CAN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BECOME HEALTHY AGAIN?

There is no doubt that living in a toxic relationship is physically and psychologically harmful, leaving scars that are challenging to erase. It is also a fact that toxic relationships often evolve into abusive ones, and although not all abusive relationships end tragically, they can lay the groundwork for various forms of violence within a relationship. At this point, it is crucial to pay full attention: toxic relationships can easily turn abusive, but it is important to understand that not all toxic relationships become abusive, although all abusive relationships are undoubtedly toxic.

The question that I believe is worth reflecting on is that in this era where everything seems disposable, and individuality is increasingly present, people are becoming more isolated and psychologically affected. Many psychological issues are being addressed with a sense of equality where reality has become distorted. The term as serious as “toxic relationships” has become a kind of catchphrase that is often used incorrectly. For some, it serves as a justification for other psychological, personal, and behavioral problems that should be examined in different ways—with more objectivity, seriousness, depth, analysis, understanding, study, in short, in a healthier way to achieve much better results while preserving integrity, respect, and the quality of relationships among people.

As the first point to emphasize, many people are not clear on what constitutes an abusive relationship versus a toxic one and what the differences are between them. It is also necessary to understand that the profile of a toxic or abusive person is not related to human sexuality. A person can suffer from this deviation or psychological and behavioral disorder regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. In the case of a toxic relationship, it can also be perceived from the point of view of the one committing the toxicity. Not necessarily from the perspective of the one suffering, as both parties may be toxic to each other, and initially, they may not even realize it.

“Pay attention to the thorn that is hurting your foot. If it is hurting you, remove it right away. Do not let it inflame, and be careful that no part of it remains inside you. Insist on continuing like this, and there will come a time when you won’t be able to take a single step forward with your life.” (Adapted by Marcello de Souza)

The reality is that a toxic relationship can occur anywhere and with anyone—whether between couples, at work, in the family, among colleagues. It happens in many ways, both verbally and non-verbally, resulting in making the other person feel belittled and unhappy with themselves.

A toxic person has a negativistic profile, tending to complain about everything and everyone. They find problems even where there shouldn’t be any; they judge, criticize, complain, have jealousy, possessive ideas, acting like a true emotional vampire. However, they often fail to realize the impact of their actions.

By dragging others down, a toxic person harms self-esteem, the recognition of one’s own values, and distorts the image that others have of themselves. In such a relationship, the toxic person becomes an obstacle preventing the other person from being themselves, directly affecting personal and professional growth. The impact is felt both in the physical and mental health, potentially leading the person to develop psychological illnesses such as stress, depression, panic disorder, phobias, anxiety, substance dependence, among others.

TOXIC VS. ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: UNRAVELING THE DIFFERENCES

Toxic individuals often fail to realize the harm they cause to others. They are not driven by the intention to hurt but are rather blind to their own reality. Systematically, they become hostages to their shadows, their ego, and narcissism.

On the other hand, an abusive relationship is characterized by emotional abuse. Abusers are aware of their actions and may even take pleasure in them. They are skilled charmers, using persuasive tactics to be pleasant, polite, and very kind at the beginning of a relationship or when it suits them. They know how to work their emotions and can change their behavior according to their interests. Once they make the other person vulnerable and establish a connection, they start acting coldly, intending to gain control. This control can be exerted through intimidation and threats, humiliation and ridicule, lies, destruction of property, accusations, insults, mental aggression, and intentional control over friendships and family relationships to prevent any external help. They continuously seek dominance in the psychological realm and can easily escalate to physical violence. Abusers are cold, feel no remorse or pity, and lack empathy or compassion.

Abusive people leave lasting marks beyond anxiety and depression. Individuals who have experienced abuse often carry symptoms of panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder related to situations reminiscent of their abusive relationships.

Both toxic and abusive situations require external help. It is crucial to emphasize that any form of psychological violence is as severe as physical violence. Being psychologically violated is not a sign of “weakness” but rather being a victim of individuals who urgently need treatment.

