THE AVERAGE OF THE FIVE PEOPLE WHO HELP US BE WHO WE ARE

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

This famous quote is not just a provocation; it leads us to a profound reflection on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Each connection we establish reveals our priorities and shapes our destiny in ways we often fail to perceive. Surrounding ourselves with people who inspire and challenge us elevates us, creating a conducive environment for growth and the realization of our dreams. A clear example of this is the transformation that many experience when they surround themselves with mentors or friends who challenge their limiting beliefs, leading them to achieve goals that seemed unattainable.
Individuation is a fundamental process in building meaningful relationships. This process refers to the development of personal identity and self-awareness, allowing each individual to understand their own needs and values. The more we know ourselves, the more we can establish authentic and healthy connections with others. For example, when we feel secure in our own selves, our self-esteem rises, attracting people who not only complement but also enrich our journey, rather than merely filling emotional gaps.
Moreover, the way we relate reflects our choices, beliefs, and values. Our interactions speak of us in ways we often struggle to verbalize. Thus, it is essential to question: what do our relationships say about who we are? This introspection leads us to understand that each connection holds significant potential for our personal evolution. For social psychology, the quality of relationships directly influences our well-being as well as our growth as individuals and professionals, highlighting that healthy interactions promote greater satisfaction and happiness in our lives.
By understanding the importance of our connections, we are invited to discern between those that uplift us and those that diminish us. Each interaction can either propel us forward or stagnate us on our journey of self-discovery. The fact is that cultivating relationships that resonate with our true essence becomes a vital practice for nurturing our values and mental well-being. Awareness in relationships is not just desirable; it is essential. So: what kind of relationships have you been nurturing in your life? Are they truly aligned with who you are and who you wish to become?

