IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY RIGHT NOW – THE DANGER OF TOXIC POSITIVITY

“The greatest enemy of happiness is not pain but inactivity.” – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Ana had always been an optimist, proud of the solid, well-structured life she had built. A telecommunications engineer, she spent 15 years with the same company, believing she had achieved stability and security. Her career was steady, she had a comfortable home, a healthy marriage, and two children in college. Despite a busy routine, her life seemed balanced, with a clear and defined purpose.

But everything changed on a Friday. Ana received an unexpected call from her boss, who informed her that her position was being eliminated due to an internal restructuring. The stability she thought she had built crumbled before her eyes, and in a matter of seconds, her sense of control over the future was replaced by an avalanche of uncertainties.

In the days that followed, Ana was overwhelmed by disbelief and despair. How could this happen to her, someone who had always given her all? Her once-solid career now seemed like a series of questionable decisions. She sought answers in self-help therapy, conversations with friends, and introspection, trying to make sense of it all. But as someone who had always been positive, she quickly pushed herself to find a solution: it was time to restart, find a new job, and prove she could bounce back.

However, fate seemed determined to challenge her further. Just over a month after her layoff, her husband died in a car accident. On top of grieving, Ana faced new challenges: an unexpected financial gap and the responsibility of supporting her children, now young adults pursuing their academic dreams.

What began as a wake-up call turned into an internal battle. Ana, who had always advocated for positive thinking, sought solace in groups that promoted an idealized view of life. But these same circles began to flood her with messages like: “Stay strong, Ana! Look on the bright side!” or “Life goes on; you’ll bounce back!” Although well-intentioned, these words became increasingly toxic. Ana, a naturally optimistic person, began to feel guilty for not “getting over” her pain quickly. The pressure to maintain a positive attitude grew, forcing her to hide her emotions. Feeling sad, anxious, or insecure seemed like a sign of weakness.

And therein lies the great danger. Six months later, Ana found herself isolated, surrounded by antidepressants, lost in her own beliefs. She once thought life could be controlled, that every challenge could be overcome with a strong and positive mindset, but she was disillusioned. Reality had shown her that control was an illusion. By trying to manage her life with the unrealistic expectation of immediately “bouncing back,” she only felt more adrift.

When someone like Ana, facing genuine adversity, is surrounded by constant expectations of positivity, the result is a disconnect from their authentic emotional experience. Toxic positivity often has the opposite of its intended effect. Rather than helping, it undermines a person’s ability to confront their reality and emotions, leading to emotional repression, feelings of inadequacy, and rejection of suffering. The belief that we must always be okay, that everything happens for a reason, and that “everything will work out in the end” becomes an invisible prison, where every negative emotion is viewed as an obstacle to overcome rather than a legitimate part of the human experience.

Now, imagine the daily pressure to “be okay” when you’re on the verge of an emotional collapse. How can anyone always be okay when life’s circumstances demand the opposite: moments of reflection, pain, vulnerability, and even grief? This raises the question: where does the obsession with positivity lead us? Are we allowing ourselves to live authentically, or are we simply running from reality in pursuit of a happiness that often feels distant and unattainable?

At this breaking point, exhausted by the expectations placed upon her, Ana reached out to me. She was lost, alone, and unsure of how to handle the whirlwind of emotions consuming her. The expectations to be “strong” and “positive” were destroying her ability to process her pain and move forward in a healthy way. Ana knew something had to change, but she didn’t know what or how.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded by messages of optimism, ready-made solutions, self-help clichés, and oversimplifications, the pressure to maintain a positive mindset can be overwhelming. But what happens when this positivity becomes an unrealistic expectation, preventing the acknowledgment of emotional struggles and real pain? What Whitney Goodman calls “Toxic Positivity” in her book can be more harmful than it first appears.

In this article, we’ll explore how the relentless pursuit of happiness and optimism can lead to the denial of genuine emotions, creating a cycle of shame, guilt, and loneliness. We’ll analyze the impact of toxic positivity in our lives—from how it invalidates emotions to its serious consequences in the workplace, where the pressure to always be “okay” can lead to burnout and a lack of authenticity.

You’ll discover how to recognize and validate your emotions, whether positive or negative, and how this can be the key to a healthy emotional life. Additionally, we’ll discuss how organizations, in their efforts to foster cultures of forced optimism, often neglect the genuine well-being of their employees. The path to healing does not involve hiding pain but accepting it and learning from it.

Through this exploration, you’ll be challenged to reflect on your own experiences with toxic positivity and will be presented with practical alternatives for cultivating a more balanced mindset—one where both difficult and positive emotions can coexist in a healthy way.

