LEAVING THE COMFORT ZONE AND GOING WHERE?

Alasdair White, a British professor specializing in performance management, provides an excellent definition of the comfort zone in his book “From Comfort Zone to Performance Management.” He interprets the comfort zone as a series of actions, thoughts, and/or behaviors that a person is accustomed to and that do not evoke any fear, anxiety, or risk. In this condition, a person engages in a set of behaviors that provide consistent but limited performance, giving a sense of security. In other words, living within the comfort zone is a process of slowing down one’s own human growth, limiting the capacity for development, missing the opportunity to experience life and all it offers, and foregoing the chance to become better than one already is, to gain potency and find the joy of living, increasing not only the possibilities of discovery but also the ability to savor moments of happiness. The comfort zone enslaves. Living in the comfort zone blinds the individual, leaving them at the mercy of chance, devoid of hope in the sense of being.

All these relationships involving human comfort are issues that will indeed generate disharmony with the very sense of life and, at some point, reflect on the absence of the joy of living. The main issue is not the lack of understanding of what the comfort zone is and its complex consequences, but rather knowing the difference between living in the comfort zone and being in it. And this makes all the difference.

This slogan, present in almost everything, especially in motivational training, has made the phrase “you need to step out of your comfort zone” a fundamental basis of self-help and seems to serve as the answer to everything, presenting itself as the truth for the path of those seeking answers, aspiring to find their own happiness. Stepping out of the comfort zone is now synonymous with a happy life. And this article aims to reflect a bit more on this subject precisely because it is from there that things have become distorted, and the main sense of the idea has unraveled.

Stepping out of the comfort zone ceases to be decisive in life when it becomes a social imperative. It becomes imperative due to social impositions that living is a constant quest, with means dictating what choices individuals should make, in the face of the contradiction of the imperative condition of always being happy, being authentic, being yourself, being successful, being beautiful, having autonomy, and so on, following the constitutions of social rules. Having to be as a condition is very different from the ideal of wanting to be. It contradicts the very essence of human beings regarding the reality of oneself. The fact that the imposition of these rules proposed by such euphemisms becomes an existential paradox, and the insecurity of authenticity ends up imprisoning the person to certain norms that may not always make sense or have any real connection to personal desires.

Giving up the freedom to choose one’s own path makes individuals feel obligated to be recognized as complete, whole, carriers of certainties, masking their own virtues and the sense of being, as they are prevented from demonstrating their human condition of imperfections—the same imperfections that can serve as an incentive for the improvement of the human condition. They end up becoming someone who interprets their own imperfections as flaws, defects that must be corrected as a condition for acceptance. They move away from human plurality and enter the singularity of being as an individual. They cease to experience the present, and life becomes a constant anguish of choices and searches that will hardly represent their own preferences. Worse than being in the comfort zone is feeling frustrated for losing the authenticity of being who you are and doing what makes sense to yourself, not what others want from you.

The first symptom of this comfort zone ideology as presented today will soon point to the suffering of objective factors, such as having to develop a personal basis for enchantment or the intention to “appear happy,” “be dynamic,” “be in motion,” and “be productive,” without being able to present who you really are and what your true values are. Individuals become part of a proposed model and not of diversity, losing their sense of character and values. They are governed by discipline and do not recognize indiscipline and the freedom to experiment, to be in a moment of inertia with oneself. This excessive equalization of everyone as having the same sense of production exacerbates pluralistic insensitivity and hinders embarking on a singular journey of self-discovery. Because of this relationship with ideals of completeness and constant movement, they hinder learning from life and everything it encompasses, accepting it as it is, subject to the same imperatives that dictate their value based on their production and its correlation with the accumulation of wealth, success, or even power. Aspired goals with authoritarian imperatives that must be achieved—success is only achieved when goals are reached—lead individuals to not value what is imposed on them, causing life to cease being good, and they soon feel trapped in their comfort zone and the guilt that will soon dominate them.

