BEYOND THE MIRROR: THE ART OF ILLUMINATING THE OTHER

“In the silence of listening, the other’s heart reveals secrets the universe holds. Be the light that guides, not the reflection that limits, and you will discover that the other is also your own horizon.” – Marcello de Souza
Pause for a moment and reflect honestly: how many times, in the face of someone’s pain or enthusiasm, have you responded with the automatic “I know exactly how you feel”? At first glance, it seems like an empathetic gesture. But is it really? Or could it actually be a subtle — and often unconscious — form of violent communication disguised as empathy?
I often say to my clients and students: “Saying ‘I understand you’ may sound comforting, but most of the time, it’s just a reflection — and worse, a reflection of an automatism that violates the other’s uniqueness. They don’t need your mirror. They need your flashlight — to see what even they cannot yet perceive.”
Today, I want to invite you to move beyond the comfort of cliché empathy and dive into one of the deepest paradoxes of human communication: the illusion that understanding someone means translating them through our own lenses. In other words, have you ever stopped to reflect on the subtle — and at times devastating — impact of phrases like: “I know how you feel”?
Inspired by the work of Martin Buber (I and Thou), this reflection takes us into a much broader territory — where social psychology, neuroscience, and philosophy intertwine to remind us that being present is not about repeating rehearsed phrases, but about offering a living space in which the other can see themselves more clearly than ever before. This flashlight, which illuminates unexplored territories of the other’s soul, is not switched on by automatic words. It is built through genuine presence, fertile silence, non-invasive listening, and the rare art of sustaining the not-knowing.
It’s common in my sessions — whether in executive coaching or in deeper cognitive-behavioral development processes — to hear a client say, with relief or anticipation: “I know you understand me… you’ve probably been through this too.” In those moments, I must silence my own impulse to confirm, to compare, to mirror for comfort. Instead, I choose something more powerful: to hold up the flashlight. Because I’m not there to say “me too,” but to ask: “What is this like for you?” — and together, illuminate the unspoken. That gesture changes everything. It transforms dialogue into discovery. The encounter into expansion.
Today’s invitation is simple, but demanding: to transcend linear thinking, abandon the addiction to responding, and enter the systemic field of authentic empathy — the kind that doesn’t need to understand everything, but desires to walk alongside. Are you ready to turn on your flashlight?

When Empathy Becomes Projection
Since Carl Rogers, empathy has been hailed as an essential virtue in therapeutic, relational, and organizational contexts. However, over time, its use has become trivialized, turning into a superficial script — often automatic. The classic “I understand” has become an emotional shortcut — a poor substitute for real listening, a well-meaning attempt at connection that, ironically, creates distance.
Because here’s the truth: when we say “I understand,” we risk hijacking the other’s narrative. Instead of entering their world, we project our own story onto theirs. What sounds like empathy may actually be a sophisticated form of egocentrism — if not narcissism. A reflection, not a bridge. We’re not listening to the other — we’re listening to ourselves talking about them.
This displacement is subtle but profound. Philosopher Martin Buber warned us about the difference between an “I-It” relationship, where the other becomes the object of our interpretations, and an “I-Thou” relationship, where the other is embraced as a unique, unrepeatable being. Only in the latter does true encounter arise.
This trap is, in part, rooted in our biology. The so-called mirror neurons, identified by Giacomo Rizzolatti, are brain structures that allow us to simulate the emotions of others. Yes, we can place ourselves in someone else’s shoes — but only up to a point. As demonstrated by neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, our emotions are highly personalized constructs, shaped by experience, internal language, cultural context, and belief systems. In other words: we never feel exactly the same. We never truly feel alike.
To say “I completely understand how you feel” is thus an emotional oversimplification. And that simplification is dangerous — because it prevents us from asking the most powerful question of all: “What is this like for you?”
I recall a client — a senior executive at a multinational — who described her emotional exhaustion as “swimming against a current whose strength I can’t explain.” My first reaction was almost automatic: to search for a memory of my own so I could say I knew what that felt like. But I stopped. I breathed. And I chose not to be a mirror — I chose to be a flashlight.
I asked, “What is that current like for you? What does it hide? What does it prevent you from seeing?” What emerged from that question wasn’t just an answer — it was a revelation. She named fears that had never been verbalized, internal conflicts she hadn’t yet recognized. In that moment, the relationship ceased to be consultative and became transformative.
This episode reinforces one of the most essential principles of behavioral and social psychology: genuine empathy is not projection — it is listening with curiosity and reverence. It is the art of not reducing the other to ourselves.

