DIALOGUE – THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BEING (THE IMPORTANCE OF TALKING WITH, NOT AT, OTHERS)

While there is much talk about sociability, teamwork, cooperation, and relational coexistence, it’s evident that there has never been a time in history where individualism is so highly privileged, marked by organizations emphasizing individual results at any cost. People are becoming increasingly robotic, apathetic, disconnected from themselves, suffocated by an environment that inhibits the expression of their own identity, values, and authenticity.

History demonstrates that the only possibility for humanity to progress is through shared relational moments facilitated by dialogue, the essence of human socialization. First championed by Socrates and later by Plato, dialogue is the process of seeking truth. The Greek philosopher Plato believed that dialogue was the only way to discover one’s own soul, with all the valuable and magnificent aspects each person possesses.

It becomes clear that without another person to engage in dialogue, there is no discussion, hindering thought processes. Without thinking, ignorance prevails, a fundamental mark of social slavery. Human evolution is intertwined with the wisdom that exists in relationships between people. Genuine dialogue, not mere idle conversation, begins with mutual appreciation. Words signify the free flow of ideas, the inherent capacity of each person’s cognitive and emotional intelligence. It prompts a reconsideration of the type of intelligence sought and the values normalized among people.

In the early days of human philosophy, Plato believed that the soul already possessed inherent knowledge, and individuals were born with all the wisdom necessary for life. For him, wisdom was intrinsic to each person, not sought in the external world for absolute truths but within oneself through introspection. Plato asserted that knowledge was based on the exploration of what lies within the soul and, to achieve this, cooperative coexistence among people was essential. He contended that only through this union could thoughts and ideas be clarified, and the value each person has to offer and receive be realized. Plato believed that dialogue was the fundamental principle for human development.

Perhaps this is the most opportune moment to reflect on Platonic fundamentals, considering the need for dialogue and the repercussions of its absence in society. It’s evident that genuine dialogue leads to perceptions and the necessity to enhance cognitive and emotional intelligence. When authentic, empathetic dialogue is established, individuals actively contribute to harmonious coexistence. Each person feels obligated to listen, observe, and reason about proposed ideas, creating a viewpoint and fostering the internal potentialization of wisdom found in a discussion. Without dialogue, the mind cannot surpass limits, create, innovate, or see beyond the world observed merely by the eyes, diminishing any possibility of transcending other vicissitudes, becoming eloquent in life and with people. Dialogue is the evolutionary foundation, a systematic exchange of individual knowledge.

The challenge is to understand that, above all, true self-perception happens through dialogue. You can converse, have discussions, pleasant chats, or conversations, but true dialogue requires a genuine emotional state. Without a genuine understanding of yourself—your life story, likes and principles, feelings, and knowledge—you do not truly exist; you are merely a name, a position, an appearance.

It is crucial to realize that dialogue allows others to comprehend your thoughts, making your life’s journey clear. It stimulates the best within your soul, fostering motivating emotions, generating an internal drive essential for life’s intelligence and strategy. Therefore, it is understood that misunderstanding others is not due to their lack of intelligence but rather the lack of clarity in their own thoughts. Engaging in dialogue without comprehending what perpetuates ideas, thoughts, and feelings is futile. Genuine self-awareness or a true relationship cannot be established without clarity and the implicit purpose of shared reflections, generating sincere empathy between individuals.

To understand how dialogue is the foundation of life, it is necessary to comprehend the human mind and its relationship with empathy. Goleman (2011) states that the human brain is designed for face-to-face social interactions, in effective dialogue with empathy, requiring the sense of another person’s presence in the unconscious relational context. Tania Singer, Cognitive Neuroscience at the Max Planck Institute in Germany, notes an essential survival function related to empathy. When one person has empathy for another, the human brain automatically mirrors, imitating within itself the state of that person. She considers that the foundation for reading emotions in others means, on a cerebral level, reading these emotions within oneself. “Mindsight” is the term used by Dr. Daniel Siegel, director of the Mindsight Institute at UCLA (University of California, Los Angeles), for the mind’s ability to see itself. In his remarkable work, he builds a consistent case that the brain circuit used for self-control and self-awareness is largely identical to that used to understand another person.

It can be said that awareness of another person’s internal reality and one’s own, in a certain sense, are both acts of this empathic dialogue; this emotional relationship involves behavioral language and is part of a social evolutionary process. This evolutionary process begins with this silent dialogue that takes place unconsciously. The mind constantly interacts, interpreting emotions, feelings, gestures, expressions, and words.

Within the concepts of emotional intelligence, it is often said that intelligence has at least three basic principles:

– Diversity: The way of thinking is related to human interaction. Exchanging ideas between people is the only way to transform life experiences into wisdom. It is only possible to develop new thoughts, diversify the way of seeing life when you see, feel, speak, and hear another person.

– Dynamism of Intelligence: There is an interaction in the human brain that allows the creation of processes of original ideas that effectively possess values, manifested only through interactions, based on different ways of seeing things from each person.

– Exclusivity: The characteristic of intelligence is to be unique and exclusive to each human being, influencing the knowledge that the individual has learned through experience and integrated into their knowledge bank. This practical knowledge is often influenced by the context in which it was learned.

There is a social misconception that speaking consists of uttering words to others. However, the opposite is true when it comes to genuine dialogue. In these interactions, you invite people into your world, into your mind, and into your heart. But often, numbed by the daily grind, absent from their essence, detached from their emotional connection, many end up being prisoners of not recognizing their own moral virtues, fading the social ethical foundations. According to Goleman (2011), this means that through dialogue, each person becomes constantly impacted by the cerebral states of another person. This implies that everyone is responsible for shaping the feelings of those they interact with. The responsibility contained in each person’s actions is immeasurably huge when one understands that people influence and are influenced by the thoughts and attitudes of others. A truly empathetic interaction makes thoughts collective, not individual.

