WHAT YOU DO, NOT WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO! PART 1

“In the face of the pressures and expectations of modern society, it is essential to remember that true success is not measured by what we have materially, but by the quality of our relationships, by the connection with our essence, and by the fulfillment of our deepest purposes. A successful life is one in which we find balance between being and having, cultivating authentic values, and living according to our inner truth.” (Marcello de Souza)

In the pursuit of a fulfilling and meaningful life, we often encounter profound questions about what it truly means to achieve success and happiness. Far from being a simple and linear journey, this quest leads us through paths filled with challenges, reflections, and discoveries about ourselves and the world around us. In this article, I invite you to deeply reflect on the fundamental elements that constitute a truly successful life. We will start by deconstructing the conventional concept of success, exploring what does not constitute a successful life, and challenging the dominant narratives that often limit us in our pursuit of personal fulfillment.
Next, we will delve into the essential pillars of a fulfilling life, addressing topics such as human affections, responsibility, freedom, and choices. Each of these aspects will be carefully examined, providing valuable insights into how we can build an authentic existence aligned with our deepest values.
Throughout this first part, we will explore the impact of human affections on our journey of self-discovery, as well as the crucial relationship between responsibility and freedom in building a meaningful life. Additionally, we will address the complexity of choices and how they shape not only our destiny but also our perception of success and happiness.
After this initial reflection, I will invite you to join us in the second part of this article, where we will delve even deeper into human values, the anguish of living, and a final reflection that will provide a satisfying conclusion to this journey of self-awareness and personal growth. Prepare yourself for a profound and transformative learning experience, where each word and each reflection will take you closer to a deeper understanding of yourself and what truly matters in your pursuit of a successful life.

WHAT IS NOT A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?