Cultivating Conscious Relationships

The relationships we cultivate act as mirrors, reflecting our priorities and aspirations. They not only reveal our current essence but also illuminate the path to what we can become. However, one of the most common misconceptions in modern society is the lack of clarity about the type of relationship we genuinely seek to enrich our lives. Often, we confuse the quality of our interactions with the quantity of likes and superficial connections, valuing the “having” at the expense of the “being.” Sincerity and authenticity, along with a person’s virtues, are often overshadowed by the attachment to status and trivialities.
This confusion ultimately distances us from the true purpose of human connections: mutual growth and personal transformation. In a world where the quantity of interactions often replaces depth, it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that we are surrounded by people, but in reality, we may be immersed in an existential void. The pursuit of social approval and the need for immediate recognition are challenges we all face, reflecting a natural need for belonging. However, if we are not careful, this pursuit can lead us to form bonds that add little to our development, keeping us trapped in cycles of superficiality and fleeting satisfaction, rather than directing our energies towards connections that truly nurture our personal growth.
When we understand that authentic connections are much more than friendly support, they challenge us to grow and to know ourselves more deeply. We begin to choose the people we relate to with greater intentionality. This process involves discerning which interactions propel us towards a more aligned and genuine version of ourselves and which perpetuate stagnation and superficiality. Cultivating these relationships is, in fact, an act of courage that requires the willingness to let go of what no longer resonates with our essence, making room for new experiences and truly meaningful bonds.
In this sense, our focus should be on practicing this clarity and discernment, recognizing that the quality of our connections defines much of who we are. By valuing “being” — and not “having” — we create spaces to find our best version, in the company of people who share and contribute to our values and help us achieve a state of authenticity and continuous evolution.
Another major misconception lies in the lack of understanding that by prioritizing the quality of our relationships, we create a social circle that goes beyond a mere cluster of people; we transform it into a space that inspires us through uniqueness and differences, where diversity and the exchange of ideas are naturally accepted. Instead of yielding to excesses, whether in opinions, absolute truths, or the search for victims and scapegoats, we find an environment of mutual respect, in which genuine exchanges and collective building prevail, fostering growth that transcends judgments and superficial divisions fueled by distorted passions. Ethics, in all its forms, remains the fundamental value in all healthy human relationships.
How many times have you asked yourself: How have I cultivated my relationships? Which of them truly elevate me and which perpetuate a state of stagnation? This reflection is essential; after all, if you take a deep breath now and allow yourself, you will soon realize that some of your interactions drain energy and obscure your sense of living. Don’t be fooled! The quality of the connections we establish is not just a detail; it is the essential foundation for our evolution as human beings.
In this sense, as we delve into the complexity of human relationships, it becomes evident that our connections shape our personas. This reminds me of a reflection by Nietzsche, who reminds us that “life without music would be a mistake,” suggesting that life, without truly meaningful relationships, would be equally incomplete. Each interaction we cultivate reflects not only our feelings but also the values that sustain our deepest aspirations.
Thus, the connections we establish are not random; they reflect aspects of ourselves that we choose to reveal or conceal. In other words, the relationships we build become an empowered self-image, revealing our essence, our vulnerabilities, fears, and aspirations. From here arise two crucial questions: what image are we seeing of ourselves? Are we truly seeking deep friendships or have we settled for superficiality to avoid the discomfort of being authentic?
Cultivating conscious relationships goes beyond choosing people who “make us feel good.” It is about affections; surrounding ourselves with those who allow us to transcend our limitations and represent parts of ourselves that we have yet to fully integrate. When we interact with individuals who challenge us to see beyond our personal narratives, we create a richer reality, aligned with our authentic being, which lies behind our personas. Healthy conscious relationships are, in essence, acts of courage—choices that pull us out of our habitual comfort and place us on the journey of self-discovery and transformation.
This cultivation requires intentionality and attention. We must discern with whom we choose to relate, prioritizing those who inspire us and support our growth by challenging our limits. Evaluating the relationships we maintain is a continuous exercise of reflection: Which expand our vision and which keep us in the same place? By dedicating ourselves to this practice, we strengthen our connections and enrich our journey, creating a space where authenticity manifests in all interactions.
I hope you have already understood that cultivating healthy relationships is not merely a matter of affinity. To transform our relationships into a rich and harmonious symphony, we need, above all, self-awareness, where each connection becomes a fundamental note that, together, creates the unique melody of our existence, revealing that the relationships that truly matter are those that challenge us to compose the best version of ourselves.
Now, it is essential to be aware that, even if it sounds paradoxical, for this symphony to resonate with authenticity, it is imperative to dedicate moments to solitude. In these moments, we find the necessary space to relate to ourselves, thus strengthening the foundation for genuine and enriching interactions with others.
The Solitude of Individualization
Solitude, far from being a withdrawal and much less a sign of isolation and sadness, is an essential return to oneself. It is in the quiet and intimate space that our voice, stripped of the external influences that distort our perception, gains clarity. This moment of lucidity allows us to reflect on our choices and illuminate the paths we truly wish to follow. In a world saturated with incessant stimuli and dubious relationships, this state of tranquility is more than a refuge; it is a rediscovery of our essence. It is in this silence that we understand that true connections flourish not by filling voids but by wholeness, sustained in completeness and not in dependency.
The journey of individualization, this path that leads us to self-knowledge, is, by nature, solitary. Carl Jung, in asserting that “your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart,” reminds us of the importance of this internal dive. This process not only favors the enhancement of the self but also deepens the understanding of the dynamics that bind us to others and the impact they have on our feelings.
In the pause we give ourselves, we realize that it is in emptiness that the new reveals itself. Solitude is not a burden but a vital passage to purify our essence and attract relationships that resonate with our authenticity. Those who share this energy do not form bonds out of necessity but out of affinity, generating a connection that transcends the superficial. By embracing this journey of self-knowledge, we prepare ourselves for fuller and more conscious relationships.
In the process of seeking a higher version of ourselves, we encounter relationships that, instead of elevating us, become anchors that limit our evolution. Solitude then becomes a powerful ally, allowing for a deep dive into our essence, where it is possible to discern which connections are genuinely meaningful and which merely occupy space, keeping us in repetitive cycles.