The Illusion of Constant Positivity

Imagine a moment when everything seems to fall apart—like when Ana lost her job and then her husband in a tragic accident. She was bombarded with well-meaning messages from friends and family, saying things like, “Look on the bright side!” or “You’ll bounce back!” Although these words came from a place of care and concern, they didn’t help Ana process her emotions. On the contrary, they pressured her to hide her pain, forcing her to deny her suffering instead of accepting and fully experiencing it.

This is the essence of toxic positivity: the idea that, no matter what difficulties we face, we must maintain a positive mindset at all costs. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jaime Zuckerman describes toxic positivity as the expectation that even in the face of emotional pain or intense hardship, we should hide our struggles and “just stay positive.” This pressure to always be optimistic creates a vicious cycle where genuine emotions like sadness, fear, and anxiety are treated as weaknesses to be avoided or corrected.

Like many others, Ana found herself trapped in this mindset. The demand to show no signs of weakness, to move forward without allowing space for grief or the natural process of adapting to new circumstances, became oppressive. Forced positivity, rather than offering support, became an emotional burden, exacerbating her internal struggles.

In her book Toxic Positivity, Whitney Goodman reveals how the constant pressure to maintain a positive attitude, even in the face of suffering, can be more damaging than it appears. Goodman emphasizes that in our efforts to avoid discomfort, we often neglect the genuine emotions we need to process for our mental health. She warns that by trying to avoid discomfort, we are, in fact, delaying healing.

This “Obligation” to Always Be Positive: Ignoring Deep, Genuine Emotions
This “obligation” to always be positive, ignoring deep and genuine emotions, ends up distancing people from their own truths. Instead of recognizing sadness, frustration, or grief, we are taught to overcome them quickly, as if they were personal flaws. The problem, as Goodman highlights, is that this emotional repression creates a cycle of shame, guilt, and loneliness, prolonging suffering and even leading to self-destruction.

This point often becomes painfully clear in cases like Ana’s. Forced positivity, rather than alleviating her suffering, fueled a sense of inadequacy. She felt guilty for not being able to “bounce back” quickly, which only further distanced her from her genuine emotional experience. By trying to conform to the flow of this unrestricted positivity, she disconnected from her need for time, space, and acceptance to deal with her pain.

This is the trap of toxic positivity: it not only ignores pain but also prevents us from finding true healing. What Whitney Goodman teaches us is that true overcoming does not come from avoiding sadness but from allowing ourselves to feel what we need to feel—without judgment or external pressure.

The Cost of Suppressing Emotions

When we practice toxic positivity, we invalidate our emotional state, which leads to further harm. As Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a clinical psychologist and cognitive-behavioral therapy specialist, explains: “When someone is told to ‘cheer up’ or ‘look on the bright side,’ they are likely to feel ashamed or guilty about their authentic feelings.” These feelings of shame and guilt arise because the person begins to question whether it is wrong to feel upset, resulting in a process of internalized self-criticism.

Imagine Lucas, who just lost his job and feels devastated. His friends, trying to help, say things like: “Look on the bright side! Now you can find something better.” or “Life has its ups and downs; you’ll get through this!” While these words come from a place of care, they make Lucas feel even more disconnected from his own feelings. Instead of being able to mourn and process his pain healthily, he starts to feel guilty for not “getting over it” quickly. This pressure to be okay all the time prevents him from grieving the loss, leaving him feeling even more confused and anxious.

Rather than creating a space for healing, as already noted, toxic positivity generates secondary emotions such as shame, guilt, or embarrassment. A person facing emotional difficulty, bombarded with well-meaning messages, is led to believe their feelings are inappropriate or wrong. As a result, this emotional invalidation not only hinders emotional growth but also prevents them from processing their pain healthily and constructively.

The relentless pursuit of happiness can invalidate genuine emotions like sadness or frustration and force people to believe they have no right to feel what they are feeling. This process of forcing happiness instead of allowing genuine emotional expression can create a cycle in which people not only suppress their feelings but also feel increasingly disconnected from their own emotional experiences.

Studies on emotional invalidation show that people who face such invalidation are more likely to develop issues such as depression, anxiety, and impulsive behaviors. As a study by Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), indicates: “The lack of emotional validation is one of the main risk factors for developing emotional and psychological disorders.” Constant emotional invalidation can impair psychological flexibility—the ability to handle difficult thoughts and feelings healthily.

Contrary to popular belief, negative emotions are not the enemy. On the contrary, they are an essential part of our human experience and, when acknowledged and understood, can help us grow and strengthen. As Carl Jung once said: “What you resist, persists.” Sadness, fear, and frustration are natural responses to life’s challenges and should not be ignored or condemned. The key to an emotionally healthy life is learning to live with these emotions without shame or resistance.

