TRANSFORMING DEFEATS INTO ACHIEVEMENTS: THE JOURNEY OF ACCEPTING AND GROWING THROUGH FAILURES

Just as trees shed their leaves in autumn, preparing to be reborn in spring, failures sow the renewal of the soul. They grant us the opportunity to abandon old beliefs, blossoming with renewed perspectives as we strengthen our essence like roots delving even deeper into what we call life. (Marcello de Souza)

If there is something linked to the very reason for human existence, and that we are daily confronted with as an element that many seek to avoid, reject, and even fear, it is failure. The meaning of failure transcends its apparent negativity, revealing itself as a fundamental piece in the tapestry of life. It is more than an obstacle to be avoided; it is an relentless value that guides us towards self-discovery and growth.

Without failure, believe me, we would not endure life itself! We would not know how to deal with the reality of who we are, much less with our own experiences! Failure triggers a process of self-discovery and growth that is essential for our journey in life. It acts as a mirror that reflects the Self and the I. Within it lie our weaknesses and everything we need to become better people.

Without failure, we would not be challenged to face our limitations and confront our own reality. Without failure, for sure, we would not be here today, where exactly we are, we could not dream about all that we can be. Clarity resides in failure, showing us that we are perfectible by learning to deal with our imperfections.

Failure teaches us to face difficulties head-on, to evaluate our goals, and to continually adapt. It makes us fully embrace our own lives and understand who we are, accepting both our achievements and our flaws, all as integral parts of a life truly worth living.

Thinking about failure today, it reminded me of a German word: “Übermensch” (Don’t be alarmed if you’ve never heard of it! Indeed, nowadays I’ve seen very few capable of wanting to understand it).

Übermensch is a German term meaning “beyond man” or “beyond human.” It is present in one of the most unsettling and complex works to be understood, called “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” (Also sprach Zarathustra). The concept of Übermensch is explored in the proposal of a philosophy genius called Nietzsche. Friedrich Nietzsche brings forth the proposal of the “overman” or also “superman,” with the main foundations being the proposal to “forget” and also the affirmation of the law of the “eternal return.” But not only that. The third quality that complements these two lies in the importance attributed to what has existed and the desire for the occurrence throughout eternity of what has been lived. This third quality is called Amor Fati, or better said, Love of Destiny. In other words, it means that there should be no regret from man in the experience of his values, therefore, of his choices. In this sense, he destroys any form of “ideal” by saying that Der Übermensch lives in life, in a real way and in the way it presents itself, without metaphysical crutches, with the pains and all the limitations of any human being.

Transcending limitations and seeking self-realization through failure is deeply rooted in the idea “beyond man.” Nietzschean thought teaches us that failure should not be feared or avoided but rather faced as a catalyst for significant growth and inner evolution. The fact is that failure is indeed a unique opportunity to test our limits, question our beliefs, and challenge our latent potential.

On the other hand, we are part of a society of emptiness, liquid, as Zygmunt Bauman used to say. That’s right! Failure has become the number one enemy of an empty society that often prevails in the comfort of mediocrity and makes us avoid challenging situations—we fear failure and its implications on such a spectacular image. However, I want to invite you to look beyond this fear and embrace failure as an impulse for overcoming. Didn’t understand? Then, be honest with yourself and answer: Without failures, difficulties, and adversities, would we be led to seek new perspectives, explore our inner strength, and become the best version of ourselves?

Übermensch

The notion of Übermensch is the idea of becoming an elevated human being, one who transcends the limitations imposed by society, conventions, and even by human nature itself. It is a call to seek mastery over oneself, passions, and circumstances, turning failure into a springboard for self-realization. Failure, in this view, is a tool to challenge our own notions of who we are and what we are capable of achieving. The fact is that failure is not a definitive defeat, but rather an opportunity to put ourselves in our rightful place, realizing that existence is necessary if we want to go further in our conquests. It invites us to embrace the process of facing the life that belongs to us, of which we are solely responsible. To use this lucidity as a step to elevate ourselves beyond our self-imposed limitations. Achieving a level of self-transcendence that leads us to a deeper realization of the meaning and significance of being.

Failure – An Existential Paradox

Failure is not a one-dimensional experience, but rather an intersection point between challenges and opportunities, pain and growth, discomfort and transformation, resulting in an inherent complexity to the human experience.

