REFRAME YOUR THOUGHTS

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” – Søren Kierkegaard

In a world where happiness seems like an obligation imposed by society and social media, we are bombarded by a cacophony of noise that obscures our vision of what is truly important in our lives. This noise manifests as external expectations, social pressures, constant comparisons, and an avalanche of information, often disconnecting us from our own genuine desires and goals. Amid this chaos, it is not surprising that even when we are motivated to dream, to pursue goals, and to orient ourselves towards what we aspire to, we feel lost in the uncertainty about our true desires and aspirations.

Sometimes, we fall into the trap of believing that happiness is exclusively tied to external circumstances. We delude ourselves into thinking that a raise, professional recognition, a new car, or even a new romantic relationship will bring us the much-coveted satisfaction. However, even when we achieve these goals, it is common to confront an inner emptiness. This sensation drives us to seek new goals, to tirelessly strive to achieve them, and inevitably, we find ourselves once again facing the void. Thus, we become trapped in this continuous cycle, as if we are running on a treadmill, not advancing towards any defined destination.

This is a scenario I have observed not only among my clients but also in my own journey. Doubt emerges at the end of a significant stage, such as the completion of a course or professional project. Additionally, it arises when we find ourselves exhausted in the face of a challenging situation, when we are confronted with the need to reinvent ourselves due to adverse circumstances, or when we face an unexpected setback. As Viktor Frankl noted in his work “Man’s Search for Meaning,” these moments of existential crisis are opportunities to reflect on our deepest values and redefine our life purposes.

Identifying our true desires is not always a simple task, even if we are encouraged to pursue our dreams or visualize where we will be in three or five years. However, it is crucial to recognize that making decisions becomes clearer when we have at least a slight orientation about our goals. As suggested by Daniel Kahneman, constructing a sense of purpose in life not only provides us with a compass to navigate our choices but also enables us to break free from the vicious cycle of incessant pursuit of external achievements and inner voids.

However, there is an alternative to escaping this cycle of constant dissatisfaction. Instead of living according to external expectations, we can seek to live according to our own aspirations and deepest values. This is the path to finding true and lasting meaning in our lives. To this end, I want to encourage you to start this reflection, to reclaim your dreams, and to set goals that genuinely inspire you. Let’s explore two practical suggestions:

1. Dreams and Illusions

“True happiness is not achieved through the pursuit of pleasure, but through the ability to experience moments of peace and satisfaction, even in the most challenging circumstances.” – Dalai Lama

It is crucial to start by distinguishing between dreams and illusions. A dream is a desire that inspires us, whether it is to learn something new, travel to a special place, or build a family. Regardless of its ambition, a dream motivates us to actively pursue its realization. On the other hand, an illusion is a distortion of reality, where we mistakenly interpret events, objects, or circumstances. It resides in our imagination, surpassing the boundaries of the possible, engulfing us in a fantastical world that comforts us in difficult moments but internally deprives us of the motivation for action. Examples such as traveling the world, living on paradise islands in the Pacific, or achieving extreme wealth are illusions that make us believe everything is possible.

Learning to distinguish between dreams and illusions makes us more honest with ourselves and frees us from the pressure of pursuing the latter, which, we reiterate, are not essential. The mere act of imagining them already fulfills their cognitive purpose. When we find ourselves lost, not knowing what we want or lacking a clear dream, we can engage in various exercises. For example, we can reclaim past dreams as a source of inspiration. Adolescence is a fertile period for ideas. It is worth recalling what we liked or what excited us. The goal is not to realize the dreams exactly as we imagined them, especially since almost all of them likely no longer make any sense or are simply unattainable today, such as wanting to be an astronaut or an Olympic athlete at age 40.

However, this exercise is very important because it helps us perceive how our life choices were made until we reached where we are, and if this exercise is done in a healthy manner, without criticism and judgment, we can realign ourselves with our own perception of reality between life and time. In other words, the importance of this exercise is to help us reconnect with our essence, with what truly motivates and inspires us, allowing us to align our actions with our deepest values. When we reconnect with our genuine dreams, we can find a new sense and direction in our present lives, empowering us to live with authenticity and fulfillment.