Emotions Are Not Inherently Good or Bad
Do not be deceived by shallow, opportunistic literature; instead, understand that the reality is all emotions are valid, whether positive or negative. As Dr. Jaime Zuckerman emphasizes: “It’s okay not to be okay.” In fact, it is essential to recognize and allow ourselves to feel difficult emotions, especially during times of crisis. Emotions like sadness, fear, and anger are not signs of weakness; they are natural and valid responses to challenging circumstances.

When we face moments of pain or loss, we may feel the urge to ignore or suppress these emotions. Perhaps you have found yourself in a situation where, due to an external expectation of positivity, you tried to ignore sadness or fear. This is common because, in many cases, we are conditioned to believe these emotions are “wrong” or “undesirable.” However, as Dr. Zuckerman asserts, these emotions are not negative in themselves. They are simply natural and represent our body and mind attempting to process difficult experiences.

Think of a time when you felt overwhelmed—perhaps after a personal loss, a challenge at work, or even a family crisis. Did you try to suppress those feelings, believing they were inappropriate or that you should be stronger? Or did you allow them to surface, feeling, even temporarily, vulnerable? When we allow ourselves to feel as we are, we begin to process emotions healthily, ultimately enabling us to release them more effectively and integratively.

Suppressing emotions, in reality, only strengthens them. Whitney Goodman, in her book, explains that when we ignore difficult feelings, they become more intense and, over time, harder to manage. This can happen with any negative emotion—such as sadness or anger—that, if not acknowledged and processed, can turn into unsustainable emotional pressure. And it doesn’t stop there: this emotional resistance can manifest physically, through increased anxiety, shallow breathing, or even physical pain.

For instance, imagine someone who has lost a loved one and, instead of allowing themselves to grieve, tries at all costs to maintain a facade of positivity. Over time, this person may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to always be okay. Their unprocessed anger or sadness begins to accumulate, creating even deeper emotional stress. Rather than helping, this imposed positivity leads to a state of emotional repression, where the suffering is ignored but not resolved—and this, of course, impacts mental and physical health.

The longer we avoid or deny our emotions, the harder it becomes to face them directly. This cycle of suppression can cause chronic stress, anxiety, and even more severe mental health problems. Once again, the key to an emotionally healthy life is to acknowledge all emotions, without judgment. When we allow them to manifest honestly, we give ourselves the chance to learn and grow from these experiences, transforming pain into learning and resilience.

The Paradox of Toxic Positivity

This does not mean we should be pessimistic or drown in negative thoughts. What I want you to understand is the devastating impact of extremes, where on the other side, we find: toxic negativity. While toxic positivity forces us to mask our difficult emotions with forced optimism, toxic negativity traps us in a cycle of discouragement, where negative emotions are amplified, preventing us from seeking solutions or even processing them constructively.

Although it is essential to process our difficult emotions and acknowledge our pain, toxic negativity goes beyond that: it prevents us from seeking solutions and finding constructive ways to deal with suffering. It puts us in a state of permanent alertness, feeding constant anxiety. Excessive anxiety, in itself, is a reflection of toxic negativity, creating a vicious cycle where the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness becomes even more intense.

Toxic negativity manifests when someone excessively clings to self-criticism, insecurity, fear, and anything that can turn into negative thoughts, allowing themselves to be consumed by a state of constant hopelessness. This can be fueled by a cognitive addiction that begins to dominate us through suffering or by a catastrophic thinking pattern, where any adversity is seen as confirmation that “nothing will work out.” Instead of seeking alternatives or learning from the situation, the person ends up paralyzed in a cycle of excessive self-pity and helplessness. And as we have already mentioned, this behavior is addictive!

Neurologically, this generates a state of hypervigilance and chronic stress, constantly activating the stress response system (the well-known “freeze, fight, or flight” response), making it difficult to make constructive decisions and process emotions healthily.

When the brain is repeatedly exposed to this state of negativity, it begins to “adapt” to this thought pattern, making it increasingly difficult to break the cycle. This leads to an overload in the nervous system, resulting in elevated cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and a decrease in activity in brain areas responsible for emotional control and decision-making, such as the prefrontal cortex. As a result, the person feels increasingly powerless and helpless, unable to act effectively when faced with life’s challenges.

This cycle not only limits personal growth but can also affect physical and mental health, promoting continuous psychological wear and tear. Instead of using adversity as a learning opportunity, the person becomes trapped in a loop of hopelessness, where any difficult situation is seen as further evidence of their incapacity. Thus, toxic negativity perpetuates itself, becoming a mental addiction that is hard to break without proper awareness and intervention.