Relationships with Anchors and Vitamins

In this context, a profound reflection on our choices is warranted. As we have seen so far, the people around us are not mere presences; they act as co-authors of the narrative of our lives. Therefore, I want to discuss “anchor” and “vitamin” people, exploring not only our well-being but also the vibrational frequency we wish to align with our existence. Choosing to associate with individuals who vibrate in tune with our purposes is fundamental to co-creating a reality where growth and expansion become continuous. These connections do not aim to validate us but to challenge, nourish, and share our journey authentically.
Thus, as we reflect on everything we’ve discussed so far, ask yourself this crucial question: Are you surrounded by “vitamin” people or “anchors”?
To clarify: “vitamin” people are those who propel us forward, elevate our self-esteem, and inspire us to explore new horizons. They illuminate our path with positive energy and enthusiasm, acting as catalysts for our potential. In contrast, “anchors” symbolize connections that negatively root us. These relationships manifest as echoes of unresolved insecurities and fears, reflecting aspects of ourselves that still need to be liberated. They challenge us to discern whether they are there to teach us something valuable or if they are mere manifestations of repetitive patterns that keep us trapped. When we decide to cut these ties, we practice an act of self-love, elevating our frequency and aligning our journey with our inner truth.
Moreover, anchors have the potential to make us feel inferior, feeding doubts about our abilities and potentials. As we reflect on whom we invest our time and energy in, it is essential to consider the impact these relationships have on our ability to become better individuals. Being alongside an anchor can create a toxic environment, suffocating our creativity and inhibiting our progress.
Imagine yourself surrounded by people who, while sharing the same space, constantly drag you down with destructive criticism and a negative view of life. These individuals, often convinced of their limiting views, minimize your achievements and devalue your choices. A new outfit or the purchase of a car, for instance, can become a target of mockery rather than being met with praise, turning a personal achievement into an undeserved obligation.
These anchored relationships often reflect our own fears and insecurities, creating a vicious cycle that traps our minds and limits our potential. To continue our journey, this lucidity is necessary; it is essential to cultivate a healthy and enriching environment; it is crucial to surround ourselves with people who support and constructively challenge us rather than those who hold us back. Recognizing and distancing ourselves from anchors is a vital step in building relationships that promote our well-being and connect us to our true essence.
Now, when we surround ourselves with “vitamin” people, we are encouraged to shine, explore new possibilities, and become the best version of ourselves. This transformation transcends a simple choice; it is about cultivating what we have best and enhancing everything that needs improvement, and our relationships with healthy people have everything to do with that.

The Toxic Pattern of Relationships

Jim Rohn, with his powerful statement about the “average of the five people,” invites us to reflect on the profound impact that relationships in our lives have on who we are and who we become. The human being is a singular entity, in a continuous evolutionary process. Each of us advances at our own pace, navigating the realities that surround us and seeking to understand our reason for living. Therefore, I reiterate that the quality of the connections we establish is crucial; they not only shape our perceptions and behaviors but also directly influence our personal and emotional growth at the speed we are proposing for ourselves.
Thus, nothing is static; everything is in transformation! Understanding that relationships are not fixed is a true challenge; they evolve or dissolve according to our own internal evolution. By accepting that each connection reflects our present moment, we acknowledge the importance of practicing detachment, cultivating a presence that allows for the emergence of the new. Each life cycle brings with it new people and, with them, lessons that need to be integrated for our growth.
The relationship process is always a unique cycle of integration. That’s why I have already stated that by embracing both deep connections and transformative solitude, we achieve the fullness of being whole. And here I reiterate that in this journey, true wealth does not reside in the number of people around us but in the quality and authenticity that each one represents in our walk.
However, it is crucial to be aware of the temptations and toxic patterns that can manifest in interpersonal relationships. These patterns often arise in subtle yet devastating ways, disguised as affection. Just as anchors can camouflage themselves as lambs, alternating between praise and criticism, these dynamics of “affection and disdain” create an emotional dependency that becomes destructive over time. Psychologists like Brad Bushman demonstrate in their studies that relationships characterized by emotional manipulation tend to result in serious psychological damage, culminating in mental illness, which can vary from anxiety to deep depression, sometimes leading us down a path of self-deprecation with no return.
In this sense, it is always worth reinforcing that every anchor person, in some way, is toxic, as these relationships already undermine our dreams, wills, and desires. However, there are those that go further. Their behavioral deviations tend toward sociopathy, transforming them into skilled manipulators who wreak incalculable havoc in our lives. These individuals not only bind us to cycles of negativity but also corrupt our perception of reality and undermine our self-esteem, leading us to question our abilities and worth.
The central difference between anchors and toxic people lies in the emotional dependence that the latter creates. Anchors, while harmful, often generate bonds based on insecurities and fears, making us feel guilty when we attempt to break free. In contrast, toxic people use emotional manipulation to keep us under their control. A clear and common example of this is a friendship where one person constantly makes you feel responsible for their emotional well-being. If you try to distance yourself, they threaten to enter a crisis state or say they wouldn’t be able to live without you, creating a guilt dynamic that limits your freedom. This emotional dependence creates a vicious cycle, where your self-confidence is depleted and your mental health is compromised.
By becoming aware of these patterns, we are called to reflect on the quality of our connections and to free ourselves from bonds that no longer serve us. Inner transformation begins the moment we decide to prioritize relationships that elevate us rather than imprison us. Thus, we can cultivate a relational circle that inspires us and supports us on our journey of self-discovery and individualization.
Toxic people are articulate and not easy to decipher, but they often exhibit some subtle signs, such as monopolizing conversations and stifling the voices of others. For them, their own problems always seem more relevant, creating an environment where empathy is nonexistent. When trying to share your experiences, you may feel dismissed, as if your pain or joy were irrelevant. This behavior reflects a profound selfishness that results in “fragile connections lacking authenticity.”
A classic example is that anchor friend who, upon hearing about your achievements, quickly shifts the focus to their own experiences, devaluing your victories. Have you ever encountered someone who narrates their life as if they were the only one who truly suffered? These individuals often present a narrative of victimization, where their pain becomes “exclusive.” The victim role, intertwined with a sense of superiority, undermines the possibility of truly meaningful connections.
Moreover, toxic people do not hesitate to criticize your choices—from what you wear to your relationships—while positioning themselves as saviors. The emotional dependence they cultivate creates a vicious cycle that drains your self-confidence. A study by the American Psychological Association highlighted that controlling relationships are among those that harm people’s mental health the most globally, revealing the severity of this dynamic.
When you realize this condition, you often have already lost the essence of who you truly are, becoming a concave reflection of your articulation around you. The challenge lies in identifying these toxic relationships and having the courage to distance yourself in search of interactions that promote your true individuality and growth.