Returning to the example of the Olympic athlete, we can obtain valuable insights about ourselves. With this simple exercise, we recall that we were passionate about sports or activities that increased our perception that the outcome depended greatly on our own efforts. This allows us to consider the possibility of analyzing what has changed, what were the strategies, motivators, and resources available on the subject. This helps us reframe our perception through lived experiences, which in turn provide us with insights into our preferences, abilities, and core values. I repeat, by reconnecting with these essential elements of ourselves, we are able to redefine our life goals and direct our actions in a more aligned manner with our true essence. This process of reflection and self-awareness not only enables us to live with authenticity and fulfillment but also guides us on the journey towards a more meaningful and rewarding life.

Let me provide a common example from my sessions, such as the case of my client, Andressa. Since childhood, she had always had a deep love for theater. She used to participate in school plays and always felt more alive when she was on stage, portraying characters and telling stories. However, through some psychosystemic dynamics, we soon discovered in her story how much she was influenced by the expectations of social groups and her family, who valued more traditional and financially stable careers. Thus, Andressa ended up following a more conventional path, studying law in college and working as a lawyer.

However, upon reaching the age of 40, Andressa begins to feel an inner void. Despite her professional success, something inside her is missing. She feels disconnected from herself and her true desires. It was then that she decided to seek help to understand what was making her so unhappy. Determined to reconnect with her passion for theater, she embarked on a process of reflection and self-awareness, reframing her own trajectory. We began the process by reminiscing about the happy moments of her childhood, acting in theater plays. She realizes that it has always been her true passion and that she abandoned this dream because of external pressures. By analyzing her life choices so far, Andressa recognizes that she sacrificed her personal happiness in pursuit of material success and social approval, which was far from feeling complete.

With this insight, Andressa decided to take steps to pursue her true passion. She enrolled in theater classes, participated in amateur acting groups, and sought opportunities to nurture her dream, even if they were just amateur opportunities. Although this path was more aligned with a hobby, Andressa felt more alive and authentic than ever. She knew she was following what truly made her happy, despite the uncertainties. Over time, she discovered that this decision not only made her happier but also more fulfilled, providing her with a renewed sense of purpose and meaning. By living in accordance with her deepest values and pursuing her passion for theater, Andressa found not only authenticity but also fulfillment, and today she is a volunteer teacher at a theater arts school in a community in Rio de Janeiro.

Of course, it is not simple or a solitary reframing. During her journey of self-discovery and rediscovery, Andressa was not alone. She found support and encouragement from friends, family, and even new connections she made by engaging with the theater community. Finding people who shared her passion and encouraged her to pursue her dreams was crucial in strengthening her determination and confidence. Additionally, Andressa also sought professional guidance from a coach who helped her identify her deepest values and outline an action plan to achieve her goals. This emotional and practical support was essential in helping her overcome the challenges and doubts that arose along the way, making her journey even more meaningful and rewarding.

Now, I challenge you to answer: What did you enjoy doing when you were younger? What can you extract from those experiences?

• What I Would Like to Stop Doing?

“Não é o que você tem na vida que importa, mas quem você tem na vida que faz a diferença.” – Margaret Laurence

Another way to guide ourselves is to think about what we don’t want. Although this exercise may not be as appealing as envisioning our future, it is still a valid and extremely powerful step. Learn to ask yourself this question: What would I like to stop doing?

This can apply to both personal and professional spheres, such as avoiding stress in certain situations, seeking a job change, or reassessing a friendship. When we find ourselves in deep uncertainty about our desires or dreams, we have another option: to think about who we would like to resemble, even if it’s a fictional character. Once again, this acts as a beacon, providing clues about ourselves. Through this exercise, we can come to conclusions that help us land in reality and establish concrete goals.