A Radical Act of Presence
If the mirror merely reflects, the flashlight reveals. That is fact. Illuminating the other, in practice, is an act of profound renunciation: renouncing our certainties, the impulse to label, the urgency to solve. Above all, it requires what I call radical presence — a full-bodied presence, silent listening, and disarmed intention.
In humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers described this attitude as unconditional positive regard: listening to the other without judgment, interpretation, or an urge to fix. But this posture goes beyond technique; it is an ethical stance toward the existence of the other. It requires suspending the ego, relinquishing the desire to be useful, and simply being. Just being.
Philosopher Emmanuel Levinas, in his ethics of alterity, reminds us that the other is always an irreducible mystery. Their presence calls us not to solution, but to responsibility — the responsibility to acknowledge their existence as legitimate and complex, even when it challenges our familiar lenses.
In my practice as an executive coach, I once experienced a moment that crystallized this truth. A client, a corporate director, arrived at a session overwhelmed by external expectations. At one point he said: “My life is a stage where everyone expects the next act, but I’ve forgotten the script.” I was tempted to share a similar experience of my own — but I opted for a question instead: “What is this stage preventing you from being?” The silence that followed was dense, yet fertile. He eventually replied, through tears, that he had forgotten who he was outside of that role. That question, born of unarmed listening, opened a portal for him to rediscover his essence. That encounter was not just consultative; it was transformative. My flashlight illuminated what he had not yet seen.
In a recent leadership workshop, I proposed a radically simple exercise: in pairs, one person would share a personal or professional challenge, while the other’s only task was to listen — asking open-ended questions, without offering advice, comparisons, or diagnoses. Intentional silence was part of the process. At the end, one participant — an experienced manager known for her assertiveness — shared: “At first, it was uncomfortable. I wanted to solve it. But when I allowed myself to simply be present, I realized my colleague didn’t need my solutions — she needed my presence.”
That moment crystallized a deep truth: listening is not intervening — it is creating a space in which the other can hear themselves more clearly. Genuine listening — as proposed in Cognitive Behavioral Development (CBD) — does more than receive; it reveals. It allows the other to see themselves with new eyes. To internally reorganize. To find, amid the chaos, a thread of clarity.

The Systemic Impact of Empathy
“Beyond the mirror, there is encounter. Beyond ‘I understand you,’ there is ‘I’m here.’ And in that space, the dialogue that transforms is born.” – Marcello de Souza
If empathy transforms individuals, it also invites us to expand consciousness. The truth is that the flashlight of empathy transcends the individual and resonates — with growing intensity — through the family, organizational, and social systems we inhabit.
Social psychology, through landmark studies like those of Solomon Asch on social conformity, shows us that our behavior is deeply shaped by the contexts we’re immersed in. When we practice genuine empathetic listening, we open a safe space for the other to reveal their most authentic truths — and this space, in turn, can reconfigure dynamics of power, belonging, and trust.
In corporate settings, for example, a leader who truly listens does more than resolve conflict — they pave the way for a culture built on trust, innovation, and collective meaning.
I remember a singular experience: I was called upon to facilitate a cultural transformation in a technology company whose team was fragmented, marked by accumulated resentment and mistrust born of top-down, imposed decisions. Rather than immediately proposing a rigid action plan, I invested time in deeply listening to each team member, asking what made them feel invisible or undervalued. I soon realized that the core issue went beyond operations—it was an existential wound, a feeling of invisibility corroding the group’s cohesion.
By fostering dialogues where every voice could be heard without judgment, a co-construction of solutions emerged that far exceeded initial expectations. This process, which dialogues directly with Pierre Bourdieu’s concepts of social capital, exemplifies the power of empathy as a systemic transformational force.
From the perspective of social neuroscience, recent studies show that during active and curious listening, areas of the brain related to social cognition are activated. However, when we fixate on automatic responses, like the infamous “I understand,” those regions lose activation, while areas linked to judgment and comparison take over.
Therefore, neurologically, true listening demands the suspension of judgment and the cultivation of full presence. We must create inner space so that the other can exist in their uniqueness, without being shaped by our personal experience. Empathetic listening goes far beyond words—it demands a genuine connection, infused with emotional self-regulation and social intelligence.

