CONFLICTS – HOW TO MINIMIZE THEM IN YOUR COMPANY

It is very common in companies for people to hesitate to acknowledge and understand internal conflicts, whether with a colleague, someone on the team, another department, or even with the boss. Of course, this happens everywhere and is often normal; it can even be beneficial for everyone’s development. However, it can become a problem, especially when those involved prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine, without taking steps to resolve such misunderstandings. What could be a positive, enriching situation, resolved in an intelligent and conscious manner, turns into a real trap. Illusions arise, and what could have been a simple disagreement over ideas transforms into a maelstrom of personal intrigues.
I know many will say that not all conflicts are negative and that they are almost always necessary. It is true that conflicts represent the clash of harmonious balance. This might seem paradoxical, but it is real. It is within differences that we find better solutions, the ethical pursuit of improved communion moving toward the greater good of all. With it, everyone benefits. Conflicts are the ultimate expression of freedom of opinions, exchange of ideas, and the discovery of creative and innovative means. It stimulates integration among people. Conflicts reveal problems that were previously unnoticed and often represent the most effective solution to minimize future grievances.

When does conflict cease to be positive?

The problem arises when there is no consistent awareness of the facts or when there is no efficient management to handle these conflicting discrepancies. What could be the foundation for noble development of harmony transforms into a disastrous battle, fueling criticism, judgment, and exacerbating disrespect among everyone.
It is true that there can be numerous reasons influencing the rupture of harmonious balance, many of which are caused by external forces within the environment that act continuously upon us and are often only visible when the tragedy has already occurred. There is no shortage of fuel for this, such as unclear roles within organizations, individualistic policies, lack of structure, scarcity of resources, and the absence or inadequacy of ethical guidelines.
Another significant motivator for this disharmony is change, especially when imposed forcefully. Yes, change! It may not seem like it, but many conflicts I have had to work on were due to changes. Changes can represent the basic foundation for disharmony among people. This is because all changes, when not properly managed, generate fear. Of course, well-executed, planned, and guided changes have a much higher chance of success and almost always bring gains, but they still influence conflicts. After all, it is true that with every gain, there are losses. And not everyone wants to lose something. Change requires stepping out of the comfort zone, breaking paradigms, letting go of habits, seeking new ways of thinking and acting, moving, relearning, re-educating, and so on. Many changes can expose vulnerabilities and limits, and often leave people feeling vulnerable. When not matured, vulnerability can lead to anxiety and fear.
Conflicts are almost always triggered by the disharmony of three forces that act upon us. We are constantly influenced by three forces directly related to our behavior. These are internal forces, which are factors residing both in our minds and hearts, existing by the very nature of being human; relational forces, which characterize our relationships and interactions with others; and external forces, which are factors defining the context in which we operate and make decisions. The lack of awareness and constant blindness to these forces disrupts their balance and affects our relationships. We lose the ability to perceive who we are, where we are, and where we are going. The fact is that recognizing these forces is not simple; it requires a lot from us, especially the ability to understand that to find balance, there is a marked need to recognize that we are vulnerable to life.
Thus, the interplay of these forces directly impacts our conduct in daily life, establishing a concise link in the matrix of our relational behaviors within the emotional and feeling dichotomy, reacting to personal points such as self-esteem, limiting beliefs, fear, honesty, deceit, authority, freedom, trust, competition, ambition, greed, anxiety, frustration, health, personal problems, stress, among many others.
There is a unique relationship between the balance of these forces and all conflicts. Their absence represents the major cause of all misunderstandings in relationships, as well as their improvement would resolve almost all of them, and this is called Communication.
My long experience in leadership and projects has undoubtedly shown that in almost all my work as a conflict management consultant, it is related to communication, or rather, the lack of it.
One thing I have learned over the years is that if someone wants to destroy our reputation and credibility, ruin relationships, and gain an advantage over us, all they need to do is create emotional imbalance, keeping us nervous enough to lose control in our communication. It is no coincidence that we are living in such a dissonant, backward, and stressful time. The fact is, it couldn’t be otherwise. In an increasingly impatient world, we are so automatic and individualistic that we witness our inability to relate to people. Worse, we have become accustomed to not listening to others and even to ourselves.