The Cycle of Evolution and Challenges in Interpersonal Relationships

If you’ve made it this far, you already understand that in the intricate labyrinth of human relationships, where superficial interactions often overshadow truly meaningful connections, we encounter a provocative truth: as we evolve, the task of cultivating a circle of healthy connections intensifies. This reality can be challenging, as in seeking greater alignment with our essence, relationships that do not resonate with our evolution become more evident. As previously discussed, it is in this context that we must reflect on the nature of the choices we make in our interactions.
It is worth quoting Harville Hendrix, who reminds us that “the people closest to us should be those who support us the most on our journey of self-discovery.” However, we often find ourselves confronted with those who reinforce our limitations rather than challenge our convictions, reflecting the dynamics of toxic bonds that we have already explored. This phenomenon is understood through behavioral psychology, which teaches us that interactions shape not only our behaviors but also our self-image and self-esteem.
Thus, it is essential to look inward and reflect on our feelings and motivations. Kierkegaard wisely said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” This introspection is not merely an exercise in self-understanding; it is a path that helps us discern which relationships truly support us and which keep us tethered to limiting patterns. By doing so, we realize that our relationships are ultimately choices—each of them influences the others, creating a feedback cycle that shapes our existence.
By recognizing the depth of the connections we cultivate, we understand that they are reflections of our beliefs, values, and aspirations. The relationships we choose to maintain speak about us and directly impact our personal and emotional development. When we surround ourselves with people who encourage us to be the best version of ourselves, we expand our capacity to make choices aligned with our true essence.
In this context, it is vital to develop the ability to discern the relationships that elevate us from those that hold us back. For this, empathy is also necessary! Empathy is not just an act of understanding, but a vital skill that allows us to connect with the essence of others, recognize their struggles and victories, and thereby foster a space for mutual growth. When we allow ourselves to understand others in their entirety, we create bonds that transcend superficiality and strengthen our commitment to our own development.
In a cycle of evolution, empathy acts as a catalyst, allowing us not only to understand the needs and limitations of others but also to express our own authentically. The healthiest relationships emerge when each party feels seen and heard, and this, in turn, encourages joint evolution, where everyone becomes a better version of themselves.
Thus, by cultivating empathy, we not only recognize the value of the connections we build, but we also become more aware of the impact we have on the lives of others. This awareness is fundamental to breaking harmful cycles and, instead of allowing ourselves to be held back by toxic relationships, we choose to cultivate an environment that favors growth and authenticity.
Let us remember Carl Jung when he said, “Those who do not know history are condemned to repeat it.” Therefore, by exploring our relationships in a lucid and introspective manner, we have the opportunity to learn from our surroundings and become active agents in our transformation. After all, the quality of our connections is intrinsically linked to our evolution as human beings.