It seems contradictory, doesn’t it? In a society where we are constantly bombarded with expectations of positivity, we also deal with the emergence of a tendency towards negativity that, in some cases, becomes even more destructive, as is the case with social media and its bubbles. Instead of embracing difficulties and seeking solutions, some people get lost in the idea that nothing will ever improve, cultivating a deep pessimism that blocks any form of change, dumbing themselves down. They increasingly distance themselves from the real world, retreating to a parallel universe where anguish feeds on itself. They become trapped in their own biases, unable to perceive the possibility of transformation, as their limited view of reality doesn’t allow them to perceive alternatives. This thought trap, when fed by the constant validation of negative thoughts, creates a cycle of stagnation where the person not only fails to find solutions but also prevents any proactive action from being taken.

This behavior can be amplified by social media, where the tendency is to see only the negative side of situations, in an environment where constant comparisons and judgments undermine self-esteem. People often see themselves reflected in posts of despair, anger, and dissatisfaction, further fueling their own insecurities and fears. Instead of using these platforms as a means of connection or learning, they become a distorted mirror of reality, where feelings of hopelessness are validated and perpetuated. Instead of viewing difficulties as opportunities for learning or growth, the person feels trapped, as if sinking into a spiral with no end.

Psychologist Martin Seligman warned about the risks of excessive pessimism. He stated that “chronic pessimism is one of the greatest sources of human suffering” and that an overly negative view of life can have a devastating impact not only on emotional well-being but also on physical health and interpersonal relationships. Seligman explained that by focusing too much on difficulties and obstacles, a person loses the ability to see solutions or generate constructive action to improve their situation.

In practice, toxic negativity can result in a lack of resilience, preventing someone from recovering from crises and challenges. Instead of learning from obstacles and moving forward with a more adaptable mindset, the person begins to over-identify with their difficulties, becoming a prisoner of their own negative thoughts. This behavior can lead to isolation, giving up, or even worsening mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

An example of this can be observed in people who, when facing a professional or personal difficulty, cling to thoughts like “I will never be able to overcome this” or “Nothing in my life will ever change.” These thoughts not only intensify suffering but also disable any positive movement towards a solution. They become trapped in the idea that the situation is irremediable, and instead of seeking ways to break free from this cycle, they continue to feed negativity with the belief that there is no way out.

Conversely, if someone acknowledges their pain and simultaneously allows themselves to seek a constructive way to deal with it, change becomes possible. The paradox lies in the fact that, while it is necessary and healthy to feel pain, seeking a solution is essential to prevent it from consuming us entirely. The practice of balancing the acknowledgment of difficulties with action toward solutions is what allows us to move forward, transforming suffering into learning and growth.

Toxic Positivity in the Workplace: The Impact on Employees and the Need for a Human-Centered Culture

Of course, toxic positivity also affects organizational climates!
As organizations face increasingly complex challenges, leaders and teams are under intense pressure to maintain high morale and performance. However, in the pursuit of positivity, some workplaces have embraced the concept of “toxic positivity”—a culture where only positive emotions are welcome, and negative feelings are dismissed or invalidated. While this attitude may be well-intentioned, it can have serious consequences for employees’ well-being and the organizational culture as a whole.

For example, in a recent analysis of complex environments, researchers highlighted the harmful effects of toxic positivity in the education sector, an area already burdened with workload stress and emotional exhaustion. Teachers, for instance, are increasingly pressured to maintain a positive attitude despite challenging circumstances such as understaffing, excessive administrative responsibilities, and the emotional toll of hard work. The demand to maintain a “positive attitude” and suppress any negativity can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout, harming not only personal well-being but also team effectiveness.

Toxic positivity manifests when leaders prioritize a facade of optimism, encouraging employees to “look on the bright side” or “focus on the positives,” even in situations where challenges are undeniable. This attitude can invalidate the real difficulties employees face, creating an environment where it becomes difficult to express concerns or seek support. For instance, when leaders downplay the emotional weight of stressful incidents, such as conflicts or crises, and instead urge employees to remain cheerful and harmonious, they intensify feelings of isolation and frustration.

Conversely, organizations that adopt a human-centered culture that prioritizes emotions and feelings cultivate a more supportive and productive environment. Acknowledging negative emotions, rather than repressing them, allows employees to feel seen and heard. For example, a leader might say, “I see this is a challenging situation. Let’s figure out how we can address it together,” instead of offering a generic response like “Everything will be fine.”

Leaders play a crucial role in shaping organizational culture, and part of their responsibility is creating spaces where employees feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment. This involves shifting the expectation that positivity must be the norm and instead fostering a culture of collective care. Just as in the educational environment, where teachers are encouraged to work together to handle emotional challenges, organizations in other sectors should also promote teamwork to address workplace stress.

A more balanced approach to positivity emphasizes psychological flexibility—the ability to experience and manage both positive and negative emotions. This helps employees maintain emotional resilience and contributes to long-term well-being. Leaders should encourage open conversations about emotions, provide genuine support, and develop collective strategies to address shared challenges.