Defining exactly when a relationship is becoming toxic and evolving into an abusive one is challenging. However, there are indicators in a relationship that should be taken into account, such as the intensity and recurrence of events, jealousy and possessiveness, control over decisions and actions, attempts to isolate the partner from friends and family, aggression, discomfort or unease, verbal and/or physical violence, pressuring or forcing the partner into sexual relations—another form of abuse.

It is important to understand the clear difference between toxic and abusive behaviors. For those experiencing or having experienced such situations or knowing someone going through them, it can be challenging to discern when the relationship is more than a trap. Whether due to common behavioral deviations in toxic individuals or antisocial personality disorders such as psychopathy or sociopathy in abusive individuals, all are skilled in conquest. What sets them apart is the limit they impose on causing harm to others. Abusive individuals often struggle to conform to social norms and behaviors but can establish minimal bonds and may feel guilt in certain situations. Psychopaths, who lack empathy and the ability to establish healthy relationships or feel remorse for any pain caused, also exist. However, it is crucial to understand that both are excellent manipulators, capable of becoming violent and exploitative, easily capable of destroying lives.

The fact that a toxic relationship is not beneficial is evident. However, how harmful is it? How toxic is it really?

After considering all these points, it is still necessary to clarify that a person can act toxic through jokes, gossip, criticism, judgment, opportunism, excessive jealousy, selfishness, arrogance, narcissism, demands, lies, dependence, financial or emotional fraud, blackmail—anything that becomes disrespectful to the point of harming the other physically or psychologically, weakening them, potentially leading the other to create an increasingly stronger dependence in the relationship.

“I realized that our relationship was bad when I counted how many nights I went to sleep crying because of you. It was almost all of them.” (Unknown)

Persisting in a relationship with a toxic person is not simple. Normally, toxic people result from a complex life story, primarily during the first decade of life. It is true that everyone carries physical and mental marks resulting from bonds and experiences accumulated since the beginning of life. Disturbing experiences, conflicts, frustrations, losses, and traumas also leave traces, causing a lack or depletion of emotional resources, which manifests through psychic and somatic pathways throughout life.

There is no perfect life, and that is a fact! Everyone carries both joyful and sorrowful experiences in their stories, but the sad ones often leave significant sequelae.

In this regard, it is always worth remembering that our history does not begin at the start of a friendship or love relationship or on the day of the first meeting, passion, or love at first sight. Since conception, during gestation, after birth, and throughout life’s development, everyone is in continuous learning of movements and marks of integration, organization, hierarchization, and acceptance in the face of bodily, relational, psychic, and behavioral experiences. All, in their present state, are the results of the development throughout life in its evolutionary continuity of different dimensions of each person’s experience that integrate their life and are expressed through somatic, psychic, and behavioral pathways, whether normal or pathological.

In this trajectory, everyone faces joyful, sorrowful, disturbing experiences, conflicts, frustrations, losses—sometimes traumatic.

In response to all lived experiences are behaviors, thoughts, attitudes that directly impact the representative, relational, and emotional resources today, in their present state. The nature, quality, consistency, and fluidity of this “self” formed by their trajectory are based on representing the means of interactions with the environment and other relationships that have been part of their lives.

THEREFORE, UNLIKE SOAP OPERAS AND ROMANTIC MOVIES, OVER TIME, IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, YOU DISCOVER THAT THE OTHER PERSON IS ALSO HUMAN, WITH QUALITIES AND FLAWS.

Their way of being, acting, and thinking is very different from the one that was illusorily constructed at the beginning of any relationship because the other person also brings with them the result of their own history, dealing with the reality of life and all its problems. But not only that.

Whether in a friendship, work, or love relationship, when you realize over time that the other person is not what you thought they were, you can react in many ways. At this moment, the history of your life, as well as the social environment and family relationships, weighs heavily because they will be the foundation of how to deal with reality.