So, the question remains: If we are losing the ability to communicate, how then will we relate within organizations?

It is no different within companies. In almost all cases, internal conflicts persist and expand simply because people no longer know how to communicate. Human behavior is intrinsically related to the environment in which it is situated, governed by the three forces described, which are represented and developed in the way we relate, through constant exchange of affections. Just as we affect others, we are also affected in a constant exchange of shared emotions and feelings. In other words, we communicate continuously, or rather, we stop communicating only when we die. Communication is systematically carried out through language, resulting from our affections. It is through language that we express all our feelings and emotions, consciously and unconsciously. Lack of clarity and conscious use of language often leads the other person to interpret it incorrectly, and from the emotions generated, feelings arise, which then lead to conflicts, often entirely unnecessary.
In summary, the improvement of human behavior is due to the primacy of the way each of us relates, and thus communicates, with clarity in our interpretations of language. In its absence, we automatically minimize cognitive abilities, interpreting emotions and feelings through our beliefs and past experiences, forming our mental models: omitting, distorting, constructing, and generalizing in every relationship. It is important to understand these mental models, which can be briefly represented as:

• Omission: Selecting and filtering the experience, blocking out some parts. When we are faced with something we do not understand or do not want to understand, our brain simplifies thought formation, providing a justifiable meaning based on our experiences.

• Distortion: Twisting the experience, seeing different meanings in it. We experience each moment of our lives according to what makes sense to us based on our experiences, and we are able to maneuver and adjust our internal representations, distorting and changing reality.

• Construction: Creating something that isn’t there. Construction is the ability of our mind to filter information and generate a new reality for it, working on internal simulated elements. In practice, we are distorting the fact, creating another perspective, altering reality, being completely subjective to our convenience. We can then term this as an illusion.

• Generalization: One experience comes to represent an entire group of experiences. Through the process of generalization, our mind enters an automatic process, absorbing habits and becoming resistant to change. Its goal is to facilitate and streamline daily life, allowing us to add knowledge from what already exists. Our beliefs, phobias, fears are examples formed by unconscious generalizations of experiences that have become a truth for us, but not necessarily true for others.

We are different, unique, exclusive beings. We think, create, desire, act, reflect, […] in a singular way for each person. At the same time, we are constantly Omitting, Distorting, Constructing, and Generalizing. Now multiply this by a world represented by stress, immediacy, demands, socioeconomic problems, violence, and everything that makes our world filled with frenetic activity that interacts constantly. We do not have time to be ourselves. If we do not know how to relate, starting with ourselves, and do not improve our ability to communicate, there is truly no other way but to act on the most primitive instincts, and everything will end in constant battles.

It is better to be cut with a sword than to endure the insult from someone I once admired. “Marcello de Souza”

So how can we minimize and avoid conflicts turning into relational tragedies?