Ultimately, shifting from toxic positivity to a more inclusive and human-centered organizational culture can prevent burnout and increase employee engagement, making it essential for organizations to not only acknowledge but also validate the full range of emotions experienced by their teams.

THE JOURNEY TO EMOTIONAL HEALING: RECOGNIZING AND VALIDATING FEELINGS

True emotional healing does not come through an incessant pursuit of positivity or the imposition of a distorted view shaped by positive psychology. Instead, it begins with the honest acknowledgment of human emotions, free from the pressure to always be positive. The true path to emotional healing involves facing life as it is, recognizing and validating our feelings, whether they are comfortable or challenging.

Often, we are pressured to minimize or mask what we feel, especially during difficult times, through forced optimism or the mindset of toxic positivity. However, true healing can only occur when we embrace the entirety of our emotions without shame or guilt. This process does not involve denying the pain but rather validating it, acknowledging its presence as an essential part of our human experience.

Optimism, Positivism, and Positive Psychology: Understanding the Differences

Before diving deeper, it is crucial to distinguish between three concepts often confused yet carrying distinct meanings and implications: optimism, positivism, and positive psychology. Understanding these differences can help us separate what is genuinely beneficial for our emotional health from what may be harmful or superficial.

• Optimism: Optimism is an emotional disposition involving the belief that, despite difficulties, there is a realistic chance that things will improve in the future. An optimist tends to see the glass as half full, but this does not mean ignoring present pain or challenges. Healthy optimism is based on realistic hope, acknowledging difficulties while believing that overcoming them is possible. The optimist understands that the path may be arduous but chooses to believe in a better future without ignoring reality.

• Positivism: Positivism often carries a more superficial and simplistic connotation. Rather than realistic optimism, positivism can refer to an attempt to ignore real difficulties and promote an artificially optimistic view of life regardless of the facts. Positivism often says, “Just be positive, and everything will be fine,” without considering the complexity of human emotions. This approach can lead to a disconnection from reality, where suffering is denied in favor of an unrealistic view of the world.

• Positive Psychology: Positive psychology, on the other hand, is a science based on decades of research exploring the aspects that promote well-being, happiness, and human flourishing. It focuses on how we can live more meaningful and satisfying lives, emphasizing points such as gratitude, resilience, optimism, and positive emotions. Unlike superficial positivism, positive psychology does not ignore pain or suffering but works to promote a growth mindset that recognizes both negative and positive emotions as legitimate parts of life. Based on scientific evidence, it seeks to help people find better ways to cope with life’s challenges while cultivating aspects such as self-compassion, emotional resilience, and a sense of purpose.

Deconstructing Toxic Positivity: Healing Through Emotional Recognition

As we have repeatedly discussed, toxic positivity—the belief that we must always be happy and positive, regardless of circumstances—can harm our emotional well-being. It ignores the fact that human emotions are complex and that suffering, sadness, and fear are natural and necessary for our growth process. When we sweep these emotions under the rug or try to force a positive attitude before we are ready, we end up burying our real emotional needs, which can lead to detachment and emotional distancing.

Emotional healing begins when we allow ourselves to genuinely feel what we are experiencing without external pressures to always be “happy.” As psychologist Barbara Zuckerman states, we must abandon the mindset of toxic positivity and start adopting a language of emotional acceptance, validating all our emotions, not just the pleasant ones. This means embracing our humanity and the complexity of what it means to be alive.

Instead of trying to correct or minimize difficult emotions, we must feel them deeply and allow them to be processed authentically. Validating emotions is not an excuse for stagnation or resignation but a vital step in understanding and transforming pain into learning. True healing does not come from denying or fleeing our feelings but from a journey of emotional integration, where we become more authentic, genuine, and consequently stronger.

In this context, positive psychology offers a valuable perspective, teaching us that true happiness and well-being do not lie in the exclusion of negative emotions but in learning to deal with them in a healthy and constructive way. It helps us cultivate resilience, gratitude, and a growth mindset while recognizing pain, suffering, and sadness as natural parts of the human experience. By integrating these emotions into our growth process, we can achieve lasting well-being, more aligned with the reality of life, without needing to mask it with excessive or superficial optimism.

When we start validating our emotions, we not only enable internal healing but also create a safe space for others. By doing so, we are not only creating a healthier reality for ourselves but also fostering a more welcoming and realistic world around us, where emotional authenticity can flourish. Positive psychology teaches us that by validating our pain and embracing genuine acceptance, we can cultivate a richer and deeper reality, where growth and transformation happen authentically.