In this regard, it is important to understand how we construct our reality and why this exercise works. As I have explained in many previous articles, our brain is constantly shaping our perceptions and behaviors based on our past experiences and how we interpret the world around us. According to social learning theory, people construct models of themselves and the world around them that serve as guides for action. Therefore, by identifying what we would like to stop doing, we are recognizing behavior or thought patterns that no longer serve us and need to be modified so that we can progress towards our goals.

Furthermore, neuroscience shows us that our brain has incredible plasticity, meaning it can be molded and restructured throughout life. As highlighted by Norman Doidge in his book “The Brain That Changes Itself,” “brain plasticity is the ability to make new neural connections and reorganize existing structures in response to experiences, learning, or brain injury.” Therefore, by committing to stop doing something that no longer serves us, we are activating “neuroplastic processes” in our brain that enable us to change our behavior and thought patterns. If we analyze carefully, we realize that by reflecting on what we wish to interrupt, we not only recognize the importance of eliminating harmful behaviors or thought patterns, but also explore the innate power of our mind and brain to instigate positive changes in our lives.

This exercise is not limited to simply identifying what we want to abandon; it empowers us to redirect our focus and energy towards what truly matters. Moreover, it provides an opportunity to honestly examine how we are spending our time, allowing us to actively shape our reality and move closer to a life aligned with our deepest values and goals. By undertaking this introspective analysis, we are taking control of our lives, empowering ourselves to make conscious choices that propel us towards a more meaningful and fulfilling existence.

Let me share a practical example to illustrate how this simple exercise can have a transformative impact. Let’s imagine a client, Carlos, who sought help due to his dissatisfaction in his career. During our coaching sessions, we explored the question “What Would I Like to Stop Doing?” as a tool to clarify his goals and guide him towards positive change.

As we delved deeper into the specific aspects of his job that he wished to change, Carlos shared his frustrations with tight deadlines, unrealistic expectations from his boss, and lack of appreciation and autonomy in the workplace. He recognized how these factors were negatively impacting his health and personal relationships.

Through this reflection, Carlos identified the desire to stop overwhelming himself with unnecessary tasks, establish healthy boundaries with his toxic boss, and seek support and collaboration from his team. With these discoveries, we developed together a concrete action plan, setting specific goals and strategies to implement the desired changes.

Throughout the sessions, I witnessed Carlos’s progress as he freed himself from negative patterns and adopted new approaches to dealing with professional challenges. His journey towards a life aligned with his values and goals was marked by a sense of relief, empowerment, and self-awareness.

I hope this example illustrates how the simple exercise “What Would I Like to Stop Doing?” can be a powerful tool for promoting positive and lasting changes in our personal and professional lives. By identifying and overcoming obstacles, we empower ourselves to live more authentically and satisfactorily.

HOW TO FIND HAPPINESS WITH LESS

“The meaning of life is to find your purpose. The purpose of life is to give it away.” – Viktor Frankl

After delving into reflection on what we wish to eliminate from our lives, arises an invitation to explore an even deeper territory: the encounter with what truly fills us with happiness and meaning. It’s as if we’re about to discover a hidden treasure within ourselves, waiting to be unveiled. In this journey towards self-discovery, Viktor Frankl, in his transformative work “Man’s Search for Meaning,” reminds us of the importance of living aligned with our purpose. After all, it’s in this alignment that we find not only momentary happiness but a lasting sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.

How many times have we encountered exhausted and disillusioned individuals, who have invested their energies in pursuit of success, power, or wealth, only to find themselves empty and dissatisfied? In moments of personal uncertainty or crisis, it’s crucial to define the path that propels us, the guiding north that will steer our choices and actions. By delineating our own purpose, we’re taking control of our narrative, actively shaping our destiny. This isn’t a simple or instantaneous process; it’s a journey of self-awareness and self-transformation, challenging us to reflect on our deepest values and defining experiences. Just as companies define their mission to guide their activities, each of us must articulate our own personal mission, a beacon that guides us through life’s storms and reminds us of what truly matters.