Along with the relationship come the everyday problems that do not stop and will never stop. Whether it’s work, family, friends, social and economic means, stress, demands, debts, traffic, illnesses, violence, there are countless events that occur every moment of life and are not under our control, in addition to all of them, of course, there is also chance. Therefore, living is an immeasurable complexity of events that affect us in the same way that we affect the “world” to which we belong, and they are events in which many are impossible to imagine and for which it is difficult to be fully prepared.

It is possible that those who have had the luck to experience life in a healthier way, perhaps because they had a harmonious childhood in a balanced family where their needs as children were well attended to, may better handle this realistic situation. They can take advantage of reality to build something much greater together with the other. Of course, this is just one example, but it is a fact that in this presented life history, there is more chance that the person knows better how to deal with reality. Now, it is also likely that those who had a problematic childhood, whose needs as children were not met, who suffered some type of trauma, who lived in a disorganized family, may act toxically in the face of reality.

What is intended to be said here is not to consider this comparison as truth but to demonstrate that today we are the result of our experiences, and much of our behavior is due to how we learned to deal with life based on the moment of being present in the reality of now.

When you say that you accept someone as they are, do you really accept them, or do you tolerate them? Do you accept them, or do you want to mold them? (Unknown)

In fact, most people can act toxically, but not necessarily “be” toxic individuals. “Being toxic” and “being toxic” are very different things. Being toxic is not a behavioral deviation and can represent immaturity as well as fear of the “self” facing the present reality of life. In fact, they are usually fragile people who need to overcome themselves to hide their own shadows. It is no wonder they use multiple masks to shield themselves from reality, feeling vulnerable. As a defense strategy, they prefer to point the finger, intensify their attention to the other’s defects, bother with details and quirks, complain about certain behaviors, see in the other what bothers them the most, refuse to see the qualities and virtues of the other, always have a tone of disdain and threat, especially when it comes to ending or distancing themselves from a relationship, impose ideas and opinions, refuse to listen to the other, think they are always right, and with this, day after day, seek to maintain control in the relationship. They have difficulty apologizing and even less asking for forgiveness. Many live in a continuous and almost delirious search for self-love but cannot have self-compassion. They prefer self-help over self-awareness. They continually demonstrate with their words and actions to be strong people, but in reality, they are insecure, with low self-esteem, who need to live from the other’s perspective for approval.

People who are toxic need a lot of support, psychological help, and affection to learn to deal with themselves in relation to the reality of life. They bring with them a set of beliefs and values that make them insecure, precisely as a result of the lack of attention during childhood. Therefore, it is important to understand that this is not necessarily related to behavioral deviations, nor does it make them despicable or ill-intentioned, without qualities, virtues, or moral principles, unlike a toxic person.

It is true that those who live in a toxic relationship have little chance of identifying what is really happening, and sometimes they are so engrossed in the relationship that they can hardly understand everything around them.

In this complex theme, there are aggravating factors that can intensify the differences in reality, and often we may be condemning people who have many more qualities than defects, and our judgment is based on the illusion of perfectionism or idealization that will never exist.

The big problem today, especially motivated by this illusory world of appearances, likes, and the imperative of happiness, is that many have come to believe that there are ready-made recipes for relationship stereotypes, in the same way that a healthy and happy relationship should be magical and perfect, forgetting who they really are inside, expecting much more from the other than they can be; in this sense, there is no exchange but interests. Not to mention that there are also those who think that the other is the solution to their problems, as well as those who want to make the other a mirror of themselves. There are also those who have not yet understood that what they see in the other is what they want to see and that many of the criticisms and judgments made speak much more about themselves than about the other. All of this is fuel for establishing something harmful, not because it is formed by toxic relationships but because it is dulled by toxicity between the reality of life and the lack of self-awareness.

However, it has become easier to cower from life and faithfully believe that it is easier to treat others as objects and put everything in the same box with imperative clichés, because this way, the responsibility for who we really are and what we truly represent ceases to exist. Turning the other into a tool with utility and an expiration date is a much easier path to escape from oneself. And isn’t that being toxic?