If this question were asked to me 20 years ago, I would be unable to answer it in the way I see life today, and this is certainly the most beautiful reason to live. In other words, for me, the true value of life is not in itself, but in everything we learn from it. Perhaps that’s why today I can categorically say to myself what is not a successful life! For me, this answer has to do with a deep reflection on the aspects that I consider essential for a truly meaningful life based on my experiences today.
For me, an unsuccessful life is one that lets itself be carried away by the currents of superficiality and the incessant pursuit of fleeting pleasures. It is one that prioritizes having over being, that constantly seeks immediate gratification instead of cultivating deeper and more lasting values. From this perspective, an unsuccessful life is one that distances itself from its human essence, getting lost amidst external pressures and social expectations. It is one in which choices are made automatically, without reflection or awareness of the impact they may have on our own journey and on the lives of those around us.
An unsuccessful life is also one in which we lack the courage to truly be ourselves, in which we conform to standards imposed by society instead of following our own values and aspirations. It is one in which we settle for a superficial existence, without questioning whether we are truly living according to our deepest purposes. You know, for me, an unsuccessful life is one in which we lose ourselves, in which we drift away from our essence and let ourselves be carried away by conventions, conveniences, and others’ expectations.
It is one in which we forget that we are the protagonists of our own story and that we have the power to shape our destiny based on our choices and authentic values. For me, an unsuccessful life is one that distances itself from these essential values that make us unique as human beings. It is one in which we lose ourselves in the pursuit of external achievements, neglecting our own essence and the meaningful relationships that give meaning to our existence.
I know it might seem pointless for me to say what is not a successful life, however, what I want to provoke in you is precisely to make you realize how simple it is to put on paper everything we no longer want for ourselves. How simple it is to make it clear to the world everything that doesn’t do us good! But, we almost never do that!
That’s why the question “What is not a successful life?” might seem strange, yet it is fundamental to bring reality into the present state and to realize the choices we are making for ourselves! Having clarity about what is not a successful life is much easier than answering for yourself what is a successful life right now. But, one depends on the other. Perhaps, without the clarity of what is not, you will never be able to answer what is a successful life. Do you know why?
The complexity of the answer lies in the fact that since birth, we are constantly bombarded by a myriad of expectations, social standards, and ideals of success imposed by society, media, and even our own past experiences. Thus, throughout life, we internalize a series of pre-established concepts about what a successful life should be, often without questioning their validity or relevance to our personal fulfillment. That’s why when we are confronted with the question of what is not a successful life, we are faced with the limitations, voids, and dissatisfactions that we experience when we try to fit into predefined molds of success.
It is important to remember that, especially for Westerners, we learn, from birth, the family rules, the expectations of society, and the lived experiences that play a fundamental role in shaping our conceptions about values, principles, success, and even happiness. From a very young age, we are taught to follow certain behavioral patterns and to pursue certain achievements to be considered successful in the eyes of others.
At home, at school, and in all social environments, we are constantly exposed to messages about what is right and wrong, or what is valued and rewarded by society. This may include getting good grades, getting a good job, starting a family, accumulating material possessions, and so on. These expectations internalized from an early age will deeply influence our choices and aspirations throughout life. This is called beliefs. Before you ask: Are you talking about limiting beliefs? Let me make it clear to you right here: Every belief is limiting! In other words, each belief is formed from the unique experiences, values, and perceptions of each individual, making it inherently subjective. Even if a belief is positive and valid for a person, it still represents only a limited perspective of reality, as it is based on their own perceptual filters and personal interpretations of events.
All these beliefs form the basis for the construction of our emotions that are put into practice in daily interactions with friends, colleagues, teachers, and family members who also participate in shaping our perceptions of what is not a successful life. We may receive praise and rewards for following certain paths or feel pressured to meet the expectations of others. These beliefs are like almost invisible photographs that accumulate throughout our life paths influencing our choices, actions, reactions as well as being present even in our interactions. They are shaped by all the experiences we accumulate over time, from the most distant moments in time to the most striking challenges present today.
As we reflect on our journey, we realize how these beliefs intertwine with our emotions, feelings, desires, wills, and expectations, often guiding us towards conformity. Stop for a moment and ask yourself: how many times have you found yourself facing others’ expectations, feeling pressured to follow a path that does not necessarily reflect your true desires and values? These are the subtle demands of what we should or should not do to achieve a life considered successful. It is no coincidence that it has always been much more present to be directed about what not to do to have a successful life!
Bringing the unique awareness of each one of us capable of understanding that what is considered success by others does not always bring us true satisfaction and personal fulfillment is not a simple matter. This awareness that should inhabit everyone’s mind and perception of life is what allows us to challenge dominant narratives about success and happiness and seek our own paths and definitions of a successful life.
Thus, family rules, social expectations, and everyday experiences play a significant role in shaping our conceptions of success and happiness, but we are not slaves to ourselves, or at least we shouldn’t be, after all, we are free to choose. In fact, we all have the potential to question ourselves and reassess what really matters and has value to us. That’s why I wrote this article today! Let’s delve deeper and search within ourselves for insights that can help us answer for ourselves: What Is a Successful Life!

You Are What You Do

“The true wealth of life lies not in the things we possess, but in the values we embrace and the connections we cultivate with others.” (Marcello de Souza)