An Invitation to Expanded Consciousness
Offering a flashlight to the other is, in essence, a profound philosophical exercise. Martin Buber teaches us that true human relationship is established in the “I-Thou”—an encounter where the other is recognized as a unique being, not merely an extension of our projections. This vision challenges us to abandon linear thinking, so entrenched in our daily interactions, and embrace a systemic perspective, where each dialogue becomes an opportunity for expanded consciousness.
In neuroscience, the concept of “theory of mind”—our ability to infer others’ mental states—is mediated by complex neural networks. Yet, as Suzana Herculano reminds us, these networks are fallible, shaped by cultural biases and personal experience. Recent studies in social neuroscience demonstrate that during active, curious listening, the brain activates regions linked to social cognition, such as the medial prefrontal cortex and the superior temporal gyrus. However, when we default to automatic responses like “I understand,” these areas lose activation, giving way to regions associated with judgment and comparison.
Thus, neurologically, true listening requires suspending judgment and being fully present. It means opening internal space for the other to exist in their singularity without needing to conform to our experience. Emotional intelligence clearly indicates that empathetic listening goes beyond words: it is sincere connection accompanied by emotional self-regulation.
Transcending these limitations requires epistemic humility—the courage to admit that we will never fully understand the other but can walk alongside them, illuminating what they have yet to see. This posture, rooted in the philosophy of alterity, invites us to see each interaction as a portal to self-knowledge. In hearing the other, we discover ourselves, for human encounter is an inverted mirror: it does not reflect who we are, but who we may become.
In my work in human development, I have witnessed brilliant leaders falter in their relationships simply because they did not know how to listen. The urgency to offer answers, the anxiety to validate the other, or the fear of emotional discomfort led them to rely on the classic phrase: “I understand you.” But as we know, the other does not need our understanding—they need to understand themselves with our support.
An executive, once caught in the rush to “understand” his team, learned during our CBD process to ask: “What do you see that I don’t?” This simple shift transformed his leadership, as he replaced the mirror with the flashlight.
In an executive coaching process, a manager in crisis confided: “Marcello, I feel invisible. People say they understand me, but no one is interested in what I’m discovering about myself.” This statement captures the heart of the matter: the flashlight is more powerful than the mirror.
This posture, grounded in the philosophy of alterity, invites us to see every interaction as an opportunity for self-discovery. In listening to the other, we also find ourselves, for the human encounter is an inverted mirror: it reflects not who we are, but who we may become.
Epictetus reminds us: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we may listen more and speak less.” But the silence I propose is not passive; it is fertile—a sacred emptiness where the other may bloom. True listening is a philosophical act of humility, a surrender of our urge to fix. As Levinas emphasizes, listening is acknowledging the other as mystery, not as a problem to be solved.
From the lens of Social Psychology, this process expands the field of intersubjective perception, making relationships more authentic and less utilitarian. In Behavioral Psychology, active listening reduces defensive behaviors and strengthens natural social reinforcers such as trust, belonging, and mutual appreciation.
In everyday life, this invitation can be simple: instead of replying automatically, try listening with genuine curiosity and let the dialogue become a space of discovery for both sides.

