EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE IS NOT A CHOICE

“Emotional independence is not just about resisting the tides of external influence, but about building an internal fortress where truth is guardian and relationships are built on solid foundations of authenticity.” (Marcello de Souza)

In a scenario where superficiality, immediacy, and individualism seem to shape the foundations of human interactions, arises the essential question: How can we achieve emotional independence amidst this challenging context? Navigating relationships in the contemporary world requires a profound understanding of oneself and the impact that complex social dynamics have on our emotions. In this regard, I invite you to delve into this reflection on emotional independence, exploring paths that lead us to a state of balance and authenticity in interpersonal relationships.

In this article, I hope you understand that emotional independence is not just about seeking internal stability in a world of constant change. It is, above all, a journey that leads us to mastery of interpersonal relationships, offering us the ability to preserve our authenticity in the face of social pressures. In a context marked by superficiality, understanding and cultivating emotional independence becomes an essential compass, guiding us through turbulent waters and providing a secure anchor amidst the challenges of human interactions. Exploring this path is not just an act of self-discovery, but a vital strategy to preserve our truth in a world that often invites us to lose it.

EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE

The fact is that compulsively the need to survive in such an anxious world leads us to the anguish of becoming needy of ourselves. We are losing our autonomy to be who we are. Clearly, this reflects in an increasingly superficial, sick, individualistic, and materialistic society. With this, the oppression by anxiety and the force of immediacy often prevents us from moving forward with our lives without sacrificing our relationships, making them more apathetic, fragile, senseless, improper, incomprehensible, and at times, dependent and egocentric.

We are going through a social period where morality has become liquid, as Bauman once said. We are experiencing a social period where many people have had to relinquish their own responsibilities, finding in others the reason for what is not, turning to means for experiential conditions to be distorted within the aspects of the social environment to which we are subjected and which bring forth despair, becoming part of the anguished survival in the existential volatile condition.

This brings me to an extraordinary reflection by Nietzsche in “Gaia”: “And if one day a demon were to sneak into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: ‘This life, just as you live it now and as you have lived it, you will have to live it again and again countless times: and there will be nothing new, every pain and every pleasure (…) will return (…). Would you not throw yourself to the ground and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus to you? Or have you ever lived an immense moment, in which you would answer him: ‘You are a god and I have never heard anything more divine!'” This provocation urges us to carefully examine the choices we make in life, questioning the direction we give it and the foundations of our decisions. It becomes essential to develop discernment to distinguish the central elements from the accessories, the essential from the superficial.

In the absence of an underlying emotional balance in our relationships, we run the risk of becoming volatile. In other words, when we stop being true to ourselves, we begin to forge our own demons, represented by various personas that emerge at different times. These personas flow in a malleable manner, adapting to the circumstances of each relationship, and can take on different forms according to the specific demands of each situation, transforming us into the “other” and no longer into ourselves. By neglecting this reality, avoiding our own responsibility, we seek reasons and scapegoats to justify the inevitability of our existence. We become complacent to the idea that the values, norms, and rules imposed on us should be passively accepted, without ever reflecting on them. By deluding ourselves, falsely believing that we are masters of our actions, this intrinsic deception results in the fading of our identity, turning us into empty beings dependent on others.

As a social beings, it’s not inherent to our human nature to live in anonymity or isolation. Unlike other animals, humans rely on the affection of others from birth, as our instincts alone are not sufficient to ensure our survival in solitude. In this sense, the joys we experience are directly linked to the quality and balance of our interactions with the world, playing an essential role in our physical, psychological, social, and spiritual well-being. However, in a world characterized by the constant pursuit of happiness, spectacle, emptiness, and lack of discernment, we often lose our balance, unable to clearly distinguish between our autonomy and dependence on the “other.”

This lack of discernment has a merciless impact on our ability to cultivate healthy and mutually satisfying relationships, significantly influencing our emotions regarding life, continuity, happiness, and human development.

What Are Affections

What are affections? We can conceive of affections as the temporal nuances of transformation that we experience in our engagement with the world. In other words, they are the subjective responses to the continuous changes that life provokes in us. Their nature is inherently subjective, and their expression manifests through sensations that give meaning to the objective effects of interactions, acting as transformative agents of behavior that shape our perception. It is essential to understand that every sensory experience translates into affection, representing the reflections of the world’s influences on our existence. Each sensation, therefore, is a direct result of our engagement with the surrounding environment.