The title of this article is inspired by an old proverb attributed to Carl Jung, which states: “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do!” I want this idea to resonate as a deep echo in your psyche, provoking fundamental truths about our nature of action and authenticity. This incisive statement transcends our masks and confronts our shadows, reminding us of the vital importance of our actions in defining who we are.
As we reflect on these wise words, we are led on an introspective journey, invited to examine not only our declared intentions but also to understand that defining what is not a successful life becomes crucial for our actual behaviors. Jung reminds us that it is not what we promise or intend to do that shapes our identity, but rather the choices we make and the actions we take in our life. Our actions not only reflect our true values and priorities but also contribute to the construction of our personal and collective narrative.
In this sense, Jung’s maxim offers a powerful perspective on the nature of success and fulfillment in life. In contemporary society, the concept of a successful life is often distorted and reduced to mere external indicators of status, material wealth, and social recognition. We are bombarded with messages encouraging us to pursue predefined goals of success, often disconnected from our reality and distant from our unique values and aspirations.
This superficial conception of having as indicative of a good life creates an environment conducive to the disconnection between our actions and our deepest values. Often, we find ourselves chasing goals imposed on us by a world that does not belong to us, instead of committing to what truly brings us meaning and satisfaction. Each day, we are further away from the need to free ourselves from external expectations and to focus on aligning our actions with our authentic values.
In this context, the understanding of a successful life is profoundly transformed. It is no longer simply about blindly following society’s dictates or seeking approval from others, but rather about living in harmony with our own inner truth. As we observe our surroundings, free from our own biases, we will soon realize that true success is not measured by the balance in our bank account. In contemporary society, the concept of success often intertwines with a narrative that values external and superficial standards, shaping distorted perceptions of what it really means to be successful.
In a world marked by globalization, digital media, and consumer cultures, we are constantly bombarded by idealized images of success, often focusing on the prestige of our professional title, the almost incomprehensible acronyms of positions, or tangible signs of wealth, fame, and power. However, a successful life goes beyond that. In a reality where many face depression, anxiety, stress, and increasingly resort to medication to deal with mental issues, true success is that which rescues our own values, finds emotional balance, genuine connections, and personal purpose.
This narrative of success is often perpetuated through communications, advertisements, and social influencers, promoting a narrow and one-dimensional view of what constitutes a successful life. From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that success is intrinsically linked to the possession of material goods and the attainment of external recognition. However, this superficial conception often leads us to an incessant search for external validation, neglecting deeper values such as integrity, interpersonal connection, and life purpose. This mentality based on external standards creates a culture of constant comparison and chronic dissatisfaction, fueling a relentless cycle of seeking more and a feeling of existential emptiness and alienation.

WHAT IS A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?