It becomes very difficult for people to understand that nothing external to us can harm us. The result of everything that happens within us is not in the environment or in people but rather in the reality created introspectively by ourselves. In other words, it is not the external world that acts upon us, but rather how we internally deal with the information that the external world is sending us. How it affects us is our problem, and this is directly related to our own life history.

That’s why there is no ready-made recipe capable of qualifying every person, or gurus and self-help manuals that really have the power to help us find the right answer to deal with life and our relationships.

“The only thing that should move two people to stay together should be the free will to be together.” (Unknown)

When it comes to the psyche and human behavior, one cannot simply equalize by similarities. There may be similarity, and even so, they are far from any conformity. Everyone is unique in everything, including the way of dealing with the world. The reality created by us is not yours or anyone else’s in this world, and it is precisely in these differences that we find the possibility of discovering our best selves. In other words, each human being is unique, and there are many psychological and behavioral issues that can be worked on and that are certainly part of human development.

Learning does not take place in the glamor of life but in the absence, loss, abandonment, disillusionment, disappointment, etc. Human beings need sadness, pain, and suffering to become better people, but above all, we need self-awareness and to understand that the other is not us and vice versa. So, before assigning blame to the other, throwing stones, blaming, and justifying much of ourselves out there, we need to look more sincerely to see if we are really living a toxic relationship because it is formed by toxic people or if we are toxic in the face of everything that is happening around us, and this makes all the difference between a toxic relationship being able to become healthy again or really being the end for the well-being of each one.

No one is born ready, and no one dies ready. Everyone is perfectible beings, but never perfect, and that is the miracle of life. The certainty that each one can be better tomorrow.

It is also worth remembering that all people are capable at some point in their lives of being toxic. It is not always possible to maintain balance or not fall into life’s own chimeras. This is human nature. This “real self” that everyone carries within is not the “self” of balance and rationality. Also inside each one is the “self” – as designated in psychoanalytic theory with Id – that of impulses, instincts, organic impulses, and unconscious desires. It functions according to the pleasure principle, seeking what produces pleasure and avoiding what is aversive. This “real self” does not make plans, does not wait, seeks an immediate solution to tensions, does not accept frustrations, and does not know inhibition. It has no contact with reality. It seeks satisfaction in fantasy and can have the same effect as a concrete action to achieve a goal. The id is unaware of judgment, logic, values, ethics, or morals. It is demanding, impulsive, blind, irrational, antisocial, and selfish.

In this contemporary era where emotions and feelings are on the surface, it is not always possible to control this “real self.” Therefore, a good evaluation, seeking a good specialist, making assertive changes, taking initiative to do things differently and find new possibilities, giving a significant time for self-reflection and self-knowledge are minimal and valid recommendations for those relationships that have reached unsustainable situations.

Since there is no physical violence, moral or physical abuse, attacks that endanger the other’s life or integrity (abuse is a crime and requires much more extreme measures) – after all, these are the attitudes of toxic and abusive people – it is possible that the qualities and virtues justify one more attempt to seek help and try to make a toxic relationship healthy again. One cannot believe that it is possible to be happy by seeking the unhappiness of others. (Seneca)

I hope you understand that the intention here is not to consider toxic people but people who are toxic. In this sense, perhaps the points mentioned can help not only identify if your relationship is toxic because it is formed by toxic people but also prevent it from becoming toxic one day.

For all this, it is necessary to be aware that there is a difference between giving up on someone and realizing that you deserve something better. So, before destroying a relationship because of these imperatives, it is worth reflecting that there may be much healthier and ennobling paths than simply discarding dreams, desires, and love. Whether to insist or not, this doubt belongs to you. Only you will know what the other has of best worthy of your admiration, respect, and integrity. In doubt, seek a true specialist!