The fact is that there are no universal criteria that can answer every conflict. Therefore, it should be clear that there is no single possibility in life for manuals to interpret each of our unique aspects. Understanding this, we can realize that we are desiring beings, with desires unique to each one. We live in a constant search for our desires, which are our life’s motivators. Thus, existential confrontations arise, caused by greed, interests, ego, and motivations from different perspectives on something.
In light of everything we have discussed so far, today we will discuss five steps that I believe are important to effectively minimize negative conflicts and improve the quality of our relationships, generating harmony and increasing the productivity of each one:
The first important step is to understand that we must be aware that there is no space in the world to meet all opinions, wants, and desires. Therefore, it is essential, first of all, to understand and differentiate Ethics in Relationships. After all, life’s reference is in ourselves, in how we present ourselves and how we relate. Life is in relationships as a primary condition for living better.
What lies behind each manifestation, what are the true reasons? If we do not know how to handle this, it clearly turns into something much more serious and unnecessary, and almost always starts with the simple fact that neither side initially knows how to listen to themselves and much less what the other is saying. After all, communication is not just about speaking, expressing oneself, mastering verbal and non-verbal language, but also about listening, indeed listening more than speaking. And it is not just about listening to the other, but developing the skill to listen to oneself, the inner voice, in deep silence to self-understand.
Understand the importance of this. Relationships between people generate expectations. It is in how we behave where we define what the other can expect from us. It is through our behavior that we define who we are, as well as represent our choices regarding what we are capable of doing and not doing. In other words, we are in constant relationship with the world, communicating continuously. Therefore, Ethics in Relationships is precisely about understanding the responsibility of how we present ourselves to the world, where we observe and are observed, acting and reacting, informing the world of the limits and extent of our own morality.
The fact is that our relational manifestations are the basis that allows everyone to build an idea of the set of principles that are part of us and that will be represented in our conduct, and that a certain practical coherence can be expected in the following of our relationship.
The awareness of how we present ourselves to the world, the perception of how we manifest ourselves in our relationships allows the other to decide whether or not to maintain this link between us, not by ethics, but by each individual’s moral factors which may or may not be consistent.
By acting this way, we have a great chance of being met with greater harmony, since the first condition of freedom is precisely being open to define our conduct and communicate our own criteria of morality. In obligation, at the end of the freedom to express who we are, we would lose the chance to present ourselves as we truly are and become victims of the imposed criteria by the imbalance of the forces acting upon us. The fact is that if there is no freedom in relationships, there will also be no morality.
There is another important point that we must always consider in Ethics of Relationships. Every relationship must always have a clear and transparent objective, giving everyone the freedom of choice. In the ethics of relationships, it is necessary to understand that it is in each person’s moral choices, the awareness of the constant burden we have to carry, after all, in all the choices we make in life, we must have the vital understanding that we will leave many other desired but postponed experiences un-lived.
All relationships involve affections, and the world affects us continuously, transforming us. It is also true that the reverse is also true; after all, we affect the world and it is never the same as the previous moment. Therefore, life and our relationships require a constant update because there will always be new clauses in this moral contract we establish for ourselves.

“The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in ideas of guilt and judgment.” Rosenberg, Marshall B.