This process of emotional healing is, therefore, about letting go of the false layers we wear, whether imposed by social conventions or external expectations. By recognizing the entirety of our emotions and the complexity of life, we begin to live more authentically, pursuing goals and purposes that truly make sense, aligned with our true essence, rather than the masks society tries to impose. Positive psychology does not ask us to be perfect but to be true, and it is in this space of authenticity that genuine healing and true happiness can emerge.

Balancing Positivity and Authenticity

Recognizing human emotions requires a more nuanced approach where authenticity is prioritized without falling into the trap of denial or exaggeration. It’s not about rejecting hope or motivation—on the contrary, a healthy dose of optimism is always beneficial for our journey. However, true optimism arises from a place of realism, where we can look at our feelings, both positive and negative, and accept them as part of the natural and human cycle.

Emotional healing begins when we accept that discomfort is also part of our experience. Our ability to sit with pain, to experience sadness, fear, and even anger—without judgment or the urge to quickly “fix” them—allows us to navigate these emotions more constructively and healthily. The goal is not to “overcome” these emotions quickly but to let them exist without the pressure of always being okay. Instead of hiding or repressing these feelings, we can learn to coexist with them, allowing them to integrate into our healing process.

Here, the concept of emotional acceptance advocated by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioral Development (CBD) comes into play. By experiencing emotions without trying to alter or control them, we have the opportunity to truly heal. This frees us from temporary solutions and the relentless pursuit of unrealistic optimism, allowing us to live the human experience in its fullness. While positivity has its value, it cannot replace the emotional reality of the present moment.

Rather than being caught in a cycle of chronic negativity or forced positivity, we should seek a healthy balance. This balance allows us to feel deeply without being consumed by these emotions. True emotional power lies in being present with the emotion without being overwhelmed by it—in learning to look at pain and joy with the same respect and understanding. In a space where authenticity and realistic optimism coexist, we find fertile ground for true emotional healing and the development of a life more aligned with our genuine purpose.

The Journey of Healing: Psychological Flexibility and the Middle Path

At the core of our emotional healing journey are two fundamental pillars: self-awareness and psychological flexibility. Self-awareness is the foundation of our ability to recognize and understand our emotions, allowing us to interact with them more effectively. It helps us unravel the nature of our feelings, perceive how they influence our actions, and adopt a more compassionate and realistic view of our emotional experience. Self-compassion, as proposed by Kristin Neff, is an essential practice in this process—it’s about learning to treat ourselves kindly, especially when we fail or face emotional challenges.

Psychological flexibility comes into play when we free ourselves from rigid identification with our emotions. Instead of being prisoners of pain or anger, we can navigate emotions without being consumed by them. This is the essence of true emotional resilience: not the absence of suffering but the ability to live with pain and adversity without letting these emotions define our identity or prevent us from moving forward. By recognizing that both positive and negative emotions have value, we can begin to transform pain into learning and fear into courage.

True Emotional Healing: The Path of Integration and Authenticity

True emotional healing, therefore, does not lie in denying or attempting to correct our difficult feelings in the name of superficial happiness. Nor should it be based on a cycle of chronic negativity. The balance is found in the middle path, where we can embrace the entirety of the human experience, recognizing and welcoming all emotions, without fear or judgment. This process of emotional integration allows us to sustain hope, growth, and transformation, even when life presents us with challenging moments.

The middle path is one where emotions are not simply expressed or suppressed, but integrated in a healthy and authentic manner. When we manage to validate our emotions—whether joyful, sad, or challenging—while also looking to the future with realistic optimism, our emotional journey becomes more sustainable and enriching. True transformation does not occur when we deny emotions, but when we accept them and allow them to exist, finding meaning and purpose in our everyday experience.

Overcoming the Mask: The Importance of Emotional Honesty

In moments of vulnerability, many of us resort to the mask—a socially acceptable persona that hides our emotions and insecurities. As human beings, we have a natural tendency to hide our flaws and weaknesses, whether out of fear of judgment or the pressure to maintain an image of perfection. This phenomenon of hiding our true essence, which Jung referred to as the “shadow,” is one of the greatest barriers to genuine emotional healing. For existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, this struggle against authenticity is a form of escape from freedom: living an authentic life requires courage, as it means accepting our shadows and our flaws without masks or distortions.

True emotional strength does not lie in living under a mask of constant happiness, but in embracing the emotional complexity of the human experience. Rollo May, one of the most renowned existential psychologists, emphasized that by ignoring or hiding our pain behind masks, we deny ourselves the power to grow and transform. He argues that pain and vulnerability are essential aspects of human development and should not be seen as weaknesses, but as sources of self-knowledge and resilience.

However, society often pressures us to hide these challenging emotions, resulting in toxic positivity—the idea that we should always be “fine” or “happy.” When we find ourselves or see someone living under this false narrative, the first step toward healing is emotional honesty. It is not about offering quick fixes or trying to minimize suffering, but about creating a safe space where emotions can be felt and acknowledged without judgment.