This mission isn’t confined to the professional or personal sphere; it permeates all areas of our existence, informing our choices and how we interact with the world around us. And when we ponder what truly brings us happiness, we’re not just talking about fleeting moments of pleasure or success.

We’re talking about a profound serenity, a sense of contentment that transcends external circumstances and resides within ourselves. These moments of fulfillment can manifest in various ways: through contemplating the beauty of nature, dedicating ourselves to helping others through our work, or sharing precious moments with those we love. They remind us of the importance of being present in the moment, cultivating authentic connections and meaningful experiences that enrich and nourish us. Therefore, I invite you to embark on this journey of self-discovery and self-transformation, to explore the depths of your soul in search of your true essence. For it’s there, at the core of your being, that you’ll find the key to a life of meaning, purpose, and true happiness.

HOW IS THE BRAIN OF HAPPY PEOPLE?

Everything we’ve discussed is neurologically aligned with our minds. In our journey towards happiness, we face not only emotional and psychological challenges but also a complex interplay between our brain and our experiences. Neuroscience science has recently provided valuable insights into what occurs in our brains when we feel happy. Studies show that the brains of people who find their purpose tend to be happier and therefore operate differently, with the harmonious interaction of a series of neurochemical substances. Some researchers call this the “happiness quartet”: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins.

These substances play fundamental roles in our emotional state and well-being. Dopamine, for example, known as the pleasure neurotransmitter, not only promotes a sense of well-being but also fuels our motivation and relaxation. Its generous presence is associated with countless brain processes related to behavior and learning.

Therefore, strategies such as getting enough sleep and celebrating achievements stimulate its production, contributing to a happier mind. Let’s see in practice, for example, Ana, who is working on an important project at her job. She’s putting in a lot of effort and facing daily challenges to achieve her goals. One day, after weeks of hard work, Ana successfully completes a crucial part of the project. When she sends the finished work to her supervisor, Ana experiences a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.

This positive sensation is the result of dopamine release in her brain. Dopamine, as the neurotransmitter of pleasure, is released in response to achieving goals and rewards. In this case, Ana’s successful completion of the project stimulates dopamine production in her brain, contributing to her sense of happiness and well-being. But not only that, she has just helped create positive memories that will ensure motivation and resilience for many other challenges. This is because dopamine also plays an important role in facing the next challenges in her work. She becomes more focused and determined to achieve her goals, driven by the sense of gratification that accompanies dopamine release in her brain.

Therefore, by recognizing the role of dopamine in promoting well-being and motivation, Ana can adopt strategies such as ensuring a good night’s sleep and celebrating her achievements to stimulate the production of this neurotransmitter in her brain, strengthening crucial memories for dealing with insecurity, fear, vulnerability, and many other issues we face daily. This will not only contribute to a happier mind but also help her stay motivated and focused on her goals.

Oxytocin, on the other hand, often referred to as the “hug hormone,” plays a crucial role in developing interpersonal bonds, trust, and love. Practices such as physical touch, hugs, and kisses increase its levels, as does regular meditation, favoring a sense of connection and well-being. In practice, I can give Laura as an example, a woman leading a busy life who often feels overwhelmed by work stress and daily demands. Laura realizes that she is emotionally distancing herself from her loved ones and feels a lack of connection in her relationships. She decides to take steps to cultivate more emotional closeness and strengthen her interpersonal bonds.

Laura starts to incorporate practices that stimulate oxytocin release in her body. She sets aside a few minutes every morning to practice meditation, focusing on feelings of love and gratitude. This regular meditation practice not only calms her mind and reduces stress but also increases oxytocin levels, promoting a sense of connection with herself and others.

Additionally, Laura makes sure to promote more in-person meetings at work and with her friends, and she starts to cultivate hugs with her family and friends more often and adopts two pets to share her affection. She realizes that these changes not only make her feel closer to the people around her but also trigger an oxytocin release, generating a sense of warmth and well-being in her relationships.