However, with each stumble, each result falling short of expectations, we are thrown into an endless cycle of self-questioning. We are compelled to examine our weaknesses, our questionable choices, and our now crumbled goals. In this context, failure not only adds a new chapter to the narrative of our life but also reinforces the uncomfortable sensation of inadequacy that we have tried to ignore.

Failure, indeed, offers a peculiar kind of solace, albeit belatedly. It provides us with the justification that, after all, we were not destined for success. It’s as if our mistakes were a vivid and painful representation of our own intrinsic incapacity. And so, failure becomes a solid platform for the constant march towards surrender. A path that distances us not only from the present but also from the very essence of who we are.

Undeniably, failure acts as a disguised master, but its lessons are not enriching; on the contrary, they are meticulous instructions for our own diminishment. It points us to our weaknesses with cruel precision, highlighting our fears, insecurities, and self-sabotaging tendencies. And instead of challenging us to go beyond, failure seems to push us towards the least effort necessary. The result? A life of mediocrity, where we comfortably hide in the shadows of bubbles and conformity.

Each setback, far from being an opportunity for growth, can be seen as a harbinger of regression. Failure not only molds us into conformity but also prepares us for regression. It leads us to the dead end of idiotization, pushes us into isolated bubbles where our dreams wither, and ultimately prevents us from turning our aspirations into tangible reality.

At the heart of failure lies fear, a understandable fear that paralyzes us and impels us to avoid risk at all costs. And within that fear lie not only beginnings but also endings.

Failure is not just a chapter to be overcome, but often it becomes an entire narrative, defining us in ways we could never have imagined. For many, the response to failure no longer matters; it’s as if the inevitability of failure renders all other choices irrelevant.

Such a current behavioral distortion

There is no shortage of examples in this trajectory as a Cognitive Behavioral Developer of people who have become hostages and skilled in turning failure into a monster that devours hope and aspiration. Leading them down a dark path, where giving up seems to be the only reasonable option, where mediocrity is the final destination.

I have dedicated part of my time to understand why I have been seeing more and more people not only struggling to deal with failure, but feeling increasingly like failures themselves. Who reach a point of seeing failure as a devouring monster of hope and aspiration.

There is no concrete answer, but surely there is intrinsically a complex combination of emotional, cognitive, and social factors. This cycle of self-questioning that arises with every stumble and result below expectations has generated intense internal pressure. This is because the need to examine our weaknesses, questionable choices, and crumbling goals often leads to increased self-criticism and insecurity.

In this sense, I refer to what Zygmunt Bauman might have to tell us. He who categorically knew how to extensively explore the liquid and volatile nature of contemporary society, makes it clear that the impact of social pressures, changing expectations, and the pursuit of external validation (regardless of the means) have a significant impact on people’s lives.

There’s no denying it! We all, unquestionably, live in a moment in history marked by uncertainty and immoral fluidity, where social norms and definitions of success are fleeting and unattainable. In this context, people are constantly seeking external validation and approval to feel valued and accepted. It is the complete emptying of Being and the overvaluation of Having (incidentally the theme of my next book – The Diet Society), the cycle of self-questioning and self-criticism after failure has become increasingly evident in this quest for validation.

The contemporary emphasis on success, on such “pseudo-perfection,” and on idealized representations of life often results in overwhelming pressure on individuals. This pressure is amplified by social comparison, as people constantly compare themselves to the standards of success and happiness projected by society and social media. Failure, in this context, is not just a personal experience, but also a confrontation with the perception of not measuring up to these constantly changing standards. It is worth remembering when Bauman explores the concept of the “consumer society,” where relationships and identities are often built around what is temporary and superficial. In this scenario, failure gains strength as a threat to the constructed image and external validation that people seek.

Bauman is right to warn that the intense internal pressure we undergo, which, incidentally, after failure is a manifestation of the liquid nature of contemporary society, where the search for validation, social comparison, and emphasis on success contribute to the sense of inadequacy experienced by many individuals.

In fact, the sense of inadequacy that failure brings is amplified by social comparison and by the pursuit of all this spectacle. We live in a society that often emphasizes image, success, and perfection, creating unrealistic expectations about what is considered acceptable or worthy of recognition, but not only that, it also distorts principles such as ethics and morality. When faced with failure, many feel that they are no longer part of a social context and thus experience a deep sense of emptiness and devaluation.

Furthermore, human nature often leads us to seek explanations for what happens in our lives. Failure offers a seemingly clear and tangible explanation for our difficulties, giving us a tangible reason for not having achieved the desired success. This justification can be tempting, as it temporarily relieves the discomfort of not meeting expectations, even at the cost of our self-esteem.

