on proving that they are trying to do their best, leaving their victim helpless. Unsure of what actions to take in certain conditions, the victim ends up believing in illusions, undermining themselves.

The good news is that, based on personal experience and behavioral studies, with the guidance of a true specialist, it is possible to identify points that can help recognize if one is currently experiencing a relationship where they are a victim of psychological violence.

Firstly, it is essential to clarify that, as mentioned earlier, the person who commits psychological violence uses manipulation (the manipulator holds the power, and the manipulated is submissive) and lies as some of their main tactics, always in a continuous state of generating insecurity about whether to continue the relationship or not. From there, they typically seek to corner their victim with threats and psychological deprecations, manifesting in various ways, such as discrediting opinions and desires, belittling tastes, wishes, and dreams, diminishing abilities and talents, sparing no effort to undermine personal and professional capabilities. There is no motivation or recognition on their part for anything, leading the victim to try to hide things out of fear of reprisal or depreciative reactions. In this sense, the victim often starts to fear contradicting them, and the opinions come under their control, with the abuser making decisions on their behalf. Sadness, fear, and discouragement set in as oppression takes hold inwardly.

Like many who have suffered psychological violence at home and have managed to overcome it after a painful process of self-discovery that led to divorce or separation, I bring with me the trauma and the learning of how difficult it is to consciously fall into reality to identify whether the person next to us is or is not violent.

They are not easy profiles to recognize. They are skillful with words and behavior. This type of abuser always presents themselves as a victim, with a discourse about the violence they have suffered, how they were mistreated, the family trauma they experienced, or because their ex did not allow them to do what they wanted. They never admit guilt and are always the victims, insisting on proving that they are trying to do their best, leaving the victim without action. Not knowing what actions to take in certain situations, the victim ends up believing in illusions, belittling themselves.

The good news is that, through personal experience and behavioral studies and the guidance of a true specialist, it is possible to identify points that can help recognize if one is currently experiencing a relationship where they are a victim of psychological violence.

First of all, it must be made clear that the person who commits psychological violence uses manipulation and lies as one of their main artifices. From there, they will normally seek to make their victim doubt whether to continue the relationship or not, generating insecurity. Then, they will seek to make the victim feel cornered with threats and psychological degradations that manifest in various ways, such as discrediting opinions and desires, belittling tastes, desires, and dreams, belittling abilities and talents, and not recognizing any effort or achievement. All of this leads the victim to fear contradicting the aggressor, and opinions come under their control, with them making decisions on behalf of the victim. Sadness, fear, and despair settle in as oppression.

The psychological abuser feels satisfaction when exerting power, so they have a strong tendency to deprivation and are determined to seek attention. They always find mechanisms to be the main part of any situation. In addition, they always want to be the owner of the truth and act as the centered, balanced, mature, and adult person who knows what is good or bad for others, as if they were taking on the role of a parent.

However, it does not end there; they have the habit of wanting to organize the victim’s schedule without consulting them. When contradicted or when they want something the victim does not want, they become explosive, seeking discussions to feel free to do what they want, disregarding the victim. They love to check the victim’s social networks, snoop on phones, and listen to conversations.

Always trying to create a tense environment, they make their victims think carefully before speaking, forcing them to choose the right words to avoid being attacked. In addition to the abuser’s habit of judging what others do, say, or wear, they always tend to blame others for their own mood, for the emotions they feel, and for the lack of willpower to go beyond. This generates confusion, bewilderment, frustration, and self-hatred in the victim.

This profile is an expert in making the victim gradually distance themselves from relationships that are only theirs, be it friends, family, clients, and partners. In my case, for example, they created discord with my family, friends, partners, and even made me distance myself from their own family, making me believe offensive and negative stories.

In summary, the goal of a psychological abuser is to make the victim stop being who they really are and become a kind of ghost trying to fit into a supposed model tailored to the abuser’s desires. In short, it can be said that it is relational terrorism.

It is a fact that the majority of people who suffer psychological violence are women, but there is also a significant number of men who now feel more comfortable reporting the context of their abusive relationships as a couple. Through censuses on domestic violence since 2005, it is shown that the spouse is the main author of violence within the home.

As a consequence of a psychologically violent relationship, the other person experiences emotional stress, excessive anxiety, digestive problems, loss of sleep, poor nutrition, chronic fatigue, anguish, apathy, depression, obesity, drug use, alcohol abuse, tobacco, etc.

The boundaries to characterize this type of violence are very imprecise and subjective, so it is difficult to reach a conclusion about who is more likely to be a victim or who is more vulnerable to living with this type of abuser profile. This is because at the beginning of a relationship, these people are completely different from what they will present over time in relationships. What exists is a profile of victims who suffer psychologically, as this form of violence configures changes in the personality of those who suffer it, such as insecurity and low or no self-esteem, a perception of powerlessness to deal with their personal or professional world, and a sense of guilt and failure in life becomes permanent.