The second important step is to develop the skill of administering Psychological Distance. It is to know that almost every time we are in some type of discussion, immersed in some kind of conflict, we easily lose the balance of the forces acting upon us and thus lose control of our emotions. Embedded in our emotions are our thoughts and feelings. In the absence of clarity, an incorrect interpretation of the message quickly turns into disharmony. When we are legitimately angry, we then want to express it through language. This problem increases in those who have been suffocated by this feeling for a long time, enduring it silently against attacks and behavioral aggressions from others. When a person is in this situation, they rarely or never manage to free themselves from this pressure, being fed even by small details that in many circumstances have no relevance to them. Turning that anguish into part of all personal problems.
To work with this situation, we must learn to perceive what is actually happening. The more focus is pointed at the situation we are directly involved in, the greater the possibility of not being able to assess it properly, losing the chance to make a good decision. But this is not easy. It is not simple to move from the status quo and change the way of seeing and perceiving the same problem.
The best solution for this moment lies in the constant practice of Psychological Distance. In other words, it is necessary to change the way of observing. Sometimes knowing how to control the distance from the problem can allow generating new perspectives. Becoming less self-centered. Not reacting purely with emotion, but bringing to consciousness what that represents to us from other perspectives and why it necessarily has so much meaning. We must initially remember that other people’s behavior can certainly incite our feelings, but it is almost never the reason and the motive.
Behind all our feelings is the perception of the world through our eyes; in other words, we relate to the world according to our lived experiences, in our individual mental models as previously described. What makes sense to one person may be completely different for us. We are unique beings just as our thoughts and perception of the world are. Therefore, we often react to things that we recognize within ourselves as vulnerabilities that we do not accept due to fear and our own limiting beliefs, which fuel our own guilt. Make no mistake, what we feel results from our own choices and represents exactly how we wish to receive what is expressed by others.
The third important and fundamental step is to work on Self-Criticism about ourselves. We must first understand what is effectively stimulating that bad feeling within us and what is truly causing the emerging conflict, distinguishing between what stimulates and what causes. If we engage in Self-Criticism about ourselves and many of the conflicts we have been a part of, it becomes apparent how much we dissimulate. How much of us tried to blame others for our own feelings. We deceive ourselves all the time and always forget that it is not the other who is to blame for who we are and much less for our own actions. In this blindness, we often act unconsciously, without realizing it, being oppressive and at times trying to dominate to hide our own weaknesses.
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg says in his book that “[…] whenever we are in a discussion, making it confrontational, we react emotionally, losing control, and lacking awareness, bringing irrationality into the situation. Anger is generated when we choose the second option: whenever we are angry, we are judging someone as guilty — we choose to play God, judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment. I would suggest that this is the cause of anger. Even if we are not initially aware of it, the cause of anger is located in our own thinking.”
The fourth important and fundamental step is to develop the sensitivity to accept and practice our Vulnerability. This is because when open to vulnerability, we can rarely avoid achieving an Empathetic state in our relationships. In these rare situations, we are truly connected with the other. By allowing our vulnerability, we are also allowing our transparency with life. We become willing to recognize our own values and those of others. We become open to experiencing the new. Capable of peeling away layers inherited from our own history, from our ego, to become freer, open to exposing ourselves, expressing ourselves authentically and frankly, accepting chance as part of life. Without judging, without criticizing. Maintaining within ourselves a higher purpose, the will to live life and not wait for a day to live. Recognizing that we are far from perfect, but being aware that we are perfectible, and striving for constant excellence.
This is because in our interactions with others, Empathy is part of our Vulnerability and occurs only when we manage to rid ourselves of all preconceived ideas and judgments about it. It requires a reaction that cannot be prepared in advance; here vulnerability makes sense. It does not require anything from the past; it requires presence, responsibility; it requires us in the now. Then, we are ready to perceive that there is always an important message behind a rude attitude, an aggressive or intimidating conversation. Only Empathetic people have the sensitivity to perceive that, in other words, those who attack, hurt, and offend others are, at their core, speaking from their own pain. Much of what bothers, irritates, reveals a lot about ourselves and very little about the other. Rosenberg says that almost always, “underneath all these messages that we allow to intimidate us are simple individuals with unmet needs asking us to contribute to their well-being.”
Therefore, the Power of Vulnerability represents one of the most important virtues we can expand and develop; it is directly related to social behavior. It reflects on the quality of our relationships, impacting directly on our well-being, and our success in both personal and professional life. It is the essential foundation for the skill so necessary in our attitudes towards the conflicts we are constantly exposed to in our daily lives.
The fifth important and fundamental step is to develop the art of Persuasion. Persuasion is much more than inducing people to your desires; on the contrary, it is capable of generating voluntary compliance. You cannot just order because you hold a certain role of authority. You must make it happen. Great communicators understand this, and with this knowledge, they make a difference. They somehow lead people to do not only what they want them to do but to want to do it. We can say that there are two fundamental points to developing the art of Persuasion and thus achieving voluntary compliance:

The first important point in a Persuasion process and the most important is to live in the present. In other words, it is to be truly present in every relationship. Here, it is actually a summary of everything we have discussed so far. After all, the way you present yourself, associate, move, gesture, speak, even the way you demonstrate your emotions through expressions, is crucial. This is because the mind and body are one, and what you think is what you express, and the way you express it is the way you will think. Only when we are present do we effectively perceive the message we are transmitting. I teach this in my training on the importance of professional presence, how it represents and how it fits into your relationships. And it makes people transform the way they interact with others; that is, you need to adapt both verbal and non-verbal language to express yourself correctly. There is a better expression to calm someone, another to show interest, another to show concern, and another when someone is trying to intimidate you. We all use dozens of expressions every day. Which one will you use when determining the success you are having in generating voluntary compliance?
A great example of the skill to express oneself according to one’s needs without losing authenticity is the chameleon. The chameleon is a good representation of an effective communicator due to its ability to adapt to the environment.
Just as the chameleon changes colors to blend in, you should know how to express yourself congruently with the situations you find yourself in. The chameleon survives because it adapts. Each of us will survive based on our ability to persuade, hence the need for adaptation, and this ability is internally related to our present emotional control. After all, it has to do with congruence that reinforces and generates trust between what you are saying with the expressions and the attitude that fits the situation. This is almost never taught.
When you enter a company and ask the manager what they consider to be the best action as a first step in a relationship crisis between employees, they usually tell me it is dialogue. It is not true. It is our overall presence, it is knowing how to listen first, fully, without judgment, without truths, without criticism, being open to observing what is behind each word spoken. You must look at all the parts that make up the whole. Establish harmony, adapt to the moment, express authentically, to generate Rapport and thus Empathy, thereby achieving voluntary compliance.
The second important point in a Persuasion process is in verbalization, or rather, in the right words for the right person at the right time. Our words have the power to create and the power to destroy. The problems often lie not in disagreements and differences of opinion, but in the words used, in the way they are presented, understood, and what they really represent to us. Specifically, one of the greatest secrets to a relationship is clarity, helping people see what we want them to see.