The fear of failure also plays a significant role in this process. The fear of judgment, the prospect of facing future challenges, and the possibility of repeating past mistakes can become overwhelming. This fear paralyzes, preventing us from taking necessary risks for growth and fulfillment. The fear of failure intertwines with self-criticism, reinforcing the idea that we are inadequate and therefore incapable of facing future challenging situations.

The imperative economic and social narrative and the negative mindset can also contribute to how people perceive and deal with failure. Many individuals grow up in environments that stigmatize failure and associate it with personal failure and devaluation. These negative perceptions can create a cycle of self-sabotage, where the fear of failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The transformation of failure into a monster devouring hope can also be exacerbated by past experiences of failure, especially when those failures have been internalized as permanent character traits. This can undermine confidence and self-efficacy, further hindering the ability to cope with failure in a healthy manner.

At the point where people see failure as a monster that devours hope and aspiration, there is a complex intersection of psychological, social, and emotional factors. Social pressure, fear of judgment, and self-criticism can create a mindset that amplifies the negative effects of failure, leading to resignation and the adoption of a mindset of mediocrity. Overcoming this perspective requires a process of self-understanding, acceptance of imperfections, and working towards a healthier mindset regarding failure. Therefore, I reinforce the idea that failure is indeed an Existential Paradox. There is and always will be contradictions or an inherent duality to the human experience and failure.

For example:

Lessons and Growth: Failure, although often seen as something negative, can be a source of learning and growth. It can be paradoxical in that something that seems bad at first glance can actually contain valuable lessons that help us become better and evolve.

• Challenge and Opportunity: Failure presents a challenge but also offers an opportunity. This duality is a paradox because something that seemingly brings us down can be a catalyst for rising to new levels of overcoming and achievement.
• Pain and Transformation: Failure often brings pain and emotional discomfort, but it can also be a catalyst for deep inner transformation. The paradox here is that the pain of failure can lead to internal growth that is difficult to achieve in times of continuous success.
• Redefinition of Values: Failure can force a reassessment of our values and priorities. This process can be paradoxical, as something that initially discourages us can actually lead us to a clearer understanding of what is truly important to us.
• Acceptance and Authenticity: Failure can lead us to greater self-acceptance and a quest for authenticity. The paradox lies in the fact that, by facing our failures and imperfections, we can become more true and complete in our journey.

I hope you now realize that even within this bleak scenario, there is still a spark of opportunity. For even in the depths of failure, we can choose to resist, find strength in the shadows, and, against all odds, seek a glimpse of light amidst the darkness.

We can choose to let failure define us and paralyze us, or we can choose to use it as a springboard to success. Learning to accept failure as an intrinsic part of the journey is the first step in turning adversities into opportunities and turning challenges into triumphs.

Dealing with failure – In practice:

As a coach, I cannot conclude this reflection without leaving you with some exercises that you can do with yourself, which will certainly help you deal with the failures so pertinent in our lives. These are simple exercises, which of course are practical suggestions to work on your own issues, but they do not replace the support of a good behavioral professional. The idea is to assist in changing the perspective regarding failure and to develop emotional, cognitive, and social skills to deal with challenges that arise in your life in a healthier and more constructive way. Remember, you can adapt them to your reality:

a) Reflection and Acceptance Exercise:

• Set aside quiet and distraction-free time to reflect on past moments of failure in your life.
• Write in a journal or on a piece of paper about how you felt during those moments, what lessons could be learned, and how failure impacted your personal growth.
• Try to identify the negative beliefs associated with failure and how these beliefs can be challenged or modified.
•  

b) Exercise in Self-Empathy:

• Imagine yourself as a close friend who has faced a similar failure to what you’ve experienced.
• Write a letter or a supportive message to this friend, offering words of understanding, encouragement, and empathy.
• Read the message as if you were speaking to yourself, internalizing the kindness and compassion.

c) Exercise in Reevaluation of Values:

• List the most important values in your life, such as honesty, resilience, family, creativity, etc.
• Reflect on how failure may have influenced your understanding and experience of these values.
• Write about how your priorities may have changed or become clearer due to your experiences of failure.

d) Exercise in Authenticity:

• Choose a behavioral professional, or even two close friends, family members, or trusted support groups.
• Share your story of failure with them in an honest and open manner, including your feelings, challenges, and what you have learned.
• Notice the response and support you receive, realizing that everyone faces challenges and you are not alone.