Our journey towards understanding a truly successful life begins here, with this questioning that echoes as an invitation to deep reflection on our existence. As we face this challenge, I cannot help but bring to light the provocative insights of Luc Ferry, whose book “What is a Successful Life?” delves into the depths of contemporary societies, revealing how these influences shape our perception of success and happiness, presenting us with dilemmas and paradoxes that permeate our search for meaning.
Ferry urges us to closely examine how the pressures and expectations of modern society often lead us to embrace a superficial view of success, anchored in external and materialistic standards. In a context where personal fulfillment is increasingly measured by status, wealth, and social recognition, we neglect the deeper and essential aspects of our own humanity.
Contemporary societies, driven by individualism and rampant consumerism, lead us on an incessant quest for immediate gratification. In this hedonistic frenzy, happiness is often reduced to mere accumulation of material possessions and the pursuit of ephemeral pleasures, leaving us alienated from a deeper and more genuine sense of purpose.
However, challenging these conventional notions of success and happiness requires a courageous journey of self-questioning and reflection. True success lies in vulnerability! Didn’t catch that? What I mean is that happiness cannot be measured solely by external achievements, but rather by the quality of our relationships, resilience in the face of adversity, and the ability to find meaning even in the most challenging experiences as well as in those that are simple yet pleasurable.
A genuinely successful life emerges from constantly questioning dominant narratives about success and happiness, and from seeking a deeper and more integrative understanding of what truly matters to us. It is about transcending the limitations of a purely linear and materialistic view of success and embracing a more holistic and humanistic approach, where the well-being and fulfillment of all aspects of our existence are valued.
The problem is that in a world marked by the relentless pursuit of success and superficial happiness, we are bombarded with messages that push us toward an illusory ideal, where value is measured by external and ephemeral achievements, and masks become mandatory at every encounter, every affection. This relentless pursuit of external approval distances us from our essence, alienating us from our true desires and authentic aspirations.
Perhaps now you are beginning to understand that reflecting on what truly constitutes a successful life should be essential to escape the cycle of emptiness, superficiality, uselessness, and constant comparison that often characterizes our own loss of meaning and values that we should give to ourselves.
Reconnecting with our deepest values and seeking a more authentic and meaningful sense in our journey through life is not an easy journey. It’s lonely. It’s realistic. It’s painful. However, it is in this journey of reflection and reconnection that we find the opportunity to transcend these limitations and find a more authentic and meaningful sense in our life. Although it may be lonely and challenging, it is an essential journey to achieve a sense of genuine fulfillment and wholeness. By reconnecting with our deepest values, we are able to live according to our true essence, finding a more authentic sense in our journey through life.
Reflecting on a successful life leads us through an intimate and challenging journey, where we confront the social pressures that shape our view of success. Dostoevsky, proclaiming that ‘We are like that: we dream of flight, but fear the height,’ awakens us to the inherent duality in our quest for fulfillment. While we aspire to success and happiness, we often find ourselves paralyzed by fear of the unknown, by the terror of the void we encounter when faced with true freedom. It is in this space of freedom, where certainties dissipate, that we encounter the opportunity to truly fly. However, it is common for us to take refuge in cages of our own making, seeking security in certainties that imprison us.
In this context, understanding freedom and confronting our own limits demands intrepid courage. The self-imposition of these mental cages imprisons us in a monotonous existence, lacking in vitality, where our identity no longer belongs to us. Breaking free from this scenario requires a journey of transformation, a courageous break from the comfort zone. It’s the struggle between the familiar and the unknown, between the illusory security of ‘certainties’ and the pulsating freedom that awaits beyond the ‘cages.’ The assertion that ‘Cages are where certainties live’ vividly outlines the self-imposition of limits that stifle our vivacity and distance us from our own vulnerability.
Note that finding the answer to what makes a good life is not as simple as finding reasons to live an unhappy life. To delve further into this issue, I want to bring here 5 fundamental points that we should have very clear in our mind, or better, in our consciousness about life and the happiness of living. For this, I want to talk about:

• Affections
• Responsibility and freedom
• Choices
• Human values
• The anguish of living

AFFECTIONS

It’s impossible to talk about a successful life without mentioning human affections. The relationship between human affections and what constitutes a successful life is essential to understanding the complexity of human existence and the pursuit of authentic happiness. Human affections represent our emotions and feelings and play a fundamental role in our journey toward a successful life. They are the essence of the potency within each of us, giving meaning and texture to our life experience, shaping our perceptions, motivations, and behaviors.
A truly successful life cannot be solely measured in terms of external achievements or accumulation of material possessions. Instead, it is intrinsically linked to our ability to experience and express a diverse range of positive human affections, such as love, gratitude, compassion, joy, and empathy. Human life thrives on the joy of diverse affective encounters.
These affections not only enrich our individual lives but also strengthen our interpersonal relationships and our connection to the world around us. They allow us to establish meaningful bonds with others, cultivate a sense of community, learning, thoughts, and of course, contribute to the well-being of each of us.
Moreover, human affections play a crucial role in our search for meaning and purpose in life. They help us discern what is truly important and valuable, guiding us toward activities and relationships that bring us a sense of fulfillment and wholeness.
However, it’s important to recognize that human affections can also be complex and contradictory. After all, they are the foundation of who we are and the explanation of why we are what we are, as well as part of what we can be. Therefore, we don’t always experience just positive emotions and feelings; moments of sadness, disillusionments, discontentments, disappointments, anger, fear, as well as anguish are also part of the human condition. However, paradoxically, these nuances that make us capable of dealing with these emotions and feelings in a constructive and adaptive manner contribute to our resilience and personal growth. A successful life reminds us of the importance of cultivating a holistic and integrative approach in our pursuit of genuine happiness. It invites us to recognize the richness of vulnerable encounters enough for us to recognize what is within us and around us and to value it as an essential part of a fulfilling and meaningful life.