“The word is free, action changes, obedience is blind.” Friedrich Schiller

Remember this: We might believe we will forget a discussion, a disagreement, a conflict, but ask someone 10 or 20 years later if they remember our unpleasant words, our verbal attacks. We have a great chance of hearing a YES, that they remember every word we said. People never forget verbal offenses. They deepen, alienate, and prolong more than any other type of offense.
It is easy to understand this; just recall childhood memories when we were humiliated by teachers, friends, or peers. Did you forget them? So why would it be different in a work environment?
Words are a reflection of our morals. They come from our emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and they possess immense power, both to foster a healthy, harmonious, and happy interaction and to wound and destroy relationships. Most of the time, we do not truly measure the impact that a word can have. We often verbalize without being present, going on autopilot and not listening to what we say. As a result, we do not perceive what we say, let alone the consequences generated by a wrong or misinterpreted word. With words, we can hurt someone, attack them, wound and offend, thus affecting relationships, well-being, and the harmonious coexistence of relationships. This can be exacerbated when we are under pressure. Most of us do not communicate skillfully under pressure, but our careers depend on it. Therefore, it is necessary to develop Emotional Intelligence, to have control and to know how to breathe enough so that our thoughts are not influenced by the imbalance of the forces that are constantly acting upon us.

“What you are going to say, before saying it to another person, say to yourself.” SENECA

Finally, there are many ways we can positively explore conflicts. Here, I have presented just a few reflections that allow us to understand that conflicts can be managed and represent the competence and potential of each individual, the best that each person can have within themselves. Often, harmonious environments can be a reflection of mediocre people, who almost always settle and create a false atmosphere of balance and productivity. It is in understanding the conflicts between the parties involved that the possibility of great opportunities for growth and maturity emerges. But it is also true that many of the impediments to controlling the state of disarmony and minimizing it in a sustainable way, without harming communication and maintaining control over conflicts, lie in changing the mentality of the companies themselves, especially those that only look at their graphs and spreadsheets, believing that within the company what matters are only profits, goals, sales, in short, managing solely by financial results. In daily life, this constant tension for results overshadows the higher priority, which is the quality and responsibility of dealing with people.
Therefore, we cannot forget that in life, we are all unique. And it is not just material issues that can represent our triumphs and power. We must understand that communication must be a right for everyone, that people have different legitimacies to speak. The problem is that it is not always like this; each person is differently authorized to express themselves. We lose a great opportunity to transform business into something much greater.
What is found today in any space is that there are those who, before speaking, are already applauded, because what is applauded is not necessarily the content of the person and what they will say. The social value of the speech is not in what is said, but in the social position occupied by the speaker. And that is why some can say anything while others, who find themselves in the rejection zone, are not allowed to speak because they are not in the appropriate social conditions to be heard; these participants are part of the great social contract as spectators. And they are almost always victims of the system and suffer severe consequences with conflicts because they are rarely heard.
Knowing how to manage conflicts goes far beyond power, status, and corporate jargon. It is not enough to let people speak, to allow expression, to display the company’s values on T-shirts, at social gatherings, at self-help and motivational events. It is not enough to put up signs saying that everyone is a team and everyone belongs to a union.
To resolve internal conflicts nobly, it is not enough with all the typical organizational communication initiatives to make people believe in a family, because even a family is a highly structured and hierarchical space with marked social inequalities for any expression; within any family, there are conflicts, many of which are devastating. Until each manager assumes their role and responsibility for the quality of the organizational climate, stepping out of their comfort zone and taking the lead in relationships, allowing the establishment of a culture of ethics in relationships, through effective, open, and respectful communication, encouraging each individual’s moral principle, we will continue to face disharmonious, conflicting, and sabotaging encounters, where silence and fear can often be overwhelming.
Amidst business goals and objectives, taking care of people should not be a burden. On the contrary, the better the quality of the environment through new ethical guidelines and practices, the more these barriers will be reduced and the easier it will be to manage and enhance each person’s competence. Effective management will only be consolidated when the manager encourages relationships and spends most of their time with their team communicating and fostering this, rather than executing daily activities, as almost everyone still does.