On one hand, there are individuals who engage in an incessant battle to avoid any possibility of depending on others to achieve freedom. They are immersed in a constant struggle with themselves, believing that egotism is the key to preserving their individuality, without realizing that this can often result in a lonely, bitter, sad, and disillusioned life. On the other hand, we find people who struggle to depend on themselves, losing the autonomy necessary to live fully. They end up becoming emotionally dependent, seeking from others the source of happiness, well-being, love, and even personal decisions. In both extremes, the path to true well-being in life is rarely found.

The pursuit of balance in existence often allows us to align our choices with our desires, and the same applies to affections. Understanding Emotional Independence can be the guide to this balance, which, above all, provides the joy of being at peace with oneself. This understanding makes life more harmonious and happier, highlighting the importance of cultivating healthy emotional autonomy.

The imbalance in relationships, its opposite, emerges as the catalyst for serious emotional disorders, giving rise to what we commonly call Emotional Dependence. To deepen our understanding of this phenomenon, we will begin with the wise words of Baruch Spinoza, one of the most prominent philosophers in history. Spinoza posits that every human being exerts influence and is influenced by other human beings, turning life into an intricate game of affective encounters. These encounters constitute the essence of the highs and lows in our relationship with the world, capable of providing joys that energize us and empower us to move forward on the journey of life. However, when an affective encounter diminishes us, it renders us passive, causes sadness, and robs us of the action, potency, and energy necessary to live fully.

Espinoza’s perspective on Joy is crucial for understanding Affections, as it represents the ultimate expression of life. Joy is the supreme translation of affective encounters, being the primordial source of power and vitality. As Espinoza argues, we come alive when we experience joy and we lose life when sadness sets in. This fundamental dynamic highlights the significant influence that Affections exert on our existence, shaping the quality of our relationships and directly impacting our ability to experience joy and fulfillment.

Deepening my reflection, I turn to the words of the notable philosopher Sartre, who states: “Existence precedes essence.” Jean-Paul Sartre’s humanistic existentialism confronts us with the idea that human beings simply exist, based on the premise that the definition of BEING is an intrinsic construction of the individual. Sartre emphasizes that what is real, present, in the now, emerges first, and then the ideal emerges, what we can aspire to. He underscores the nonexistence of a ready-made, finished, and predefined nature. We are all free, endowed with the ability to make choices in our interaction with life, and the essence of the individual is delineated through their own actions. Thus, we are condemned to freedom, without the presence of a predetermined destiny. Life is not governed by a fixed idea of destiny; we are the architects of our own destiny. This freedom, however, requires a clear understanding of our thoughts, the ability to critically analyze our choices with a perspective distant from ourselves. In this context, the words of Hamlet, by Shakespeare, resonate: “Show me a man who is not a slave to passion and I will follow him, for he is master of himself.”

The truth is that we cannot deny that in today’s times, even if for a few moments, we end up experiencing a somewhat utopian, distant, meaningless, and deluded life within our own introspection, being controlled or manipulated by another, affecting our condition of choices in our relationships with life. Within this inconsistency and uncertainty, the excess of socially established and generalizing reference points originate the distancing from ourselves.

It is perceived that there is indeed a growing collective neglect, where the values of BEING have been replaced by the values of HAVING, in a reversal of each one’s morality. The fear of lack of belonging motivates the individual exaggeration of each one in not being able to take care of oneself anymore. Despite illusory exceptions of virtual relationships and connections, individualism expresses itself fiercely and even in the most playful consciences, it has been taken over by fear.

We Dream of Flight, But Fear the Height

Many can no longer find themselves, do not know what they want, and much less what they feel in relationships with life. Their freedom has been taken away by hopelessness. Resorting to dependency in relationships, preferring the lack of freedom to suffering the anxieties of choosing one’s own path, one’s own decisions, and making one’s own choices, making them empty. The unknown is part of the way of being free, however, empty people cannot bear the anguish of freedom of choices in life. They live the illusion of the other’s freedom, where certainties survive, certainties that represent a conventional way of living, deluded by unjustifiable justifications to fear the freedom to move, change, interact, do differently in the absence of Affections. Mainly due to the inability to recognize within oneself one’s own values.