Do not be fooled by others’ recipes, seek in your own questions to find insights that really belong to you, and in doubt, seek true specialists who know and study this subject. Who really knows what they are talking about. Here’s a tip: Remember that there is no shortage of uninformed people in the market who talk about relationships inappropriately and treat serious issues like this in a frivolous and opportunistic way. Be careful not to fall into the hands of many of these who take advantage of your vulnerability to justify their personal problems, and avoid others who are ready to deceive you and profit from it.

Finally, I leave a beautiful reflection that is worth reading and remembering for everything written so far:

“Life is the result of the decision of each moment. Perhaps that is why the idea of planting is so revealing about the art of living. Living is planting. It is the attitude of constant sowing, of letting fall into the soil of our existence the most diverse forms of seeds. Each choice, no matter how small, is a form of seed that we throw on the flowerbed that we are. One day, everything that we now silently plant, or let plant in us, will be a plantation that can be seen from afar… For each day, its commitment. Biblical wisdom confirms this when it tells us that ‘under heaven there is a time for everything!’. Today, in this time that is yours, the future is being planted. The choices you seek, the friends you cultivate, the readings you do, the values you embrace, the loves you love, everything will be decisive for the future harvest. Happiness may be that: the joy of gathering from the land that we are, fruits that are pleasing to the eyes! Unhappiness, perhaps the opposite. What we cannot lose sight of is that life is not real outside of cultivation. It is always time to sow seeds… It is always time to reap fruits. Everything at the same time. Seeds of yesterday, fruits of today, seeds of today, fruits of tomorrow! Therefore, do not lose sight of what you are choosing to let fall on your land. Beware of sowers who do not love you. They have the power to spoil the result of many things. Beware of sowers you don’t know. There is much hidden malice in seductive smiles… Beware of those who drop anything on you, after all, you deserve much more than anything. Beware of passing loves… they usually leave painful marks that do not go away… Beware of invaders of your body… they usually do not come back to help fix the disorder… Beware of the looks of those who do not know how to love you… they usually make you forget that you are worth it… Beware of the lying words they spread around… they usually spoil our reference to the truth… Beware of the voices that insist on reminding you of your defects… they usually harm your view of yourself. Do not be afraid to look at yourself in the mirror. It is in this cheeky face that you have that God decided to express once again, the love He has for the world. Do not be discouraged by you, even if today’s harvest is not very happy. Do not put a period on your hopes. There is still much to do, there is still much to plant, and much to love in this life. Instead of standing still in what you did wrong, look ahead, and see what can still be done… Life has not ended yet. And as the poet said ‘dreams do not age.’ Go ahead. Smile on your face and firmness in decisions….” (Father Fabio de Melo)

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager of a large company in the IT and Telecom market. Since then, I have been involved in major projects structuring, implementing, and optimizing telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind. Since then, I have become a professional passionate about unraveling the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. A Ph.D. in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral Development & Human Organization. With a broad career, I highlight my roles as:

• Master Senior Coach & Trainer: I guide my clients in pursuit of goals and personal and professional development, providing extraordinary results. • Chief Happiness Officer (CHO): I promote an organizational culture of happiness and well-being, boosting productivity and employee engagement. • Expert in Language & Behavioral Development: I enhance communication and self-knowledge skills, empowering individuals to face challenges with resilience. • Cognitive Behavioral Therapist: I use cutting-edge cognitive-behavioral therapy to assist in overcoming obstacles and achieving a balanced mind. • Speaker, Professor, Writer, and Researcher: I share valuable knowledge and insights in events, training, and publications to inspire positive changes. • Consultant & Mentor: My experience in leadership and project management allows me to identify growth opportunities and propose personalized strategies.

My solid academic background includes four post-graduate degrees and a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, as well as international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, lectures, and published articles.

Co-author of the book “The Secret of Coaching” and author of “The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You” and “The Society of Diet” (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporaneity – 09/2023).

Allow me to be your partner in this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will unravel a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.

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