This imperative of the comfort zone is mistakenly connected not only with production capacity but mainly with the consumption chain, which qualifies social relations. Social inclusion and exclusion are associated today with consumption, with the same prerogative given to economic qualification. Therefore, it is not surprising that the market tells you to leave your comfort zone, becoming a common reflection, superimposed on the real purpose, a requirement that converts the act of leaving the comfort zone into the accumulation of goods. What matters least is who you are, your relationships with the world, and your affections. Not being in the comfort zone is a sign of living happily, as described in this self-help universe. But unlike this misguided utopia, the world is much more complex than the ideological sense of understanding happiness with signs of prosperity in material possessions. At this point, a person transfers the pursuit of happiness from the desire to be happy to the field of ideals. Ideals relate to values, the best and highest aspirations, the direction we give to life, the foundation of what we seek, while desires are tangible individual interests, consciously capable of satisfying needs in a realistic perspective.

When ideals are traced with a vision of the future, it inevitably leads to anguish. This is because anguish is related to choices and future perspectives. It is a fact that a future decision cannot be made solely on the perspective of one’s current life production; however, the composition of the vision of the past and one’s future perspective is found in the present emotion. Therefore, the sense of ideal often serves as a guide for our journey and decisions. Affirmations that carry something of the order of the impossible, idealizing an impossible life becomes a constant pursuit since it is never ideal enough. If one lives under the imperative that the ideal is to leave the comfort zone, they end up following it like an autonomous soldier, but they are not, because the authoritarian sense contradicts the very concept of autonomy and consequently their own choices. Faced with this imperative, all answers to life end up being the imperative itself. As life is no longer about living but rather an infinite dynamic, the response to failure will always permeate one’s deepest feelings. They suffer because they feel genuinely unsuccessful, mainly because they did not meet the expectations of their own ideal. This is a very subtle difference between notions of the impossible, powerlessness, limits, and the true feeling of being capable. If suffering is related to the demand for recognition, this is a demand for recognition of impotence that cannot be validated, precisely because it is not a matter of importance in this case, but rather impossibility due to not being ideally perfect and like every human, having limits that cannot be surpassed.

Luc Ferry addresses in his book “What is a Successful Life?” how contemporary societies incite us to think of “success” in the manner of daydreaming. The dream of possession. Thus, values have become subjective over the centuries. For Ferry, it is the individual who must understand what a successful life is; they must judge according to their own values and reasons that bring happiness and the necessary income to live. The problem is freeing oneself from the world’s judgment, between individual needs and those that the world wants you to have. A practical example of this imperative divergence is proposed by Shirzad Chamine, who states in his book that most of his clients are in their mid-40s or early 50s. They show signs of some kind of midlife crisis. Ironically, the deepest crises are experienced by those who have achieved a greater number of goals they set out to achieve, people who did not stay in the comfort zone. These goals usually relate to financial achievements and reaching the peak of their profession. However, the crisis finally comes when they manage to achieve these long-sought goals and then realize that the promised happiness that was supposed to accompany them in this movement is nowhere to be found. At the core of the midlife crisis is the question: Is there still something more I can do to bring me the peace and happiness I have been seeking all these years? Will I be happy WHEN…

Shirzad still says that when you examine this paradox closely, you face a big question that you simply cannot BE just from the possessions conquered, living in the uninterrupted pursuit, as this pretext puts in a condition that happiness is interconnected with personal ambitions of WHEN you achieve your first million, WHEN you get promoted, WHEN you manage to be the president of your next company, WHEN you raise your children and send them to college, when you achieve retirement security, and so on. There is always the need for the pursuit, and your achievements are never enough, forgetting to enjoy the benevolence that each success can provide, the unique and exclusive moment of life, living in the present, making it possible to be happy when you allow yourself to be within your own comfort zone. This is because not living in the present, not feeling at least a bit comfortable with everything that life has already brought you, turns you into a moving target in the promise to be fulfilled. WHEN you achieve your first million, you will surely celebrate it, perhaps for a few minutes, days, only to later convince yourself that you cannot truly be happy unless you have the second country house, after all, you are as intelligent as others, and it’s only fair that you have one too, right? The HOW MUCH is disregarded as soon as it is about to be achieved. It is no wonder that millions of people die each year still waiting to achieve the last WHEN and without being able to recognize the HOW MUCH of their own attained values.