This renunciation of one’s own responsibilities, by finding in the other the supposed reason for what is not, perpetuates a cycle of emotional dependence. Instead of facing the challenge of flight into the uncertain space of freedom, many prefer the illusory comfort of cages, where fictitious certainties offer a momentary sense of security. However, this incessant search for external certainties and the reluctance to confront the inner emptiness perpetuate the prison of one’s own limitations, preventing the flourishing of an authentic existential journey. In this context, Dostoevsky said: “We are like that: we dream of flight, but fear the height. To fly, one must have the courage to face the terror of emptiness. Because it is only in emptiness that flight happens. Emptiness is the space of freedom, the absence of certainties. But that is what we fear: not having certainties. That is why we exchange flight for cages. Cages are the place where certainties live.” This exchange, besides imprisoning, reflects a senseless, aimless trajectory due to the lack of reason that prevents distinguishing and honoring one’s own journey. Thus, the essential virtues of BEING succumb to the ineptitude of living one’s own life.

Dostoevsky’s assertion, proclaiming that “The fear of being free provokes pride in being a slave,” sheds light on the complexity of our relationships and the intrinsic fear of autonomy. This statement evokes the melancholy that overwhelms us when we lose control in relationships, succumbing to dependence and transferring responsibility for crucial areas of our lives to others. It is imperative to understand that recognizing freedom and establishing balance in our interactions demand courage to enter the universe of uncertainties and daily challenges. Without this commitment, we become prisoners of excessive attachment to others, permeated by unreal concerns such as the fear of abandonment. Far from promoting healthy relationships, this dynamic perpetuates a cycle of emotional imprisonment, obscuring the clarity necessary for a fulfilling existential journey.

The author, by emphasizing that “Cages are where certainties dwell,” paints a vivid picture of self-imposed limits that stifle our vitality. In this scenario, we imprison ourselves in a “cage,” resigning ourselves to a monotonous existence devoid of vitality, where our identity no longer belongs to us but becomes someone else’s property. However, freeing oneself from this scenario is a challenging endeavor. The vastness of Affections that permeates our journey creates an intricate web of experiences, often obscuring our moral vision. The undeniable truth is that every transformation causes discomfort. Not everyone is ready or inclined to embrace the necessary changes to evolve, a journey that requires the courage to break out of the comfort zone, a complex and challenging feat. This dilemma reflects the struggle between the familiar and the unknown, between the illusory security of “certainties” and the pulsating freedom that awaits beyond the “cage.”

More precisely, the “comfort zone” is an illusory refuge that envelops us in the reassuring sensation of contentment with the status quo. It manifests through patterns of actions, thoughts, and behaviors to which we are accustomed, devoid of any fear, anxiety, or risk. In this state, we repeat a series of behaviors that provide consistent, albeit limited, performance, creating a false sense of security. Perhaps, the abyss of Affections does not lie in the comfort zone itself, but rather in the choices we make when treading paths devoid of our intrinsic values, neglecting self-understanding and true essence. It is a dive into opacity, governed by the ego, immersed in a liquid social morality, tied to habits and beliefs, ignoring vast possibilities.

Fear of freedom, therefore, is the anguish in the face of the need to make choices. This dilemma reflects not only hesitation in the face of the unknown but also the inability to see beyond the limitations imposed by one’s own inertia, a blindness that prevents us from fully exploring life’s vast potentialities.

Fear of freedom is our greatest fear and is anguish in its nature. As a result, feelings of guilt, emptiness, and loneliness arise. The inability to choose our own desires makes life dull, futile where dreams are lost in the infinite dump of powerless sadness of being who we are. We then become dependent, susceptible to accepting the opinion of others, those who suit us best and welcome us, not building a reason, avoiding exposure and disagreement in relationships, submissive to our own personal insecurity. In other words, the fact is that when we have no conviction about where we stand in the world of relationships, who we really are, about our desires and principles, we become puppets in the hands of those who wave to us, giving the false sense of completing the failure we have with ourselves, be it lack of security, control, self-esteem, and everything that encompasses our emotional maturity.

Renouncing our convictions distances us from our true essence, obscuring our objective view and generating excessive, unnecessary, and permissive emotional dependence. In this scenario, we hand over the reins of our relationships with life to others. Daily battles cease to be a search for happiness, completeness, and personal satisfaction and become a desperate need to be admired by others, without realizing that, gradually, we submit to the slavery of the illusory pursuit of Affections, in constant search of love and admiration.

Emotional submission, motivated by the fear of being true, makes us reactive, acting to avoid losing the bond with others, feeding the fear of revealing our authenticity and insecurity regarding our own values.