This space of genuine acceptance, empathetic listening, and emotional validation is where true transformation begins. As Irvin Yalom, a famous existential psychotherapist, proposed, healing can only occur when we are willing to look inward, without fear of the shadows that inhabit our psyche. He states that emotional authenticity is one of the keys to psychological freedom, as by recognizing our own weaknesses, we are able to transcend self-imposed limitations and live a fuller, more truthful life.

Therefore, true strength lies in allowing ourselves to be human. When we choose to remove the masks and confront our shadows with courage, we begin to access a new level of emotional authenticity, where emotions can flow naturally, without being suppressed or denied. True emotional healing does not lie in ignoring or fighting against our feelings, but in embracing them as a natural part of our human journey. By recognizing the complexity of emotional experience, we open the door to genuine transformation, where pain and vulnerability are not only acknowledged but welcomed and understood as opportunities for growth.

Negativity as Part of the Human Process: An Evolutionary and Psychological Perspective

Understanding human emotions begins with a fundamental recognition: we are biologically programmed to perceive the negative. This negativity bias, a deeply rooted evolutionary phenomenon in the brain’s functioning, has roots in our survival history. Daniel Kahneman, in his work Thinking, Fast and Slow, highlights how the human mind, over millennia, developed a natural tendency to focus on risks and threats. In the past, this predisposition helped us respond quickly to imminent dangers, increasing our chances of survival. However, in the present context, where threats are not as visible or immediate, this predisposition can become counterproductive, keeping us trapped in unnecessary fears and anxieties.

Negative emotions—fear, anger, and sadness—are not, as we often assume, enemies of our emotional health. They have a clear purpose and are adaptive responses that connect us to reality, help us set boundaries, and reflect on what truly matters. For example, fear alerts us to danger; anger is a necessary reaction to assert our rights; and sadness invites us to reassess our expectations and prepare for recovery. The point is not to avoid these emotions, but to learn how to integrate them in a constructive and healthy way.

Evolutionary psychology, with the studies of Paul Ekman, confirms that human emotions, far from being something to fear, are universal and adaptive. In his research, Ekman demonstrated that primary emotions such as fear and anger are shared by all cultures, reinforcing that our emotional experience, however uncomfortable it may be, has intrinsic value. The real challenge, then, is not the presence of these emotions, but our ability to handle them in a healthy way, without succumbing to the temptation to suppress them.

However, modern society often encourages us to adopt a constant positivity discourse, rather than dealing with the complexity of our emotions. Phrases like “Think positive!” and “Look on the bright side!” can inadvertently push us toward toxic positivity. Brené Brown, in her studies, describes how this social pressure to display superficial happiness impedes our emotional authenticity, often generating feelings of shame and isolation. By forcing ourselves to hide vulnerability, we deny a fundamental part of our humanity, making emotional healing a longer and more complex process.

Carl Rogers, one of the leading theorists of humanistic psychology, proposed that true emotional healing begins with the acceptance of emotions—both the pleasant and the challenging ones. Healing does not occur when we try to eliminate difficult emotions, but when we learn to integrate them, to look at them with curiosity, and to use them as sources of self-knowledge and learning. As Rogers said, “The process of healing is the ability to experience our emotions without fear of them, so we can truly grow.”

In the field of neuroscience, Richard Davidson, an expert in emotional neuroplasticity, suggests that the human brain, although programmed to focus on threats, can be trained to respond more balanced. Techniques like mindfulness help regulate emotional activity, allowing us to be more resilient without being consumed by our emotions.

Throughout our emotional journey, it is important to recognize that pain and suffering have a transformative power. As I mentioned in my book “The Map Is Not The Territory, The Territory Is You”, suffering is not merely an obstacle, but an essential tool for our growth. It is not about overcoming pain, but living it fully, absorbing its power for genuine self-transformation. By integrating pain instead of avoiding it, we can find new meaning in life and draw closer to our true essence.

Therefore, authentic emotional healing is not about avoiding or denying negative emotions, but integrating those emotions in a healthy way. By learning to sit with pain and sadness, without the pressure to escape them, we create the necessary space for true transformation to happen. In my book, I recall a passage from Viktor Frankl in “Man’s Search for Meaning”: “Pain is a gift. The ability to bear it gives us strength, and provides a deeper perspective on life.” When we can perceive pain as a source of learning, we are ready to rewrite our own narrative and live a more meaningful life.

Finally,

Oftentimes, we try to protect ourselves and others from discomfort, but by doing so, we may be blocking the very path to healing. Allowing space for all emotions — not just the positive ones — is the first step toward a deeper and more authentic life.