As Laura incorporates these practices into her daily life, she notices a significant change in her emotional experience. She feels more connected, loving, and confident in her relationships, experiencing a greater sense of well-being and happiness. We can see how the regular practice of activities that stimulate oxytocin release, such as meditation and hugs, can promote greater interpersonal connection and contribute to a happier and more balanced mind.

Serotonin, often referred to as the “natural antidepressant,” plays a fundamental role in mood balance and emotional well-being. In addition to a balanced diet and exposure to natural light, practices such as living in the present moment and cultivating resilience can also contribute to regulating serotonin levels, promoting a sense of tranquility and contentment. In practice, we can follow Lucas’s journey, a young man facing chronic stress and anxiety in his daily life. Realizing that his emotional health was affected, Lucas decided to seek help to take steps that promote emotional balance and increase his serotonin levels.

Lucas starts adopting practices that stimulate serotonin production in his body. Starting with his diet, he adopts a balanced diet, rich in foods known to promote the production of this neurotransmitter, such as omega-3-rich fish, leafy greens, and tryptophan-rich foods, an amino acid precursor to serotonin. Additionally, Lucas incorporates the habit of spending time outdoors. Taking long walks and exposing himself to sunlight not only improves his mood but also regulates his sleep cycles, promoting a sense of well-being throughout the day.

Lucas also adopts physical activities and finds a hobby that makes sense to him, helping him live more in the present moment. By learning to calm his mind and focus his attention on the here and now, he reduces anxious thoughts about the future and regrets from the past, creating space for a sense of tranquility and contentment.

As Lucas continues to incorporate these practices into his daily routine, he notices a significant change in his mood and emotional well-being. He feels more balanced, calm, and able to cope with life’s challenges more easily. These practices not only promote healthy regulation of serotonin levels in his brain but also contribute to an overall sense of tranquility and contentment in his life.

Finally, endorphins, our natural painkillers, also play a vital role in pain modulation and promoting moments of pleasure and euphoria. Engaging in physical exercise, participating in enjoyable activities, and cultivating passionate hobbies are ways to stimulate the release of these substances, promoting a sense of well-being and contentment.

As an example, let’s consider Mariana, who has always struggled to cope with the stress and anxiety of daily life, spending years battling panic attacks. Tired of the ups and downs, she sought to combine therapy with a natural and effective solution to improve her mood and well-being, deciding to start an exercise routine.

Mariana begins to run every morning in a park near her home. In the first few days, she feels the initial adaptation difficulty but persists. After a few weeks, she begins to notice a significant change in her emotional state. Each morning run not only improves her mood to face the day but also provides a sense of euphoria and well-being that persists throughout the day. This positive effect is the result of the release of endorphins in her brain during physical activity.

In addition to running, Mariana decides to resume an old hobby that has always brought her joy: painting. On weekends, she dedicates a few hours to her passion for art, getting lost in the colors and shapes she creates on her canvases. The concentration and pleasure she finds in painting also stimulate the production of endorphins, helping her feel more relaxed and satisfied.

It didn’t take long for Mariana to realize that the combination of regular physical exercise and the practice of an enjoyable hobby significantly transformed her emotional well-being. She feels less stressed, more energetic, and an overall sense of happiness and satisfaction. In therapy sessions, the progress was undeniable, and the new habits completely changed her behavior. Understanding the vital role of endorphins in promoting moments of pleasure and euphoria, Mariana incorporated these practices into her daily routine, reaping the benefits that she had doubted she would ever be able to restore, thus regaining a life full of well-being.

By understanding how these neurochemical substances influence our emotional state, impacting our memories and reframing our thoughts, we can understand how useful it is for life to use specific strategies undeniably capable of promoting a happier and more balanced mind. By integrating this knowledge with the practices of self-exploration and self-discovery discussed earlier, we can create a more solid path towards authentic and lasting happiness.