Therefore, up to this point, I have sought to elucidate clearly the main reasons and lasting consequences of the lack of Emotional Independence. It is crucial to understand that fear and personal insecurity, combined with a lack of self-awareness in a constantly changing world, constitute the essential foundations for the generation of emotional dependence, from the systemic beginning. The inability to embark on an inner journey makes us unable to heal the emotional wounds that feed our limiting beliefs, preventing us from overcoming the emotional immaturities that we hold within ourselves.

All this relates to the fact that in the fast pace of a world of immediacy, where attention can hardly today focus on anything important, there is a very imminent danger of ending up losing sensitivity towards others, and this is not the purpose of Affects. Emotional Independence then becomes the foundation for the form of empathetic balance, within the process of developing emotional maturity as a unique, singular, and authentic being. The more self-awareness of our own BEING, the greater the freedom of choice and decision in our manifestations and the freedom to live. For all this, it is fundamental to understand Emotional Independence. In a more summarized way, we can present Emotional Independence as the introspective mastery of BEING in having cognitive control over one’s own desires in the interrelationships maintained with the world.

Emotional Independence is not about self-sufficiency, but rather about the ability to preserve one’s own identity amidst various social conditions, avoiding emotional disambiguation. This independence implies maintaining firmness in the face of one’s own values, not allowing others to influence decisions, choices, and conceptions of Affects. In essence, it is the ability to master the art of being yourself in the face of external pressures.

Emotional Independence is more centered on improving the quality of individual well-being and the reason for living than on emancipating the world around us. In other words, it is not about isolating oneself from the world out of selfishness or complete social independence, but rather about developing the ability of self-awareness, understanding our own needs and desires. This does not imply living introspectively in relation to the other, but rather not allowing external forces to have more influence on our relationships than the internal forces that drive our desire to BE.

A person who possesses Emotional Independence is one who can respond, in the crucial moments of life, to the following question: “What of me is truly mine and what belongs to the desires of others?” Nietzsche, a proponent of the idea that life is inherently linked to the will to power, asserted: “Only where there is life is there also will; but not will to life, but – thus I teach you – will to power.”

Nietzsche firmly believed that life fully manifests in the maturation of relationships with the world, and this maturation constantly occurs in the achievements in the face of challenges and obstacles that life presents to us. For him, overcoming is the ultimate expression of the will to power, represented by victories over life’s resistances, providing continuous growth.

The ethics of relationships, based on Nietzsche’s will to power, guides us as follows: “What is good? – All that increases the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that arises from weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power grows, that a resistance has been overcome. Not contentment, but more power. Not peace finally, but war; not virtue, but excellence.”

I hope that from this principle, we can now understand that the improvement of life is inherently linked to the ability to develop the natural Affects in our relationships. This becomes possible when we find within ourselves the reason for what we are, allowing us to make choices that align not only with others’ expectations, but above all, with what is truly meaningful to ourselves.

To internalize emotional independence more fully, it is essential to find our place in relationships with the world, aware that no one can be responsible for our happiness. In this sense, it is crucial to deviate from social norms, breaking free from temporality without carrying the burden of our own history, unresolved issues, and past traumas. This implies allowing for changes, avoiding turning anguish into limiting beliefs that restrict our authenticity.

By doing this, we avoid the tendency to attribute to circumstances the role of determining our identity, avoiding judging passing moments as responsible for all the issues in our lives. Circumstances are transient, while we are the constancy of life. Leaving behind the incessant pursuit of the “I” and instead understanding the state of “BEING” becomes crucial. In other words, living in anguish over the past and relentlessly seeking its reasons does not matter much now. The past will not materialize again; each relationship is unique, and nothing will be as it was before.

The fact is that life is always a state of “BEING.” Who I am today is what will make me, and the reason for the power that can make us happy or sad lies in the state of “BEING” – our vital energy.

So once again, let’s remember Spinoza when he emphasizes that when we gain life, we rejoice, and when we do not rejoice, we lose life and then become sad. We have to make the Affections sufficient to create within us a colorful world. Otherwise, we resort to dependence on others to live because who we are becomes insignificant to ourselves, making life a completeness solely based on the craving for the other’s approval, sustaining the despair of enduring living solely for our needs in the eyes of others, such as: to be recognized, to be loved, to be admired, to be free, and to be useful.