Instead of seeking happiness at any cost and ignoring our negative emotions, we must embrace the complexity of our emotional experience. The key to an emotionally balanced life is acceptance: accepting both the good and the bad moments, without rushing to “get over” the pain. By doing so, we develop greater psychological flexibility and more robust emotional health.

Accepting our negative emotions, such as anger or sadness, does not mean letting them dominate us, but rather recognizing them as part of the human process. When we accept these emotions without judgment, we can learn from them and use them to act more constructively. Psychology teaches us that emotional acceptance — the ability to feel without guilt or shame — is a vital step toward mental health and well-being. When we do this, these emotions cease to have power over us and become sources of learning.

Instead of resorting to simplistic phrases like “Be positive!” or “It will pass!”, we should adopt a more empathetic approach. The simple act of listening and validating another person’s feelings can have a profound impact on emotional recovery. When someone shares their emotions with us, an empathetic response might be: “I understand that you’re going through a tough time, it must be really painful,” or “I can see how difficult this is for you, and I’m here to support you.”

Living with negative emotions does not mean letting them take over, but rather recognizing them as part of our human journey. By validating them, we can find the balance that allows us not only to survive but also to grow in the face of life’s challenges.

Also, remember that in the workplace, toxic positivity has also proven harmful, contributing to burnout and invalidating employees’ emotions. By creating spaces for emotional acceptance, we can promote a healthier culture, where employees feel supported and understood, without the pressure to conform to an unrealistic standard of constant happiness. When emotions are recognized and validated, authenticity flourishes, and teams become more resilient and connected. True well-being in the workplace does not come from ignoring difficulties, but from addressing them with empathy, respect, and the understanding that all emotions play an important role in building a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Ultimately, life is a delicate dance between light and shadow, where pain and joy are not opposites but complementary, like day and night. Carl Rogers teaches us that healing comes not from denying the shadows, but from accepting them, from allowing ourselves to be human, whole, with all our flaws and virtues. Viktor Frankl, when looking at the horrors of existence, shows us that even in the deepest pain, there is space to find meaning in life, something that transcends suffering.

Jean-Paul Sartre, in his search for freedom and authenticity, challenges us to embrace our responsibility for our choices, for our lives — and, with that, to also embrace responsibility for our emotions, even those that seem darker to us. And Nietzsche, with his vision of “amor fati,” invites us to dance with our fate, to accept suffering and pain as integral parts of our journey, for it is through overcoming difficulties that our true strength emerges.

“It is not in the brightness of the dawn that we find the truth,
But in the shadows of dusk, where the soul reveals itself.
Pain is not an enemy, but the master of the path,
And in fragility, the essence of life is unveiled.”
(Marcello de Souza)

When we accept our emotions, all of them, we become more than mere survivors of life; we become authentic creators of our own destiny. It is not in the tireless pursuit of happiness that we find purpose, but in the recognition that we are complete in our imperfection. Life, like pain, is an invitation to transformation.

If this resonated with you, I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. How have you been dealing with the pressure of toxic positivity? What emotions are you allowing yourself to feel today?

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I began my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecom market. Since then, I’ve been at the forefront of major projects focused on the structure, implementation, and optimization of telecommunication networks in Brazil.

Driven by curiosity and passion for behavioral and social psychology, in 2008, I decided to dive deeper into the human mind. Since then, I’ve become a professional dedicated to uncovering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations.

Competencies and Experience:

• Senior Master Coach: I guide my clients in their quest for personal and professional goals, delivering extraordinary results.
• Executive Presence Specialist: I enhance the ability of leaders and executives to influence and engage their teams with authenticity and confidence.
• Chief Happiness Officer and Developer of Positive Environments: I promote a culture of well-being that boosts productivity and employee engagement.
• Agile Leader Instructor: I train leaders to thrive in ever-changing environments through agile leadership and innovation.
• Agile Coaching Trainer: I train professionals to drive organizational change and improve processes through agile methodologies.
• Leader Trainer: I have taught leaders to develop essential strategic and emotional skills for effective and sustainable performance.
• Behavioral Language and Oratory Specialist: I help individuals communicate clearly and powerfully, both in presentations and daily interactions.
• Cognitive Behavioral Developer: I use advanced CBT techniques to help individuals overcome obstacles and achieve mental balance.
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• Specialist in Organizational Environment Design: I create environments that foster collaboration, innovation, and well-being in the workplace.

Academic Background: I hold a doctorate in Social Psychology, four postgraduate degrees, and several international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My experience includes hundreds of lectures, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

I am the co-author of “The Secret of Coaching” and author of “The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You” and “The Society of the Diet” (the first in a trilogy on human behavior in contemporary times, published in September 2023).

I invite you to become my partner on this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will explore a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.

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