The Transformative Power of Authentic Relationships in Organizational Culture and Climate
If you’ve made it this far, it’s because you understand that truly authentic human relationships are the invisible foundation that sustains not only individual well-being but also cultural health and organizational climate. When we offer the flashlight of genuine listening—that presence which illuminates rather than reflects—we create a space where people feel seen in their wholeness, which reverberates beyond the individual and profoundly impacts the surrounding system.
In organizational dynamics, this radical presence has the power to dissolve invisible barriers that maintain silence, resistance, and conflict. Social psychology studies indicate that environments where active and empathetic listening is cultivated foster psychological safety—a crucial condition for innovation, engagement, and true collaboration. As Amy Edmondson’s research points out, psychological safety emerges precisely when individuals feel they can express doubts, fears, and ideas without fear of judgment or punishment.
More than a technique, this type of listening is an ethic of care and shared responsibility that encourages authentic expression and strengthens mutual trust. As Pierre Bourdieu teaches us, the social capital built through these trust-based relationships has transformative value, allowing teams to transcend conflict and build collective narratives of meaning and purpose.
In practice, leading with this flashlight means suspending automatic judgment, embracing the plurality of voices, and adopting a posture of constant learning, in the epistemic humility of knowing no one holds the absolute truth. Above all, it is an invitation to sincere dialogue, where answers emerge from the encounter rather than from ready-made formulas.
This posture has a deep impact on organizational climate, promoting healthier, more resilient, and more productive environments. The individual ceases to be a mere executor and becomes a protagonist in the culture they co-create. The result? Improved engagement, reduced turnover, increased creativity, and above all, the flourishing of human potential in all its complexity.
In summary, when we replace the mirror with the flashlight in listening, we don’t just illuminate the other’s path—we illuminate the entire human ecosystem they are part of. And this is the foundation for building truly human, conscious, and sustainable organizations.

The Silence That Transforms and the Presence That Illuminates
This text is an invitation to the radicality of listening—not the superficial kind that simply fills space, but the listening that requires courage, humility, and surrender. Inspired by Emmanuel Levinas, we understand that the other is an ethical mystery that calls us to infinite responsibility, a responsibility that goes far beyond cognitive comprehension; it is about embracing the other’s alterity in its fullness, without reducing their existence to our projection.
Social neuroscience confirms what philosophy has long intuited: deep listening activates neural networks associated with social cognition and emotional regulation, opening internal space for genuine connection. In contrast, automatic responses like “I understand” activate areas related to judgment and comparison, closing the door to true empathy.
At the heart of this practice lies the flashlight we carry—not a mirror that reflects our own experiences, but a light that reveals unknown territory in the other and, paradoxically, in ourselves. As Buber taught, the “I-Thou” relationship is the authentic encounter, where we recognize the other not as an object, but as a unique subject.
This radical presence is not just an individual act—it resonates within systems, transforming organizational cultures, strengthening family bonds, and expanding social consciousness. It is the foundation of conscious leadership and sustainable human development.
Therefore, what I leave you with is this challenge: before offering ready-made answers or comfortable reflections, ask yourself — am I holding a mirror that limits, or a lantern that illuminates? Choosing the lantern means opting for a kind of listening that transcends the obvious, embraces human complexity, and paves the way for true transformation.
To truly listen is a revolutionary act. In a time when everyone speaks — and few truly listen — sustaining the fertile silence of listening has become a rare and deeply transformative gesture. More than a technique, it is an ethic. A way of being in the world with delicacy and responsibility.
The kind of listening we propose here is neither passive nor superficial. It is a listening that questions with curiosity, welcomes with humility, and recognizes in the other not a mirror, but a universe. It is a presence that does not reduce, but expands. That does not explain, but illuminates.
Social neuroscience shows us that this type of active listening changes the brain, reduces reactivity, and promotes healthier, more empathetic connections. Philosophy teaches us that it is also an act of love — in the most ethical and mature sense of the word. Because to listen deeply is to affirm: “I am here, not to explain you, but to walk with you as you discover yourself.”
If we want more human relationships, more conscious organizations, and more resilient cultures, we will need fewer automatic answers and more genuine questions. We will need less haste and more presence. Less judgment — and more lantern.
May this text be more than just a reading, but an invitation. To revisit your dialogues. To realize how much more powerful listening is than appearing wise. To trade mirrors for light. So here is something for you to reflect on:
When was the last time you truly listened without trying to solve? What changed in the other — and in you — at that moment?
Remember: in the silence that welcomes, the transformation that frees is born.
May your listening be the light that guides — for the other and for yourself.
“In the silence of listening, the other doesn’t just speak — they reveal themselves. Be the lantern that guides, and you will discover that by illuminating someone else’s path, you also find your own.” – Marcello de Souza
At your next difficult conversation, take note of how many times you ALMOST interrupted with “I understand you.” Then reflect: what did that pause reveal about you?

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