By breaking the temporality of the Affections, we place greater value on the present, directing ourselves to produce, to prioritize important and indispensable actions for our evolution, allowing consciousness to connect with the world in a process opposite to what we are accustomed to living. Improving our relationships distances us from the banality of emotional bonds, from the ties and clichés, from dissolved commitments, and strengthens our ethics of relationships, leaving us free for sincere Affections at the important moment when it needs to be.

Understanding the complexity of our emotional perspectives is a crucial step toward emotional independence. It is recognizing that our relationships, intrinsically linked to how we interpret life through emotions, reflect the undeniable interconnection between our feelings and thoughts. These sensations, stemming from the same thinking body, cannot be divorced from our cognitive processes. In other words, our thoughts and emotions form an inseparable fabric, a constant interaction that shapes our experiences.

In this process, enhancing our thoughts is essential. It means being critical of ourselves, being aware of the continuous need for intellectual evolution. It is not just about existing but about living fully. This awareness, guided by the perception of what we want and where we are going, is vital to avoid the trap of automatism, where we become dogmatic about ourselves.

Consciousness, although a limited part of our psyche, plays a significant role in our journey. Recognizing that we think much more than we consciously desire, we understand the importance of tuning into the sensations of the body. After all, our intellectual conception is shaped by the Affections, and by embracing this interdependence, we gain the power to actively shape our experiences and, consequently, our own life narrative.

Deliberating in favor of our Affections requires the ability to discern the influences that our relationships with the world exert on us. Some connections fill us with joy, strengthening our resilience in life, while others plunge us into sadness, making us vulnerable and subject to the unpredictable. What happens internally is the expression of our vital energy, and understanding these manifestations is crucial.

Joy, as a driving force, impels us to face challenges with greater strength, while sadness exposes us to the risk of succumbing to chance. Thus, it is imperative to strive to understand and reflect on our body’s responses to the life we choose to live. Acting logically and in line with our desires, thoughts, feelings, and actions is the path to recognizing and meeting our emotional needs.

By maintaining this harmony with ourselves, we understand the importance of constant reinvention. As Nietzsche asserted, we do not only die physically, but also of sadness. Continuous reinvention is the key to facing the adversities of existence and keeping the flame of emotional vitality alive.

Remember that thought serves what we feel; it is not possible to interpret our thoughts without understanding what we feel, a fact from which we cannot escape our own emotions. Life is a set of unique and exclusive relationships that will never repeat themselves. To live is to be in relation. The quality of living is directly proportional to the quality of the relationships each of us maintains in a peculiar way with the world. Life is in the world, and we live to the extent and intensity that we relate. The lack of clarity in our relationships provides the inability to perceive and understand the manifestations of Affections towards life. Being in relation to life is to understand that the world affects us incessantly, but we also affect the world incessantly. We are the result of this exchange in our unique relationships with the world, and much of this relationship is imperceptible to our consciousness.

“So, I invite you to follow Comte-Sponville’s wise advice: ‘Regret a little less, hope a little less, and love a little more.’ In this vast world that we constitute, we are made of energy, in an incessant search for joyful encounters and a constant battle to avoid sad moments in our Affections. However, it is imperative to understand that we cannot turn affective moments into a formula of life or an existential pattern. What has passed will not be repeated, and therefore, we need to be free, autonomous from ourselves, to experience life in the now, in this present moment.

Living the present moment implies giving more importance to the world before us and less to the world that has already been or that will still be. Affections belong to the world that is, in the now because even flowing between joys and sorrows, this is the only real world. Death is inevitable, and about birth and death, we have no control. However, what happens between these two events is under our influence. Within limits, we are the protagonists. We are the architects of our choices, owners of our destiny, owners of our life.

Therefore, understand that the free choice of our relationships, beyond our consciousness in the present, in reconciliation with the real, in the enchantment of who we are, and in encounters with the world as it is, is the liberating foundation of EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE. By following this path, we open the doors to a full life, where the now becomes the essence, and the freedom to BE transcends the limits of time.

“After all, it is in the ability to transform our affections into a sincere dance with the present that we find true emotional freedom, an invitation to live intensely, transcend our limits and, in the encounter with the now, explore the extraordinary universe that resides within and outside of us.” (Marcello de Souza)

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have participated in important projects of structuring, implementation, and optimization of telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a wide-ranging career, I highlight my role as:

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My solid academic background includes four postgraduates and a doctorate in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

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