This constantly moving target, not being in your comfort zone, can become an illusion, a trap so to speak, like a key technique to ensure your eternal unhappiness, as your criteria for personal goals cease to be experiential, failing to take advantage and enjoy what you have already conquered, resulting in arbitrary relative comparisons: If someone has more, I must also have more! A complete reversal of values, and this liquid systematic is clearly observed in today’s everyday social imperative.

To overcome the pressures imposed by the current world, it is necessary to rely on your own values, and it is a fact that each person has their own values, always unique and exclusive and directly linked to the actions of choice defined during life, shaping who you are now. You are the representation of your values; therefore, your values represent your own story. Life choices become at every moment the need to choose the best path, a decision always difficult and distressing. The best means what is worth more, so there is no human life without value, and humans are born frantically in search of values, seeking what represents more value for themselves. Definitely, without value, there is no meaning to their human existence. However, there is an abyss in each one to find their values, what is worth more, and makes more sense. The doubt of finding this value hangs over each one, and it is only possible to attribute value if there is a comparison. You cannot say something is better or worse without referencing, or that it is worth more or less without knowing to recognize; you cannot know what is better or worse without a counterpoint to analyze.

Values are intrinsic to morality, and it is only possible to find the morality of life if there is maturity with the experiences lived and that somehow serve as a parameter to identify comparative alternatives of what makes more sense for oneself. Values give us the reference of life. In other words, living intensely makes it possible to experience more, which does not mean that always being out of the comfort zone is to have a greater awareness of one’s choices, because it is part of intense life, enjoying your own life to experience it and give it meaning at that moment you experienced it. If not like this, first, the anxiety of constant pursuit makes experiences shallow; second, many times you end up repeating the same things, but with different disguises simply because you can no longer recognize your own reason; and finally, it makes life a purposeless search and therefore, unhappy.

It is a fact that choosing your own path, in front of your own values, generates a feeling of fear and anguish, especially at this moment in human history when the motto is to leave this comfort zone.

“The tragedy is not how a man dies; the tragic part is what dies within a man while he is still alive” (Albert Schweitzer)

Today, it has become common to see people living by subjective rules imposed either by mega-trends or even by self-help books dictating patterns of social behavior, coercing with facts that have made a large part of current literature shallow, focused on presenting recipes claimed to be true, such as manuals to be happier, be the best leader, be the best boss, be the perfect husband, and so on, following the social normosis, giving credit only to some but, for the most part, leading to the loss of the unique essence of the human being found in their plurality. Life is full of challenges that only with the recognition of one’s own values, of one’s individual ability to identify why they exist, why they are in this moment here before the whole, can each person find the path to their own choices. If you are unable to give, love, wish well to others, it won’t matter in which zone you are with your own poverty of spirit. Rules are actually artifices that only serve to catch desperate, empty, and diminished individuals and give them a lifeline in the illusion until the next guru appears with placebos to deceive them with a cure. Instead of the aspirations of this imperative frenetic search to always leave the comfort zone, it is necessary first to reflect on who you are and what your choice criteria are. The Greeks were right in this regard when they claimed that each human being is part of something greater; the meaning of life is not in isolation but in each one’s participation in something much larger. And life is about being aware of how to participate in the universe called life. The whole only works with the synchrony of each one knowing how to participate within the best each one can be and by doing the best one can do, defining the quality of their own life and finding excellence, and there, at some point, encountering happiness.

“Life is too short to be small” (Benjamin Disraeli)

I hope you understand that what has been written here is not about giving reason or not to the comfort zone but about knowing how to value life and everything in it. To differentiate between living the life others want you to live or living your own life. It is about taking care from your own choices and being proud of what you have already conquered, of what is already yours while being aware of the purposes of your own life. Savor the present, long for the future, and strive for excellence. Give meaning to life and everything that is already in it. Leaving the comfort zone is in the awareness of the paths of your own values; being original in choices requires much from each one, but the reward is the clarity that in that moment you were happy.