This loss of identity leads to ambivalent feelings, and the victim’s tendency is to minimize the severity of the violence or even justify it by distorting the aggressor’s view of reality, without being aware that they were a victim of psychological abuse. This is more common than believed: there are large doses of normalized violence in relationships, especially in couples, where the victim downplays the incidents because they believe it is temporary, a phase, that the other person is going through a difficult time in life (often believing the abuser’s own lies), that they have problems like everyone else, that they have more qualities than faults, etc. After a while, justifications appear to support emotional blindness.

The perpetrator of psychological violence brings their shadow along with their profile. In other words, their positions are precisely the opposite of their “real self.” The act of practicing psychological violence is precisely to oppose everything they singularly understand as vulnerable, making it an existential paradox, as they possibly are insecure, dependent, with little or no empathy, narcissistic, impulsive, and commonly irresponsible. They are usually cowards who, when exposed or confronted, tend to flee, to disappear. They are unable to build a mature and responsible dialogue. They cannot listen to others, and before any conversation, they already have their opinion formed. Whenever they feel cornered, they prefer to distance themselves and do so without remorse. Therefore, arguing is futile because this type of person thrives on argumentative possibilities. Conversation cannot be considered because there is still the risk of getting caught in their lies and manipulation.

They cannot assume their own identity (real self). This profile is often the result of a dysfunctional family or an abusive childhood marked by mistreatment, excesses, and the use and abuse of alcohol or other drugs. In short, these family imbalances favor the predominance of behavioral patterns that stand out in adolescence and prevail mainly in adulthood. However, it is important to note that these childhood problems only partially explain a toxic and abusive behavioral pattern, as we all also have the freedom to choose how we want to be and what kind of relationships we want to build. So not everything is justified as a result of an unhappy childhood but rather by what we wish as a result for our lives. Although circumstances can influence, they do not determine, and nothing justifies being a person who practices psychological violence against others, even if they themselves, at some point, were also victims.

The truth is that psychological violence is of extreme concern for the physical and mental health of everyone. Therefore, it is necessary to understand that, regardless of the time and model of the marital relationship, love is not the only condition to consider to build something truly healthy for both. Whether due to the cultural inheritance of long-lasting relationships or the belief that having someone of our own is essential for a happy life, we have always been made to believe that love is the main foundation of any relationship and that with love, the path together is easy. Perhaps that is why it is still common to see many people submit to toxic and abusive relationships, enduring hardships and psychological violence in the name of love; and in the name of this supposed love (which is not love), one degrades the other, nullifying them, to the point where one day the other no longer knows who they are or what their life has become.

Take a deep breath, and once psychological violence is recognized, the best thing to do is undoubtedly to distance oneself and, if necessary, seek the help of a good specialist (a real one) as soon as possible. If distancing is not possible, then establish rigid barriers and avoid closeness. It is necessary to learn to say no and always say when necessary, NO. Remember, this profile works by invalidating other people, so do not allow yourself to be invalidated in any way.

Believe me, don’t waste time trying to rebuild something with someone who isn’t worth it. Also, remember that a good specialist can help you navigate this trap you fell victim to through a therapeutic process that can assist in recognizing your vulnerable points, strengthening your self-esteem, and rebuilding your thoughts and behaviors in a way that will teach you to defend yourself and position yourself more assertively in the face of people with the profile of psychological violence. This will prevent anyone from interfering with your alterity, let alone your values and virtues, ensuring that your essence as a BEING is never again called into question.

In the journey of healing, let us embrace the wisdom that arises from the shadows of our past. May each step towards self-discovery be a testament to our resilience and an affirmation of our intrinsic worth. As we navigate the path to recovery, let compassion guide our way, both for ourselves and others. Together, let us build a world where empathy triumphs over cruelty, and the echoes of our shared humanity drown out the whispers of pain. For in breaking free from the chains of psychological violence, we not only reclaim our individuality but contribute to the collective heartbeat of a more compassionate and understanding society.

Exercises for Deep Reflection on Relationships:

1. Recognizing Emotions:

• List three main emotions you frequently experience in your relationships.
• Reflect on how these emotions impact your interactions and emotional well-being.

2. Internal Dialogue:

• Recall a recent moment of conflict or challenge in a relationship.
• Write down the internal dialogue that occurred during that moment.
• Analyze how this dialogue influenced your emotions and actions.

3. Assessing Personal Boundaries:

• Identify three personal boundaries that are important to you in a relationship.
• Consider whether these boundaries were respected or violated in past experiences.
• Ponder on how to communicate these boundaries more effectively in the future.

4. Rebuilding Relationships:

• Choose a challenging relationship and write how you would like it to be in the future.
• List practical actions you can take to rebuild or strengthen that relationship.

5. Identifying Patterns:

• Reflect on recurring patterns in your past relationships.
• Ask yourself if these patterns contributed positively or negatively to your personal growth.

6. Gratitude Letter:

• Write a gratitude letter to someone who has positively impacted your life.
• Explore how this relationship influenced your development and emotional well-being.

7. Commitment to Yourself:

• Set three personal commitments to enhance the quality of your future relationships.
• Be specific and realistic when defining these commitments.

These exercises are designed to encourage self-reflection and promote a deep analysis of relationships. Remember, the path to healthier relationships begins with a deeper understanding of oneself.

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have participated in important projects of structuring, implementation, and optimization of telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a wide-ranging career, I highlight my role as:

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