e) Exercise in Gratitude for Failure:

• Think of a specific failure you have faced in the past.
• Identify at least one positive thing you have learned from this experience, such as a skill acquired, a valuable lesson, or a new understanding of yourself.
• Write an empowerment note for what failure has brought into your life.

f) Exercise in Creative Visualization:

• Find a quiet place where you can sit or lie comfortably.
• Close your eyes and imagine yourself facing a challenge that you fear.
• Visualize yourself experiencing failure, feeling the emotions associated with it.
• Now, imagine yourself recovering and thriving after failure, overcoming obstacles, and achieving your goals.

g) Exercise in Deconstructing Fear:

• Identify a specific fear related to failure that you face.
• Break down this fear into smaller, more concrete parts, making it more manageable.
• Describe realistic scenarios in which you would face these fears and consider strategies for dealing with each part of the fear.

Finally,

In existentialist philosophy, there is a sublime phrase by Sartre that says: “Existence Precedes Essence.” Sartre makes it clear that in our personal journey, we are challenged to create meaning from the experiences we live, including failures. Just as we are not limited by a predefined essence, we are also not defined by our failures. This understanding allows us to free ourselves from rigid expectations of success and perfection, making room to explore how we face challenges.

Taking responsibility for how we approach failures is a natural extension of this principle. Instead of becoming hostages of failure, we can consciously choose how to react and how to use these experiences to shape our growth. Accepting responsibility for our post-failure reactions and choices empowers us to direct our journey more constructively.

As we accept failure, we also find ourselves at a crossroads that challenges us to make a new choice—stagnant self-pity, or the path of transformation, where we rise rejuvenated by inner resilience.

Looking back is acknowledging the shadows that danced along our journey. Every moment of defeat and disappointment is a blank canvas where the paints of self-discovery and growth can be skillfully applied. Every setback, every wrong choice, all the obstacles that made us question our path, are indeed the cornerstones upon which we build our inner strength. Just as existentialist philosophy encourages us to create our own meaning, failures can propel us to find value and learning in challenging situations. We are not defeated by our failures but challenged to redefine our goals and learn from our difficulties.

Failure doesn’t define us, but it shapes us into a more authentic and conscious version of ourselves. (Marcello de Souza)

It’s not just the ability to overcome failure that defines us, but also how we integrate each painful lesson into our soul. Every scar is a living representation of stories that witness our journey of struggle, and it is precisely this authenticity that becomes our connection to our values. Instead of allowing fear to prevent us from acting, we can face failures as opportunities to overcome challenges and self-discovery. Just as existentialist philosophy encourages us to confront the unknown, facing failure becomes a way to embrace the unexpected and grow from it.

Unraveling the true meaning of failure is like discovering a hidden treasure in the depths of the unknown. It’s understanding that failure is not a final defeat, but an opportunity to redefine our narratives, to shape our destiny with our own hands. It’s facing the mirror with courage and seeing not only our flaws but also our unexplored potential.

As we embrace failure as our harshest yet most compassionate teacher, we find a constant invitation to explore the boundaries of our own soul. It’s in falling that we learn to rise, and it’s in the darkness of failure that we find the spark of light that will guide us forward.

Just as existentialist philosophy highlights the role of freedom and choice in shaping our identity, failures can be seen as moments to choose a growth perspective. While the temptation to resign to mediocrity may be strong, applying this philosophy encourages us to use failures as springboards for personal development and overcoming obstacles.

Once I heard from a very special person that by realizing we’re always at the crossroads between light and darkness, between success and failure, we become the true authors of our own story. So, let the journey through failure be an ode to your resilience, a tribute to the unwavering pursuit of meaning, and a reminder that in every stumble lies the opportunity to transcend yourself and embrace the vastness of what you’re capable of achieving.

—

Just as the sun emerges after the dark night, failure shines like a beacon on our journey. It prompts us to transcend limits, nurture resilience, and cultivate humility. Failure awakens our sensitivity, reminding us that we are imperfect but perfectible. Embracing it as a guide reveals its power to catalyze a life of values, profound and meaningful. (Marcello de Souza)

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have been involved in important projects structuring, implementing, and optimizing telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to dive into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a diverse career, I highlight my role as:

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My solid academic background includes four postgraduate degrees and a doctorate in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

Co-author of the book “The Coaching Secret” and author of “The Map is Not the Territory, the Territory is You” and “The Diet Society” (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporary times – 05/2024).

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