RESPONSIBILITY AND FREEDOM

When we turn to Luc Ferry, we can refer to his concern regarding the need to understand what constitutes a successful life not only in terms of external achievements but also in relation to our values, choices, and individual actions. In this context, responsibility and freedom play crucial roles.
On one hand, responsibility is intrinsically linked to the notion of a successful life by challenging us day after day, second after second, to take responsibility for our choices and actions, recognizing that we are the main architects of our own destiny implies assuming the consequences of our decisions and seeking alignment between our personal values and our behaviors.
Freedom, on the other hand, is essential for the realization of a successful life. Exercising our freedom of choice consciously and authentically, seeking a life that is truly meaningful to us, requires the ability to detach ourselves from external pressures and social expectations and to follow the course that best corresponds to our own values and aspirations.
However, it is important to highlight that freedom is not an absolute concept, but rather relative. Our individual freedom is always interconnected with external circumstances and the limitations imposed by the world around us. Therefore, the pursuit of a successful life also involves recognizing our responsibilities in all our emotions. Didn’t understand? Let me go a little further. For this, I need to recall Jean-Paul Sartre. In his existentialist philosophy, I emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for our choices, even in the absence of a pre-defined essence. For Sartre, we are condemned to freedom, which implies that we are responsible for all our choices as well as free to create our own meaning and act according to our authentic values, even in a world permeated by uncertainty.
In turn, it is always worth remembering Friedrich Nietzsche, who invites us to transcend nihilism, overcoming the idea that life is devoid of intrinsic meaning. For Nietzsche, freedom is inherently linked to the ability to create our own values and find meaning in our own existence, even in the absence of absolute truths. I refer to the fact that, according to Nietzsche, there are no absolute or universal truths that determine the meaning or purpose of life. He argued that life has no intrinsic purpose, and that each individual is free to create their own meaning and values, without relying on a pre-defined external truth. Instead, Nietzsche emphasized the importance of self-determination and the creation of one’s own values, even in a world where there are no absolute truths that can be universally applied.
Furthermore, of course, Luc Ferry, in his work, brings a contemporary approach to freedom, highlighting the interconnection between individual freedom and social responsibility. According to Ferry, the pursuit of a successful life involves recognizing our responsibilities to others and to society at large, while challenging us to live authentically and meaningfully. Finally, I invite you to reflect on how we can live more authentically and meaningfully, honoring our individual freedom while recognizing our interconnections with others and with the world around us.
Thus, the relationship between “What is a successful life?” and the concepts of responsibility and freedom reminds us of the need to balance our individual autonomy with a sense of shared responsibility. This implies seeking a life that is not only fulfilling for ourselves, but also positively contributes to collective well-being and the flourishing of the community in which we are embedded.

CHOICES

“Our choices not only reflect our values, but also shape who we become. Each decision is an opportunity to move closer or farther away from the life we wish to live.” (Marcello de Souza)

The culprit of so much anguish. The relationship between “What is a successful life?” and our choices is fundamental to understanding the complexity and importance of the pursuit of happiness and personal fulfillment. In fact, if you understand the relationship between responsibility and freedom, you are able to understand why every choice is distressing. I don’t know if you have realized that in every choice there is the factor of time, and nothing exists in the past time, nor in the time that is yet to come. In other words, it is only possible to make a choice under the certainty that we can also choose only once if there is a chance to turn back, since time has already passed. Perhaps this is the main reason why we always prefer to evade reality or as Dostoevsky said, proclaiming that “We are like that: we dream of flight, but fear the height”.
The fact is that it is our choices that shape not only the course of our lives, but also our perception of success and happiness. A successful life is not determined only by external factors, such as social status or accumulation of wealth, but rather by the choices we make along the way. After all, always, absolutely always we are making choices. You may not realize it, but if you are reading this text, you made a choice for it, didn’t you? Our choices reflect our values, aspirations, and priorities, and have the power to impact not only our own lives, but also the lives of those around us and even society as a whole. Therefore, it is essential that we carefully consider the consequences of our decisions and seek to align our choices with our deepest and most authentic values.
Challenging conventional notions of success and happiness, I invite you to reconsider your priorities and question the dominant narratives about what constitutes a successful life. I want to stress the importance of taking responsibility for our choices and seeking a life that is truly meaningful to ourselves. In other words, when we relate “What is a successful life?” to our choices, it reminds us of the need to cultivate a conscious and deliberate approach in our pursuit of happiness and personal fulfillment. Each choice we make is an opportunity to move closer to a life that is authentic, meaningful, and aligned with our deepest values.