Resilience in Deep Relationships

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, argues in his book Man’s Search for Meaning that even in the most adverse circumstances, deep and meaningful relationships are essential for resilience and purpose. Frankl found strength in his bonds, even amidst extreme suffering, proving that the quality of relationships can be the foundation in the midst of a storm. He writes, “The forces that sustain us in the worst crises are often the connections we have with others.”
I invite you to ask yourself: Which relationships truly elevate your spirit and challenge your essence? The answer to this question can serve as a beacon, guiding you in identifying bonds that genuinely enrich your journey.
Here, vulnerability takes center stage. Without vulnerability, there is no authenticity; it is the key that unlocks deep and meaningful connections. However, this openness to show ourselves as we truly are is a challenging path, filled with insecurities and fears. It is a journey for the courageous—those who, upon finding a greater meaning in their relationships, also discover a deeper purpose in their lives.
As we reflect on the idea that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, it is crucial to recognize that this does not necessarily imply five healthy relationships. This perspective can be overly optimistic in a world filled with superficial interactions. Do we really cultivate healthy relationships with five people? Depending on where you are in your journey, having one authentic connection is already a reason to celebrate!
In other words, as I mentioned at the beginning of this text, the path in search of our fullness as a “Being” tends to become increasingly solitary. The higher we climb, the rarer healthy relationships become. Thus, it is easier to find anchors that hold us down than balloons that help us rise!
This reality leads us to consider that, to form an intimate and authentic circle, we must develop deep self-awareness and a clear purpose regarding our choices in the present. The fact is that we are intrinsically relational beings, and each relationship has a reason for existing. They are not only necessary but also a vital source of learning. If we are open to it, each interaction offers us an opportunity for growth.
However, this does not mean we should cultivate all relationships. It is essential to recognize and distance ourselves from those that, in some way, poison us or prevent us from evolving. Living is, above all, relating, but for this experience to be healthy and enriching, we must surround ourselves with people who genuinely resonate with our essence. Thus, as we explore these dynamics, we find not only support but also a safe space for our personal growth and evolution.

In conclusion,

As Aristotle taught us, “…we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” This wisdom prompts us to reflect on the nature of the relationships we cultivate in our lives, especially in light of Jim Rohn’s statement. It is crucial to recognize that our connections not only shape our persona but also delineate the paths we choose to tread in our existence.
As we embark on the journey of self-discovery, it is essential that we relate in an environment that embraces human diversity, enriched by different thoughts and cultures. Each encounter is unique, not a matter of chance, and transforms into an opportunity for learning and growth. Every relationship is, essentially, an act of affection. In other words, we affect and are affected; in every interaction, we leave and take something meaningful. Perhaps this is the greatest reason for life. But this does not mean we cannot choose to surround ourselves with individuals who not only share our goals but also challenge us to become more authentic versions of ourselves. Healthy and meaningful relationships are essential for our growth, serving as emotional and intellectual support. They inspire us to transcend self-imposed limits and cultivate habits that lead to excellence in all aspects of life.
The real question we should ask ourselves is: who are the five people shaping our average? This reflection goes beyond merely recognizing influences; it is an invitation to deep introspection about the impact these relationships have on our mental and emotional state. The connections we choose to nurture can be either beacons that illuminate our path or anchors that hold us to the depths of a sea of insecurity and mediocrity.
When we nurture ties with those who encourage and challenge us, we not only expand our individual potential but also contribute to a relational environment that values empathy, solidarity, and authenticity. It is through this safe and enriching space that we can explore new dimensions of ourselves, facing challenges with courage and resilience.
I hope that by reaching this point, you understand that as we reflect on the relationships surrounding us, we must cultivate a sharp discernment that allows us to identify harmful patterns. Each interaction is an opportunity for learning and growth, and awareness of these cycles of influence is crucial for our personal evolution. As Carl Jung wisely said, “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.” By looking inward and analyzing our relationships, we awaken to the true essence of our being.
May we thus build relationships that support our aspirations and guide us toward a fuller and more meaningful future. Each connection is a choice that impacts our being, and by choosing wisely, we can walk together toward a world where true human connection is celebrated. Let us remember that the relationships we cultivate are not only reflections of who we are but also beacons that illuminate our path to transformation.
True transformation occurs when we surround ourselves with individuals who not only share our goals but also inspire and drive us to become more authentic versions of ourselves. Aristotle also teaches us that “friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies; it is a heart dwelling in two souls.” Thus, by nurturing these genuine friendships, we not only nourish our own evolution but also contribute to the collective growth that leads us to a deeper understanding of the human condition.
On your journey, you are not alone. I am here to assist you in seeking more meaningful connections and overcoming limitations imposed by relationships that no longer serve your growth.
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