Live your own life listening to your own voice. Happiness is not in what others want you to be based on their own interests but in BEING yourself in the best you can BE in the present. Happiness only exists in the present; happiness is not timeless. It is not in what you expect because the WHEN does not exist and even less in what already was, as nothing more will materialize from there. Therefore, remember that being part of life is to enjoy it with joy for what you have already conquered; being in the comfort zone is the conscious part of valuing oneself, but living in the comfort zone is the ultimate representation of an unhappy, dull, and diminished life without honoring the miracle it represents.

The reward of achieving excellence over your own desires is the opportunity to be closer to being happy (Marcello de Souza)

There is a very reflective passage from Amadeus Mozart. On the brink of death, he receives a letter from a 15-year-old fan from the Prague region who dreamed of composing. In it, the young man asks Mozart: “What does it take for me to compose an opera?” Mozart responds to the boy: “It’s not the time. You are too young to think about composing an opera. However, the indignant boy replies to Mozart: “Why do you say that, since you wrote your first piece at the age of 9?” And Mozart replies: “It’s true, but I didn’t ask anyone how I should do it.” With this passage, I leave here three important reflections that you should think about before rushing out of your comfort zone and tormenting yourself for the simple pleasure of living life:

Integration with life: Do not waste your time with the desires of others. Integrate your activity into your life, what is important to you and really makes sense. Often we do not stop to breathe and turn our lives into a constant cycle along the way, forgetting why we are doing what we are doing and why we follow the path we follow. The result is that we have a vague, imprecise view of what is really important to us. A representation of a life almost always paradoxical between achievements and existential emptiness.

Clarity in life: The second is to develop in yourself the habit of seeing the current reality more clearly. It is very common to see people in full movement but at the same time not progressing because they cannot see their movements and deceive themselves by thinking that everything is fine. Being on the way to something is very different from being in the right direction. More important than going out there looking for the way, set strategic meeting points, create visible milestones for yourself, so that at some moments you can recognize your trajectory, your values, your choices, building purposes facing the awareness that in life everything becomes easier when we are able to recognize everything we have been through to be here, giving meaning to the present, strengthening our relationship with the future. Even if we are aware that 50% of life is driven by chance, that the other 50% we have control to be the best we can be.

Experience life: Learning from life is very different from going through it. Learning is different from information. Learning has to do with the ability to produce the results we really want in life. Learning is generative for life. People who learn are those who experience, live, practice the act of living in the present of life. It is in the ability to experience life with our values, our ability to find new possibilities to live with more meaning and quality. It is experiences that distance us from ignorance and the slavery of the desire of others, the thought of others, or the life of others. Experience brings us closer to ideals, gives us power, joy to recognize that we are better at every moment of life. Experience is the only path that brings us closer to the excellence of living, to recognize at every moment that we are really capable of savoring the brief moments of happiness.

What good is traveling the world if it’s to be confined within beliefs that limit us? (Marcello de Souza)

Being inside or outside your comfort zone matters little if there is no purpose in life. Stepping out of the comfort zone will provide you with a specific destination, a possibility to get somewhere, but not necessarily to a truly desired future. This is because purpose is the fundamental basis that allows us to have a vision of what makes sense to us. Purpose is abstract. Vision is the concreteness of what effectively has coherence. Having the purpose of a successful professional life, for example, allows the vision of the challenges and experiences that you will have to develop along the journey. The hours of studying what will truly make sense to approach professional excellence and thus, achieve the purpose – Purpose is “being the best possible,” “excellence.” Vision is breaking the barrier of the comfort zone and dedicating oneself to studies.