Lastly,

As we contemplate these moments of reflection and consider how we can reframe our thoughts, we are prompted to project ourselves into the future. Then arises a question that is crucial to reinforce everything we have discussed here and often forget to ask ourselves: How Do We Wish to Be Remembered? To express this, it is necessary to employ verbs that evoke action, inspire, and are deeply personal.

As we ponder the mark we aspire to leave, it is vital to remember that the essential starting point of purpose resides in our own well-being. As highlighted earlier, when we are in balance with ourselves, we can contribute significantly without exhausting ourselves. Often, we dedicate ourselves to helping others, but we forget to take care of our own mental and emotional health, which can result in burnout. This stems from a shift in focus. If we truly aspire to leave a lasting mark, we must prioritize our own inner well-being.

Aspiration is what gives meaning to all our actions. In this context, it is impossible not to recall a remarkable story that illustrates this principle: the narrative of the workers of Notre-Dame Cathedral. When Pope Alexander III and King Louis VII visited the ongoing construction, they realized that although everyone was performing the same physical task, their attitudes and perspectives towards the work were completely different. Some merely fulfilled their obligations, while others saw their work as a contribution to something greater than themselves. This parable highlights the importance of finding purpose and meaning in what we do, transforming even the simplest tasks into rewarding and meaningful experiences.

In this sense, by living aligned with our purpose, we become better able to discern what truly brings us well-being. This wisdom, so eloquently expressed by Viktor Frankl in his work “Man’s Search for Meaning,” reminds us that finding meaning is fundamental to a fulfilling life, especially in times of uncertainty and personal crisis.

Certainly, we all know people who are exhausted and disillusioned because they invested their energies in superficial goals, seeking only success, power, or wealth. This reflection leads us to reconsider our priorities, valuing a life with fewer excesses and more meaning, as advocated by the Greek philosopher Epicurus.

It is important to emphasize that this process of self-discovery does not happen instantly; often, it goes unnoticed. However, identifying it can be extremely beneficial, highlighting the importance of self-awareness and reflection for personal growth. Following this line of thought, we can create a personal mission that guides our choices and actions, as advocated by Nietzsche.

Our purpose, as individuals, is something each of us must delineate, a process that begins with reflection on past moments when we experienced fulfillment. This journey towards authenticity and personal fulfillment leads us to true happiness, as eloquently expressed by Albert Camus and Thich Nhat Hanh.

Thus, as we explore these ideas and perspectives, we expand our understanding of what it means to find happiness with less, guiding us towards a more meaningful and satisfying life. May we all embark on this journey of self-discovery and growth, finding meaning and purpose in every step of the way.

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have participated in important projects of structuring, implementation, and optimization of telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a wide-ranging career, I highlight my role as:

– Master Senior Coach and Trainer: Guiding my clients in the pursuit of goals and personal and professional development, achieving extraordinary results.

– Chief Happiness Officer (CHO): Fostering an organizational culture of happiness and well-being, boosting productivity and employee engagement.

– Expert in Language and Behavioral Development: Enhancing communication and self-awareness skills, empowering individuals to face challenges with resilience.

– Cognitive Behavioral Therapist: Using cutting-edge cognitive-behavioral therapy to help overcome obstacles and achieve a balanced mind.

– Speaker, Professor, Writer, and Researcher: Sharing valuable knowledge and ideas in events, training, and publications to inspire positive changes.

– Consultant and Mentor: Leveraging my experience in leadership and project management to identify growth opportunities and propose personalized strategies.

My solid academic background includes four postgraduates and a doctorate in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

Co-author of the book “The Secret of Coaching” and author of “The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You” and “The Diet Society” (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporaneity – 05/2024).

Allow me to be your companion on this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will unravel a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.

By the way, I invite you to join my network. As a lover of behavioral psychology, social psychology, and neuroscience, I have created my YouTube channel to share my passion for cognitive behavioral development with more people.

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