Kahneman (2011), a theorist in behavioral finance, which combines economics with cognitive science to explain the seemingly irrational behavior of risk management by humans, draws attention to the serious difference between talking with and talking at others. It is a fundamental point in society that few perceive. Dialogue is only possible when speaking with others because that’s how people grow, develop, interact, exchange ideas, and opinions. In this sense, when people cease to engage in dialogue, speaking at others, the imposition of words and thoughts without considering the thoughts of the listener emerges—simply conveying their prejudices and beliefs embedded in their opinions without even questioning them. And this can make all the difference. Kahneman (2011) explains that neurologically, when a person is not consciously connected to the moment, the associations of the first impression of the words heard represent the composition of thought, and everything else said is discarded, and an emotionally unconscious decision is made. From there, one hears and sees what they want to see, or rather, what the other wants them to see. The brain has already anticipated this decision based on the initial empathy. Therefore, in this current world where people spend much of their lives on autopilot, they become easily influenced. In this case, knowing how to use conversation with gestures, expressions, choosing the location, clothing, aroma, food—in short, the correct verbal and non-verbal language—can make all the difference in choosing a candidate, closing a deal, buying a car, or in the credits granted to a person.

When allowed to be on autopilot, without bothering to engage in dialogue, one becomes guided and it can mean the beginning or the end of a relationship or even a business. Proof of this is when people cross their day-to-day lives, and even if not intentional, automatically the human brain compares and judges without even realizing it. In fractions of seconds, the brain has already decided about the person, generated thoughts, created a feeling, and judged the characteristics that make individual sense, such as intelligent, happy, friendly, etc. Kahneman (2011) concludes that it is impressive how increasingly life is commanded by the unconscious—by a “machine” that decides more than 90% of daily commands without people realizing it, being absorbed by the dominant environment, robotizing behaviors, thoughts, decisions, and relationships.

Sawaf & Cooper (1997) observe that there is a great lack of authenticity among people in the world. It has become so rare that today it is an admired and desired quality among leaders, being a natural extension of self-confidence, personal power, and the foundation of the fundamental characteristic of emotional intelligence, which stimulates the development of intellectual and cognitive abilities—an energy that provides the feeling of having done something useful. This energy is essentially a silent sphere that emanates not only from the mind and physical strength but also from the heart—constantly communicating the emotional truth about who you really are, deep down, and what you stand for, what you believe in, through which you bring the best of yourself to listen, dialogue, and establish the foundation to build trust and openness to change and creative risk.

Jay Conger, a professor at Harvard Business School, argues that leaders who accumulate more resources for the future are those who increase their expressive capacity to dialogue authentically—a key ingredient for determination, persuasion, and inspiration. This is demonstrated in studies showing that leaders with enhanced emotional capacity do not hide their feelings, even without fears, anxieties, and sufferings. The significant misconception that still prevails is that the purpose of leadership is not to listen and serve but to gain power and privilege. But, in reality, what matters is the integrity of the commitment to dialogue. The ability to lead people is related to the circumstances of the moment, the instant, and the need, therefore, it is related to dialogue. True leaders inspire, motivate, and animate ideas in people.

Sawaf & Cooper (1997) emphasize that those who stand out in the world are those who have the capacity for expressive emotion, seek authentic dialogue, guide without humiliating, and correct without offending, without the need to display power. They openly admit and express themselves with the same crystal-clear clarity with which they talk about the weather and the time.

What is missing in all of this is the element of listening and a commitment to deep and genuine attention—with eyes open to see, a mind open to learn, and a heart open to feel. Sawaf & Cooper (1997) say that this is how we show respect for our interlocutor and for dialogue itself. This can be the most significant step some managers can take to increase productivity and innovation capacity. According to research, a manager spends an average of 94% of their time communicating, primarily listening and speaking, with interspersed writing activities. If you spend at least a quarter of your time communicating, then the ability to open up to frank dialogue is very important, allowing you to speak openly and with clarity and efficiency.

The courage to speak is truly a mark of a leader and helps a person gain the respect of others. Although some politicians and managers still pretend—and some manage to win elections and keep their jobs—people with authentic presence do not do such things. They feel as comfortable in silence as they do when speaking. And when they speak, they have something important to say—and they say it in a voice that emerges from the depths of their being.

Whether to lead or succeed, life demands a commitment to perceive and effectively understand what others feel and perceive beneath the surface, beneath the words. The development and transformation of the world will only be possible when dialogues prevail among people, in the authenticity of Being!

A true example of authenticity is how Tibetans greet each other and initiate a dialogue. Saway (1997) recalls the true authenticity of Being in Tibet, where there is such a great concern to establish authenticity that they use the word “tashi deley”—which was prohibited for years—to greet another person. Every dialogue begins with this word, which practically means that you are reverencing the greatness within the other person, consecrating the place in the heart where courage, honor, love, hope, and dreams reside. Honoring the place in the person where you also are, and vice versa, recognizing only one being. Tashi deley! This word itself has a responsibility of self-awareness. Tibetans believe that only in this way is it possible to offer something genuine to another person. When you greet another person at work, during your travels, and at home, what exactly do you feel? Do you look everyone in the eyes? Without saying a word, do you reverence the greatness in them, from your own greatness?

– Tashi deley!

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager of a large company in the IT and Telecom market. Since then, I have been involved in major projects structuring, implementing, and optimizing telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind. Since then, I have become a professional passionate about unraveling the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. A Ph.D. in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral Development & Human Organization. With a broad career, I highlight my roles as:

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