It is true to say that nothing happens when you live inside the comfort zone except to keep everything as it already is, and what remains is waiting for Friday to come, waiting for vacations, waiting for the end of the year, living a lukewarm life, dull, at the mercy of chance. But it is also true to say that being in the comfort zone consciously can help us interpret life as it is and thus build a vision and an underlying sense of purpose. Therefore, remember that leaving the comfort zone is intrinsic, not relative. For it to make sense, it must be something you desire for its intrinsic value, not for the position or reference that is perpetuated in relation to others. Leaving the comfort zone in a relativistic way may be appropriate in some contexts, but it rarely leads you to greatness and excellence. There is also nothing wrong with savoring some moments of life in the inertia of choosing to simply be in the way that has been, as long as you are aware that it represents the possibility of connecting with yourself and helps, in some way, to recognize your affections, your relationships with the world. After all, sometimes we achieve what we determine as a vision, other times we don’t, but enabling the recognition of who we are brings us the sense of purpose that keeps us moving forward, that stimulates us to define a new vision. That’s why the lucidity to recognize who you really are should be a discipline. A process through which we must continuously highlight and re-highlight what we really want, what is our true vision.

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OBRIGADO POR LER E ASSISTIR MARCELLO DE SOUZA EM MAIS UMA PUBLICAÇÃO EXCLUSIVA SOBRE O COMPORTAMENTO HUMANO

 Olá, Sou Marcello de Souza!  Comecei minha carreira em 1997 como líder e gestor de uma grande empresa no mercado de TI e Telecom. Desde então atuou frente a grandes projetos de estruturação, implantação e otimização das redes de telecomunicações no Brasil. Inquieto e apaixonado pela psicologia comportamental e social. Em 2008 resolvi me aprofundar no universo da mente humana.

Desde então, tornei-me profissional apaixonado por desvendar os segredos do comportamento humano e catalisar mudanças positivas em indivíduos e organizações. Doutor em Psicologia Social, com mais de 25 anos de experiência em Desenvolvimento Cognitivo Comportamental & Humano Organizacional. Com uma ampla carreira, destaco minha atuação como:

•          Master Coach Sênior & Trainer: Oriento meus clientes em busca de metas e desenvolvimento pessoal e profissional, proporcionando resultados extraordinários.

•          Chief Happiness Officer (CHO): Promovo uma cultura organizacional de felicidade e bem-estar, impulsionando a produtividade e o engajamento dos colaboradores.

•          Expert em Linguagem & Desenvolvimento Comportamental: Potencializo habilidades de comunicação e autoconhecimento, capacitando indivíduos a enfrentar desafios com resiliência.

•          Terapeuta Cognitivo Comportamental: Utilizo terapia cognitivo comportamental de ponta para auxiliar na superação de obstáculos e no alcance de uma mente equilibrada.

•          Palestrante, Professor, Escritor e Pesquisador: Compartilho conhecimento e insights valiosos em eventos, treinamentos e publicações para inspirar mudanças positivas.

•          Consultor & Mentor: Minha experiência em liderança e gestão de projetos permite identificar oportunidades de crescimento e propor estratégias personalizadas.

Minha sólida formação acadêmica inclui quatro pós-graduações e doutorado em Psicologia Social, bem como certificações internacionais em Gerenciamento, Liderança e Desenvolvimento Cognitivo Comportamental. Minhas contribuições na área são amplamente reconhecidas em centenas de aulas, treinamentos, palestras e artigos publicados.

Coautor do livro “O Segredo do Coaching” e autor do “O Mapa Não É o Território, o Território É Você” e “A Sociedade da Dieta” (1º de uma trilogia sobre o comportamento humano na contemporaneidade – 09/2023).

Permita-me ser seu parceiro(a) nessa jornada de autodescoberta e sucesso. Juntos, desvendaremos um universo de possibilidades comportamentais e alcançaremos resultados extraordinários.

Aliás, quero convidar a fazer parte da minha rede. Como amante da psicologia comportamental, psicologia social e neurociências criou o seu canal do YouTube para compartilhar com mais pessoas a paixão pelo desenvolvimento cognitivo comportamental.

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