“The journey to a life aligned with personal values is not a straight line but rather a continuous process of self-awareness and growth. It is in the twists and turns that we find opportunities to reconnect with what truly matters.” (Marcello de Souza)

Finally, at the end of this first part,

Since the beginning of our journey, we have explored the various aspects that compose the complexity of the question: “What is a successful life?” We started with a brief provocation of what is not a successful life. Then we began questioning the conventional notion of success, recognizing that it cannot be reduced to mere external achievements or the accumulation of material possessions. By considering human affections, we understand that the true richness of life lies in the ability to experience and express a wide range of positive emotions, such as love, gratitude, compassion, and joy.
These affections not only enrich our lives individually but also strengthen our interpersonal relationships and our connection with the world around us. Deepening our reflection, we delved into the intersection of responsibility and freedom, recognizing that these are fundamental to the realization of a successful life. Responsibility challenges us to take control of our choices and actions, while freedom allows us to forge our own path toward an authentic and meaningful existence. And then, we arrived at choices – those crucial moments that shape the course of our lives.
Each choice reflects our deepest values and has the power to impact not only our own well-being but also that of those around us and society at large. As we reflect on everything we have discussed so far, we are urged to consider the importance of every moment, every emotion, every choice. For it is through these elements that we build the greater meaning of our existence, shape our own destiny, and seek to find meaning and purpose amidst the complexity of life.
May we continue this journey of reflection and discovery, seeking a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. May we find the wisdom to make choices that lead us toward a truly full and meaningful life. May these reflections inspire us to live with authenticity, courage, and compassion, always in pursuit of true happiness and personal fulfillment. Finally, after this profound reflection on the essential elements for a successful life, I invite you to join us in the second part of this journey of discovery and self-awareness.
In the second part, we will further explore human values, confront the anguish of living, and conclude our reflection with practical exercises to stimulate your personal reflection and promote a greater understanding of yourself and the world around you. Get ready for an even deeper immersion into the aspects that shape our existence and challenge us to live authentically and meaningfully. I look forward to continuing this journey with you. See you soon!

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Hello, I’m Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have participated in important projects of structuring, implementation, and optimization of telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a wide-ranging career, I highlight my role as:

• Master Senior Coach and Trainer: Guiding my clients in the pursuit of goals and personal and professional development, achieving extraordinary results.
• Chief Happiness Officer (CHO): Fostering an organizational culture of happiness and well-being, boosting productivity and employee engagement.
• Expert in Language and Behavioral Development: Enhancing communication and self-awareness skills, empowering individuals to face challenges with resilience.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapist: Using cutting-edge cognitive-behavioral therapy to help overcome obstacles and achieve a balanced mind.
• Speaker, Professor, Writer, and Researcher: Sharing valuable knowledge and ideas in events, training, and publications to inspire positive changes.
• Consultant and Mentor: Leveraging my experience in leadership and project management to identify growth opportunities and propose personalized strategies.

My solid academic background includes four postgraduates and a doctorate in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

Co-author of the book “The Secret of Coaching” and author of “The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You” and “The Diet Society” (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporaneity – 05/2024).

Allow me to be your companion on this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will unravel a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.

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