Did you enjoy this article? 🌟
Thank you for following another exclusive post by Marcello de Souza on human behavior!
Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! My journey began in 1997 as a leader and manager at a large IT and Telecom company. Since then, I have led significant network structuring and optimization projects in Brazil. Driven by a curiosity and passion for behavioral and social psychology, I delved into the fascinating world of the human mind in 2008.
Today, I am a professional dedicated to uncovering the secrets of human behavior and driving positive change in individuals and organizations. With a Ph.D. in Social Psychology and over 27 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Organizational Human Development, my career spans various areas:
• As a Senior Master Coach & Trainer, I help my clients achieve personal and professional goals, generating extraordinary results.
• As a Chief Happiness Officer (CHO), I cultivate an organizational culture of happiness and well-being, enhancing productivity and team engagement.
• As an Expert in Language & Behavioral Development, I refine communication and self-awareness skills, empowering individuals to face challenges with resilience.
• As a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, I use advanced techniques to overcome obstacles and promote a balanced mind.
• As a Speaker, Professor, Writer, and Researcher, I share valuable insights at events, trainings, and publications, inspiring positive change.
• As a Consultant & Mentor, my experience in leadership and project management allows me to identify growth opportunities and propose personalized strategies.
My strong academic background includes four postgraduate degrees and a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, as well as international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. I am a co-author of the book “The Secret of Coaching” and the author of “The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You” and “The Diet Society” (the first of a trilogy on contemporary human behavior – 09/2023).
Allow me to be your partner on this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will uncover a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results. I invite you to be part of my network! As a lover of behavioral psychology, social psychology, and neuroscience, I have created a YouTube channel to share my passion for cognitive behavioral development.
All data and content in this article or video are exclusive, based on philosophical concepts and proven scientific studies, to ensure the best content for you.
Don’t forget to:
• Leave your comment
• Share with friends
• Subscribe to the official Marcello de Souza YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@marcellodesouza_oficial
• Visit the official website: www.coachingevoce.com.br / www.marcellodesouza.com
• Visit my blog: www.marcellodesouza.com.br
• Check out the latest book: https://www.marcellodesouza.com.br/o-mapa-nao-e-o-territorio-o-territorio-e-voce/
• Commercial Contact: comercial@coachingevoce.com.br
• Write to me at: R. Antônio Lapa, 280 – Sixth Floor – Cambuí, Campinas – SP, 13025-240
Connect with me on social media:
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/marcellodesouzaoficial/
• Instagram: @marcellodesouza_oficial
• Instagram: @coachingevoce
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/encontraroseumelhor/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachingevoce.com.br/
Be a VIP List subscriber to receive exclusive weekly articles authored by me: contato@marcellodesouza.com.br
Portfolio: https://linktr.ee/marcellodesouza
Presentation and adaptation: Marcello de Souza

#IdentidadeEmTransformação #IlusãoDoFimDaHistória #CrescimentoPessoal #Autoilusão #MudançaConstante #Autodescoberta #TransformaçãoInterior #CoragemParaCrescer #LiberteSeuPotencial #InspiraçãoParaViver #AceiteSuasImperfeições #CaminhoDaAutenticidade #ConexõesSignificativas #HumanidadeEmEvolução #GratidãoPelaJornada #marcellodesouza #coaching #terapia #terapiacognitivacomportamental #encontreseumelhor